The Love Lab 爱的沟通

How we communicate with our romantic partners can have a strong impact on the quality of our relationships.

与爱人怎样交流能对我们的感情质量有强烈影响。

Psychologists John and Julie Gottman run the "Love Lab",where thousands of couples have been studied over the last 30 years.The purpose of their research is to determine the factors that lead to happy and unhappy relationships.From their data,they have concluded that contempt,criticism,defensiveness,and stonewalling are the most significant factors that can hurt a marriage or relationship.

心理学家John和Julie Gottman开展了“爱情实验室”，在过去的30年里，他们调查研究了成千上万对夫妻。研究目的在于找出导致幸福与不幸感情的关键因素。根据研究数据他们得出结论：轻视、批评、戒备心，敷衍，是伤害婚姻或感情的最重要因素。

Among these,contempt is the biggest predictor of divorce.People who feel contempt for their partner often convey disapproval without addressing the issue.They sometimes label their partner with insulting words such as "lazy""stupid"or"emotional",which is particularly damaging.

轻视是这些因素当中导致离婚的最大先兆。轻视对方的人经常对人不对事地否定。他们有时用侮辱性的词给对方贴标签，比如“懒鬼”、“蠢货”，“神经病”，这特别伤人。

Many couples try to address issues by criticizing their partner's flaws or mistakes directly.Being too direct with criticism can hurt your partner's self-esteem.Some people may react to criticism by becoming defensive and focused on winning the argument,rather than on improving themselves.Others may react to criticism by stonewalling,where they refuse to acknowledge and respond their partner for a period of time.

许多夫妻试图通过直接批评对方的缺点或错误来解决问题。太直接的批评会伤害对方的自尊。有些人被批评后会反驳，会专注于赢得争论，而不是提高自己。还有人会对批评置之不理，拒绝承认错误且不理对方一段时间。

Unfortunately,fighting back or ignoring your partner can make it difficult to determine the root of your problems.If your partner feels that they aren't valued,it may lead to increased dissatisfaction with the relationship.

不幸的是，反击或忽视对方很难确定产生问题的根源。如果对方觉得这些问题没被重视，可能会进一步加重互相的不满意。

The Gottmans maintain that being aware of these factors in communication is the first step to improving a relationship.It is important to acknowledge that all relationship have issues.The goal shouldn't be to avoid these issues,but to learn to resolve them.In particular,we should avoid communicating in ways that hurt our partner's self-esteem.It is better to discuss problems in a way that is less confrontational and can better help your partner sympathize with your perspective.

Gottman夫妇坚持认为，在沟通中意识到这些因素是改善关系的第一步。承认所有的关系都存在问题，这一点很重要。我们的目标不应该是逃避问题，而是学会解决问题。我们尤其要避免用伤人自尊的方式与对方沟通，最好以一种不那么对立的方式来讨论问题，能让对方产生同理心。

For example,rather than saying"why are you ignoring me?It's rude!",one could say"I feel hurt and undervalued when I don't get a response from you."By being conscious of how we communicate with our partner,we can begin to build a healthier relationship.

例如“你为什么不理我？岂有此理！”可以这样说：“你不回应我让我感觉受伤和被忽视。”通过意识到如何与伴侣沟通，我们能开始建立更健康的关系。