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[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Joey, Phoebeand Monica are there.] 

Monica: There's nothing to tell! It-it's, just some guy I work with!

Joey:Come on, you aregoing outwith the guy. There'sgottabe something wrong with him!

Chandler: All right, Joey, be nice. So does he have ahump?Ahump and ahairpiece?

Phoebe: Wait, does he eatchalk?

[Monica is ratherbemused.]

Phoebe: Just,'causeI don't want her togo throughwhat I went through with Carl. Oh.

Monica: Okay, everybody relax. Relax. This is not even a date. It's not. It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.

Chandler:Sounds like a date to me.

Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school. I'm standing in the middle of thecafeteria, and I realize I am totallynaked.

All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.

Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone…there.

Joey: Instead of…?

Chandler: That's right!

All: Never had that one. No.

Chandler: All of a sudden,the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do. Everybody starts looking at me.

Monica: They weren't looking at you before?

Chandler: Finally, IfigureI'd betteranswer it. And itturns outit's my mother, which is veryveryweird, because…she never calls me.

Ross: [depressed]Hi.

Joey: This guy says hello, Iwanna kill myself.

Monica: You okay,sweetie?

Ross: I justfeel likesomeone reached down mythroat,grabbed mysmall intestine, pulled it out of my  mouth and tied it around my neck.

Chandler: Cookie?

Monica: [explains to the others] Carol moved her stuff out today.

All: Ohh.

Monica: [to Ross] Let me get you some coffee.

Ross: Thanks.

[He goes to sit on the couch. Phoebe starts topluck atthe air in front of him.]

Phoebe: Ooh! Ah!

Ross: No.Oh, no. Don't! Stopcleansingmyaura. No. Justleave my aura alone, okay?

Phoebe: Fine. Bemurky!

Ross: I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.

Monica: No, you don't.

Ross: No, I don't.To hell withher, she left me!

Joey: You never knew she was alesbian?

Ross: No! Okay?! Why does everyone keepfixatingon that? She didn't know. How should I know?

Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. [They all stare at him.]Did I say thatout loud?

Ross: I told Mom and Dadlast night. They, they seemed to take it pretty well.

Monica: Oh, really? So thathystericalphone call I got from a womansobbingat 3A.M.,'I'll never have grandchildren. I'll never have grandchildren.' was what? A wrong number?

Ross: Sorry.

Joey: Alright, Ross. Look, you're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you  what the answer is?

[Rossgestureshisconsent.]

Joey:Strip joint! C'mon, you're single. Have somehormones!

Ross: See, but I don't want to be single, okay? I just, I just, I just wanna be married again.

[Rachel enters in a wetwedding dressand starts to search the room.]

Chandler:And I just want a million dollars! [extends his hand hopefully]

Monica: Rachel?

Rachel: Oh God, Monica, hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there.And then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here. And you are, you are!

Waitress: Can I get you some coffee?

Monica: [pointing at Rachel]Decaf. [to All]Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, anotherLincoln High survivor.

[to Rachel] This is everybody. This is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and, you remember my brother Ross?   

Rachel:Sure! Hi.

Ross: Hi.

[Rachel goes to shake hands with Ross. But Ross' umbrella opens. He sits back downdejectedly. There is a moment of silence.]

Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wetbridesmaids?

Rachel: Oh God. Well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in this room where we were keeping all the presents. And I was looking at this gravy boat. This reallygorgeousLimoges gravy boat.

When all of a sudden, I realized-[to the waitress that brought her coffee] Sweet'n Low? - I realized, I realizedthat I was moreturned onby this gravy boat than by Barry. And then I got reallyfreaked out. And that's when ithit me: How much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head.You know, I mean, I always knew he looked familiar, but…[hands the Sweet'n Low to Ross] Anyway, I just had to get out of there. And I started wondering'Why am I doing this?'and 'Who am I doing this for?'. [to Monica] So anyway,I just didn't know where to go. And I know that you and I havekindadrifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here inthe city.

Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding.

Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be anissue.