雅思作文批改
今天我们来批改一篇雅思作文，手把手看看应该怎么把英文写好。
题目是：
Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational. Otherwise, they are a complete waste of time. Do you agree or disagree?
我们先看一位学员的文章：
第一段
A recent issue, whether children’sfree-time activities should be educational or not, raises many concerns. Some people insist that leisure activities without educational parts are totally meaningless, whereas I tend to disagreewith this view.
第一段一般是亮明自己的观点，作者不同意这样的观点。但是文法上有很多可以改进的地方。
1. raises many concerns之后，用分号更好。很多读者不熟悉英语中分号和冒号的区别。其实前后两个句子是有逻辑语气上的内在联系的，用分号更好。
2. activities without educational parts: 这个地方，parts用的不好，比较中式，用components更好；
3. view，替换成view of point 显得更书面。
Admittedly, educational activities might help children to gain more knowledge andgradually broaden their horizons. For one thing,there are some salutary activities that not only improving teenagers’ sense of happiness,but also contain useful knowledge .Forinstance,schools run campaigns to encourage students to visit the local museums. Through seeing various types of historical heritages,children would know more about history and are easily get curious to learn more about them. For another, children have easy access to acquire a wide range of knowledge, which plays an important role in fostering their positive learning habits in long-term. Therefore, it is possible to boost their potential of studying.
第二段在雅思作文里面就是主题段了，要具体阐述理由。我们来看哪些可以改进的文法：
1.help the children gain more knowledge: help 这边显得不正是，替换成assisst 更好
2. some salutary activities that not only improving teenagers’ sense of happiness： 这个地方有语法错误，大家看出来没有？ not only 后面不应该用improve的现在进行时，应该用一般现在时
3.contain useful knowledge ： 这个地方用contain比较生硬，有点从中文硬翻译的感觉。改成generate knowledge for them会好很多。
4. children would know more about history ： know more about, 太初级的用法了，改成would get a whole picture fo their own history.
5.are easily get curious :又一个文法错误
6. For another： 作者想用表达另一方面的意思，但其实很多表达有同样的意思，但显得更正式一些，比如at the other end of the spectrum.
第三段
However, if anything is related to education physically and mentally, children are likely to become exhausted. In such a young age,it is difficult for them to concentrate on studying all thetime,and suitable relaxation could help them to recharge their batteries. Forexample, they should be allowed to watch cartoons and play games after a longschool-day,as long-time suffering from constant learning pressure is unnecessary. In contrast, limiting their time to do whatever they want is the pivotal portal to improve their learning performance. Once they find the field that suits their strengths and interests, they would be highly motivated and thereby gain greater achievement in their school work. At that time, they will go as far as they talents would take them.
还是有不少可以提升的地方,
1. if anything is related to education physically and mentally： 这个短句显得非常奇怪，其实作者无非想说 However, when their time is filledpurely with learning
2. are likely to become exhausted： 这个地方become 很多余，直接说are likely to be exhausted.
3. could help them to recharge their batteries： 又是千篇一律的help,改掉它。 改成Would be beneficent in recharging thebatteries for them
4. limiting their time to do whatever they want:非常令人费解的表达，不知道作者想说什么？ 改成allocating reasonable entertainment time for them
5. they find the field that suits their strengths: field suits? 适合他们的领域？非常中式的生硬表达，改成 with which they are passionate,
最后一段：
In conclusion, although taking part ineducational activities might have some merits, I still believe that giving them more freedom to choose what they want to do is an essential way to promote children’s performances in their long-term studying.
giving them more freedom to choose what they want to do: 这句总结显得非常累赘，几乎不断在重复之前的句式，改成constructing a relevant flexible schedule for the children and instructing them balance thelearning and entertainment
最后大家发现没有，许多写作者的问题，都是在与表达是从中文硬生生翻译过去的，那么在英文中这些表达是非常生硬的， 让英语母语读者会觉得非常困惑。如何学习地道的表达呢？最好的办法就是精读好的英文文章。除此之外别无他法。
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