房间里的大象——《Option B》 3/12 笔记
阅读小结
在生活中，如果我们的朋友经历重大的变故，尤其是我们不曾经历的，我们往往会不知所措。既不敢贸然提起，怕勾起对方伤心的回忆；同时也害怕自己不小心说错话，让对方更加难受。于是就索性缄默不语，或者装什么都没有发生。
然而，受伤者的内心活动并非那么简单，他们的情绪很复杂，变化很大，主要有以下几个阶段：
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第一阶段：他们不希望自己的悲伤影响别人，更愿意自我消化。而社会主流价值观也倡导，人们面对逆境时应坚韧不拔、自强不息，所以大部分人不轻易露出脆弱的一面。伤心事宁愿烂在肚子里也不肯说出来。这里涉及一个心理术语“Mum Effect” ，即对负面事情避而不谈, 可理解为汉语的“报喜不报忧”。
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第二阶段：由于他们采取了自我消化、自我孤立的行为，继而引发了人际疏离。这时他们会感觉自己很无助，像一座被悲伤笼罩的孤岛。
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第三阶段：他们开始对悲伤不堪重负，渴望倾诉，渴望与周围的人互动。若此时未接收到关怀，他们则会认为他人冷漠无情，产生愤怒，进一步加剧悲伤和抑郁。
这种双方集体缄默的现象，在英语中表达为：房间里的大象
英英解释
含义：用来形容一个明明存在的问题，却被人刻意的回避及无视的情形。它的字面意思描述了，一个庞大的大象在狭小的房间里面，是非常明显的事实，因此，它也暗含了这个问题应该被拿来出来公开讨论的意思。这条谚语，常被用于描绘，上瘾者身边的朋友及家人，为了帮助他走出自我否定，而不愿意讨论他的问题的情形。
这是一种破坏双方人际交往关系的双输模式，既让受伤者感到无助和悲愤，又让关心者感到爱莫能助。要如何打破僵局呢？先从受伤者的角度说说吧。
- 首先，受伤者不应把朋友小心翼翼的关心当成礼节性的问候。反而应该认真对待，明白对方是希望你对他们敞开心扉。不要敷衍回答，要说出自己真实的感受。
- 其次，受伤者不要进行自我隔离，可以找有相同经历的互助小组，通过相互倾诉，你们的悲伤会有所缓解。
- 不要抱怨朋友无法理解你的悲伤，因为哪怕是最亲的人，只要没有类似的经历也是难以共情的。
- 不要害怕在对方面前展示自己的”脆弱“，示弱非但不会影响你在对方心中的形象，反而会增进你们之间的情感联系。
作为安慰者的角色，请务必不要采取沉默和回避的态度，要尽可能地去破冰。这可能需要比较多的时间和耐心。
很多时候，我们没有相同的经历，不知道该说些什么、做些什么，于是就干脆什么也不做。这是万万不可取的。因为，你的无为会被理解为冷漠，会对受伤者造成二次伤害。
或许，安慰者可以尝试诚恳地告诉对方：我没经历过这样的事情，我也不知道该怎么做，我甚至连要说什么样的话来安慰你都不懂。或许我帮不上什么忙，但只要你有需要，我一定出现。你要明白，这段艰难的旅程，你不是一个人在走，你有我们。如果安慰者仍然不敢开口，那么，或许可以写信或卡片，或者只需发个短信，告诉对方："I acknowledge your pain. I'm here with you."
最后，想引用《圣经》里的几句话：
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
......
生词短语
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blur [blɜr] n.模糊的记忆 something that you cannot remember clearly
原句:
Most of the trip was a blur, but on the last day, I sat down for breakfast with Jeff King, who had been diagnosed earlier with cancer.
造句：
1-The days of the accident were a blur.
2-The memory of her grandfather is a blur who died when she was five. -
speak up 大胆讲、毫无顾虑地说出 to express opinion freely and frankly
原句:
I was grateful that they all reacted with kindness, saying they appreciated my speaking up-- and they started asking more questions.
造句：
1-You need to speak up when you find someone is stealing money on the bus.
2- I am not used to speaking up when I’m upset. -
act up 捣蛋；胡闹；出毛病；行动起来
原句: As the elephant in the room went unacknowledged, it started acting up, trampling over my relationships.
造句：
1-The mother told the little boy to stop acting up and ate the cereal.
2-What you say means little unless you act up. (行动起来）
小作文
I used to be a wicked kid. From age 4 to 6, I was always acting up at home and around the neighborhood. Even in my mom's office, the maternity department in a hospital, I was also a trouble maker. Since my mom was a nurse, I could wander around the whole office whenever and wherever apart from the labouring operations room.
What I did most of that time was tucking milk bottles to the new-born babies‘ mouths when they cried. Sometimes I played tricks on them. While the newborns were sucking milk, I suddenly took off their bottles, then they would cried and I hang on there for few seconds， and then gave them back. I did this back and forth several times a day.
Now I become much more mature and quiet. I have grown up to be an introvert adult who doesn't like speaking up the likes and dislikes in life. I prefer to self absorbing all the negative emotions by myself. But It seems I got quite a load there since I have never kicked the elephant out of the room after college graduation.
