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I forgot to shake the bottle

Mother: Why are you jumping up and down?

Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.

妈妈：你为什么不停地跳上跳下的？

汤姆：我刚吃完药，可我忘了先摇动瓶子了。

The shoplifter

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from a jewelry store.

一个小偷在一家珠宝店企图偷走一只手表的时候被当场擒获。

"Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either.

“听着，”小偷说，“我知道你们也不想惹麻烦。

What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"

我把这只表买下，然后我们就当什么也没发生，你看怎样?”

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.

经理表示同意，然后列了一张售货单。

The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend."

小偷看着单子说道：“这比我最初的预算稍稍高了一点，你们还有没有便宜一点儿东西。

Goodbye, money.

​In Florida‘s Disney World, my husband and I and our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home.

As we drove away, our son waved and said, "Goodbye, Mickey."

Our daughter waved and said, "Goodbye, Minnie."

My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Goodbye, Money."

弗罗里达州的迪斯尼乐园是一个迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及两个孩子前往旅游，我们全身心地沉醉在它的各种奇观之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之后，我们要回家了。

当我们驱车离开时，儿子挥手说：“再见，美奇。”

女儿挥着手说，“再见，美妮。”

丈夫也有气无力地挥了挥手，说道：“再见，美元。”

Who's More Polite?

A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite. The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man knew he was more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down.

一个胖子和一个瘦子在争论谁更有礼貌。瘦子说他更有礼貌，因为他经常对女士摘帽示意。但是胖子认为他更有风度，因为无论什么时候他在车上给别人让座时，总有两位女士能坐下。

He won

​

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.

Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?

Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？

约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。

汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？

约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。

Going slowly

Teacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?

Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost says, 'School -- Go Slow'.

老师：约翰尼，为什么你每天早晨都迟到?

约翰尼：每当我经过学校附近的拐角处，就见路牌上写着‘学校-缓行’。

A pity man

A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.

Bartender: "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"

The man: "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."

Bartender: "That should make you happy."

The man: "No, the month is up today!"

一个男人坐在酒吧里，伤心至极。

酒吧招待："你怎么了?跟老婆闹矛盾了?"

男人："我们吵了一架，她说一个月都不跟我说话。"

酒吧招待："那你应该高兴才是啊!"

男人："不，今天是这个月的最后一天。"

Doing something wrong

Daughter: Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?

Mom: Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.

Daughter: Mom, how come all of grandma’s hairs are white.

女儿：妈妈，你为什么有好几根白头发？

妈妈：每次你做错了事，惹我生气或是流泪，我就会有根头发变白。

女儿：妈妈，为什么外婆的头发都是白的

Christmas Eve Service

Just as I began my Christmas Eve service,the electricity in the church failed.

The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary.

Then I reentered the pulpit,shuffled my notes,and muttered,"Now,where was I?" A tired voice called out,"Right near the end!"

就在我开始平安夜祷告时，教堂停电了。教堂里的接待人员和我找到一些蜡烛，把它们放在礼堂周围。然后我重返讲道坛，整理了一下笔记后，我说：“刚才我讲到哪儿了?”传来一阵不耐烦的声音：“马上就讲完了!

Who do you think you are?

The bus was crowded,and as one more man tried to get on,the passengers wouldn’t let him aboard.

“It is too crowded,“they shouted.”who do you think you are?”

“I am the driver.”he said.

公共汽车上很挤，当又一个人还是试图上车时，乘客们不让他上。

“车上太挤了，” 他们喊道，“你以为你是谁?”

“我是司机!” 他说。

Season pass

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and vice versa. "

"Anybody

caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody

caught breaking this rule the 2nd time will be fined $60. Being caught a

3rd time will incur a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this moment, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Umm...How much for a season pass?"

"女生宿舍将全面禁止男生进入，男生宿舍也同样不得女生光临。"

"不论是谁，一旦违规，初犯将被罚款20美元。再犯要被罚款60美元。第3次被抓需要交180美元的罚款。还有什么疑问么？"

这时人群中一个男同学问道，"那么一个季度通行证需要多少钱？"

Forgiveness

On the way home one night, I spotted some fresh-cut roses outside a florist's shop. After selecting a dozen and entering the shop, I was greeted by a young saleswoman.

Are these for your wife, sir? she asked.

Yes, I said.

For her birthday? she asked.

No, I replied.

For your anniversary?

No, I said again.

As I pocketed my change and headed toward the door, the young woman called out, I hope she forgives you.

一天晚上回家的路上，我看到一家花店外面有一些刚剪下来的玫瑰。我挑了一打，走进店里，一个年轻的女售货员跟我打了个招呼。

先生，这些是送给你妻子的吗?她问道。

是的，我说。

她的生日?她问。

不是，我回答。

你们的结婚纪念日?

不是，我又答道。

当我将找回的钱装进口袋，朝门口走去时，那年轻的女人冲我喊道：希望她能原谅你。

Wipe Glass

Father entered the son's room,said:" well done,son! The window and clean and bright,you are using soap water wipe?"

Son: "no,dad,I am using a sledgehammer."

父亲走进儿子的房间，说道：干得好，儿子！窗户又干净又明亮，你是用肥皂水擦的吗？

儿子：没有，爸爸，我用的是锤子。

Haircut

Miles sometime went to the barber's during working hours to have his hair cut.

But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time.

While Miles was at the barber's one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him.

"Hello, Miles," the manager said. "I see that you are having your hair cut in office time."

"Yes, sir, I am," admitted Miles calmly. "You see, sir, it grows in office time."

"Not all of it," said the manager at once. "Some of it grows in your own time."

"Yes, sir, that's quite true." Answered Miles politely, "but I'm not having it all cut off."

麦尔斯有时在上班时间去理发馆理发，但这是违反办公室规定的：职员只能利用自己的时间理发。

一天，正当麦尔斯理发时，经理碰巧也进来理发，而且就坐在他旁边。“你好，麦尔斯，”经理说。“我看到你在上班时间理发了。”

“是的，先生。正是这样。”麦尔斯平静地承认了。可先生，你看，头发是在上班时间长的。“不全都是吧，”经理立刻说，“有一些是在你自己的时间里长的。”

“对呀，先生，你说得很对。”麦尔斯礼貌地回答说，“但我并没有把头发全都剪掉啊。”

Phonebook

Boy: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" girl: "It's in the phone book."

Boy: "But I don't know your name." girl: "That's in the phone book too."

男：我想给你打电话。你的电话号码是多少？女：在电话本上呢。

男：可是我不知道你的名字呀。女：也在电话本上呢。

Sissy

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,“Mommy，will you sleep with me tonight ?”

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can' t，dear.” She said.“I have to sleep in Daddy's room.”

Along silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice：“Sissy.”

一个夏季的晚上，雷雨大作，母亲让小男孩上床钻进被窝。她正准备熄灯

孩子声音颤抖地问：“妈咪，你今晚可以陪我睡吗?”母亲笑着，

拥抱一下小孩安慰说，“亲爱的，不可以。我得睡在爸爸的房间。”

一阵长长的沉默之后，男孩小声地用颤音说：“胆小鬼。”

Watch

Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch? "

Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.

警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？

男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙，那就更糟了。

Lobster

Customer:Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.

Waiter:I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.

Customer:Well, bring me the winner then.

服务员，这个龙虾只有一只爪。

对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。

哦，那给我那个打赢的吧。