正面管教工具卡：拥抱
拥抱 –简.尼尔森 中英文对照
作者：简.尼尔森博士
转自：www.positivediscipline.com
正面管教工具卡：拥抱
这张工具卡告诉大家当孩子发脾气的时候可以给他们一个拥抱，但当我们真正理解拥抱的原则之后，就会发现孩子发脾气并不是我们唯一可以拥抱的时候。待会我会分享卡中例子的缘由，不过现在我想先分享玛丽·沃德路（Mary Wardlow）关于拥抱的一个故事：
拥抱的力量
我的女儿玛蒂森（Madisyn），是一个意志力非常强的6岁孩子，一天早上她不想起床去上学。作为意志力同样很强的我可以感受到战争正在酝酿之中——我下定决心要避免这场战斗。我反复耐心地叫她起床，让她做好准备。我甚至还为她选好了衣服，希望她可以快一点（一个错误，这将在后面解释）。不过，她拒绝起床。我语气和善的提醒她提醒她，如果再不起来就会错过校车了。
她坐起来，看着她的衣服，尖叫着，“我不想穿这件衣服！”她的语气是那么讨厌，我发现我都快不知道怎么组织语言了，但我还是去她的房间挑选了另外两套衣服让她可以选择。我说：“我放了三套衣服在这，你可以选择一套穿上。”当我快走出卧室时，她回击道：“我想要四套！”
我当时恼羞成怒，不过接下来发生的一切让我们俩都震惊了。我走过去对她说，“玛蒂森，我会把你抱起来，和你拥抱一会儿，我爱你……等我抱完你之后，我希望你自己选好衣服穿上。”
等我抱起她，用我的双臂环绕她时，我感觉她整个人都融化在我的怀抱里。她的态度立刻软化下来，我也是的。那一刻我是如此震惊，就那么几秒钟，因为我选择拥抱了当时并不怎么令人喜爱的孩子，形式就发生了巨大的变化。
你在演讲中谈到了用拥抱平息失控的孩子的作用。我的经验证明你是绝对正确的，谢谢你把拥抱的力量教导给别人！
后来玛丽发现如果她让女儿在前一天晚上挑选自己的衣服会减少第二天早上的慌乱。因为这样做她觉得自己对自己有掌控权，而不是总被告知该怎么做，总是被告知只会带来反叛。这个例子说明，即使拥抱可以用来联结关系并改变行为，但是一些不当行为，其实在初期就可以用将主动权交给孩子的方法来避免——例如挑选自己喜欢的衣服。
发脾气和拥抱
现在，要讲讲关于给发脾气的小孩一个拥抱的例子。我看过鲍勃·布拉德伯里博士制作的《理智马戏团》，他曾在西雅图制作这个节目多年。在《理智马戏团》里，布拉德伯里博士会在一大群观众面前采访家长或老师。在采访过程中，他会决定孩子的错误目的，然后提出给这些孩子鼓励和能量的建议。鲍勃分享了下面的故事（我现在按照我的记忆来复述那段视频的内容）。
一位父亲想知道该怎么应付自己总是发脾气的四岁儿子——史蒂芬。在和那位父亲交谈一会后，布拉德伯里博士认为那位儿子的错误目的是被误导的权力，布拉德伯里博士建议：“你为什么不向你的儿子提供一个拥抱呢？”
父亲对这个建议感到迷惑，他说：“这样做不会强化他的不当行为吗？”
布拉德伯里博士说，“我不这么认为，你是否愿意尝试一下，下周让我们知道发生了什么事吗？”
父亲犹豫地同意了，然而，接下来的一周，他说，果然，史蒂芬发脾气了。他蹲下来看着儿子说：“我需要一个拥抱。”
史蒂芬大声哭泣问：“什么？”
爸爸反复说：“我需要一个拥抱。”
史蒂芬还在抽泣，但难以置信地问：“现在？？？”
爸爸说：“是的，现在的”
史蒂芬停止了抽泣，不情愿地答应：“哦。”他生硬地给了他的父亲一个拥抱，几秒钟后，他融化在父亲的怀里。
之后，他们拥抱了几秒钟，爸爸说：“谢谢。我真的很需要这个拥抱。”
史蒂芬抽泣了一下，说：“我也是的。”
关于这个故事有几点我想说明一下。你也许会奇怪，为什么父亲说，“我需要一个拥抱”，而不是“你需要一个拥抱。”
1）由于这个例子中的错误目的是“被误导的权力。”如果他说他的儿子需要一个拥抱，他的儿子很有可能说：“不，我不需要。”这样只会加强权力斗争。如果说他的父亲需要一个拥抱，史蒂芬怎么可以拒绝呢？
2）儿童与生俱来就愿意做出贡献。贡献提供了归属感、重要感和能力。即使开始有点勉强，但史蒂芬真的想把拥抱“给”他的父亲。
3）儿童感觉越好就会有越好的行为。一旦史蒂芬通过给父亲一个拥抱而感觉更好后，他就不再发脾气，放弃权力斗争，并享有与父亲的拥抱。
4）行为不当的孩子是一个缺乏鼓励的孩子。在面对恼人的、具有挑战性的、或伤人的行为时，可能很难让我们记住这一点。由于这个原因，这个方法有助于我们对这个行为有计划，这是一种模式。
5）正面管教的主要理念是先联结再修正。拥抱是一种建立联结的好方法，但不是唯一的方法。我会提到其他的几种可能性：
1）简单验证孩子的感受。 “你现在感觉很心烦。”然后退一步，在你孩子自己经历这一切时给予大力支持。
2）指出发生了什么事情，然后提供一种替代。例如： “在我看来，我们正处在一场权力斗争。我爱你，我认为我们可以在大家冷静之后找到一个双赢的解决方案。”或者，“我知道你现在很想得到我的关注。我爱你，我现在没有时间，但我很期待我们7:30的特殊时间。”（当然，这需要事先规划，以确保你已经和孩子设定了特殊时间）。
3）出其不意。不直接回应孩子挑战性的行为，而是问孩子：“你知道我是真的爱你吗？”这有时会停止孩子的不当行为，因为他们对你的问题/陈述表示惊讶，并可能从中感到归属感和价值感，然后因为“感觉更好，而做的更好。”
还有许多其他方法和孩子们建立联结，并帮助孩子觉得更好，所以他们会做的更好。然而，最主要的是我们要知道正面管教工具卡不是一个技术，而是一个准则。技术是很窄的，而且经常不起作用。准则更广、更深，而且有许多方法可以适用原则。用你的心与智慧就会知道如何用这些准则来进行先联结再修正、专注于解决方案、赋予孩子能量——拥抱——这甚至例子更好。
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TIPS:
正面管教工具卡内含52张卡片，每张卡片介绍一个正面管教工具。当遇到孩子的挑战不知所措时，拿出工具卡翻一翻，也许能找到灵感：）
作者：简.尼尔森博士（正面管教创始人）
转自：www.positivediscipline.com
By Dr. Jane Nelsen
From www.positivediscipline.com
This tool card provides an example of asking for a hug when a child is having a temper tantrum, but that is certainly not the only time a hug can be an appropriate intervention when you understand the principle of hugs. Later, I’ll share where the example on the card came from; but first I want to share another example illustrated in a story shared by Mary Wardlow:
The Power of a Hug
My daughter Madisyn, who is a wonderfully strong-willed six-year-old child, didn't want to get up and get ready for school one morning. Being a strong-willed individual myself, I could sense a battle of wills brewing—though I was determined to avoid it. I repeatedly asked her nicely to get up and get herself ready. I even picked out her clothes so she could move a little faster [a mistake that will be explained later]. Still, she refused to move. I reminded her, still nicely, that the bus would be at our house soon, and if she didn't get dressed she was going to miss it.
She sat up, looked at her clothes, and screamed, "I don't want to wear that!" Her tone was so nasty that I found it hard to keep myself composed, but I went to her room and picked out two other outfits so she could choose which one she wanted to wear. I announced to her, "I laid out three sets of clothes. You need to pick one and get dressed." I had almost made it to the bedroom exit when she fired back "I WANT FOUR!"
I was so angry at that point; and what came next surprised both of us. I walked over to her and said, "Madisyn, I am going to pick you up, hold you, hug you and love you...and when I am done you are going to get up, choose an outfit and get dressed."
When I picked her up and put my arms around her I felt her just melt in my arms. Her attitude softened immediately and so did mine. That moment was amazing to me. A volatile situation turned warm in a few seconds—just because I chose to hug a child who was at that moment so un-huggable.
In your lecture you talked about the power of a hug to calm down an out-of-control child. I've learned first-hand that you were absolutely right. Thank you for teaching others about the power of a hug!
Later Mary learned that the morning hassles could be reduced if her daughter picked out her own clothes the night before as part of her bedtime routine. This would help her feel capable instead of being told what to do, which invited rebellion. This example illustrates that even though hugs work to create a connection and change behavior, some misbehavior can be avoided by getting children involved in ways that helps them use their power in useful ways—for example picking out their own clothes.
Tantrums and Hugs
Now for the story that led to the example of asking for a hug when a child is having a temper tantrum. I watched a video of Dr. Bob Bradbury, who facilitated the “Sanity Circus” in Seattle, WA for many years. During Sanity Circus, Dr. Bradbury would interview a parent or teacher in front of a large audience. During the interview he would determine the mistaken goal of the child and would then suggest an intervention that might help the discouraged child feel encouraged and empowered. Bob shared the following example (which I am now telling in my words from my memory of what I saw on the video).
A father wondered what to do about his four-year-old, Steven, who often engaged in tempter tantrums. After talking with the father for a while, and determining that the mistaken goal was misguided power, Dr. Bradbury suggested, “Why don’t you ask your son for a hug.”
The father was bewildered by this suggestion. He replied, “Wouldn’t that be reinforcing the misbehavior?”
Dr. Bradbury said, “I don’t think so. Are you willing to try it and next week let us know what happens?”
The father agreed with misgivings. However, the next week he reported that, sure enough, Steven had a temper tantrum. Dad got down to his son’s eye level and said, “I need a hug.”
Between loud sobs, Steven asked, “What?”
Dad repeated, “I need a hug.”
Steven was still sobbing but managed to ask incredulously, “Now????”
Dad said, “Yes, now”
Steven stopped sobbing and said, reluctantly, “Oh all right,” as he stiffly gave his father a hug. In a few seconds he just melted into his fathers arms.
After they hugged for a few more seconds, Dad said, “Thanks. I really needed that.”
Steven sniffled a bit and said, “So did I.”
There are a few points I want to make about this story. You may wonder why the father said, “I need a hug,” instead of, “You need a hug.”
1) Since the mistaken goal in this case was “misguided power.” To suggest that his son needed a hug would like invite him to say, “No I don’t,” and only intensify the power struggle. How could Steven argue with the fact that his father needed a hug?
2) Children have an innate desire to contribute. Contribution provides feelings of belonging, significance, and capability. Steven really wanted to “give” to his father, even though begrudgingly at first.
3) Children do better when they feel better. Once Steven felt better by giving his father a hug, he let go of his tantrum and the power struggle and enjoyed the hug with his father.
4) A misbehaving child is a discouraged child. It can be difficult to remember this when faced with annoying, challenging, or hurtful behavior. For this reason it helps to have a plan for behavior that is a pattern.
5) A primary philosophy of Positive Discipline is Connection before Correction. A hug is a great way to make a connection, but not the only way. I will mention a few more of the many possibilities:
1) Simply validate your child’s feelings. “You are feeling really upset right now.” Then step back and give energetic support while your child works through it.
2) Name what is happening and then offer an alternative. For example:
“It seems to me that we are in a power struggle right now. I love you and know we can work on a win/win solution if we wait until we calm down.” Or,
“I can see you really want my attention right now. I love you and I don’t have time right now but I’m looking forward to our special time at 7:30.” (Of course, this requires advance planning to make sure you have set up scheduled, special time with your children.
3) Do the unexpected. Instead of reacting to the challenging behavior, ask your child. “Do you know I really love you?” This sometimes stops the misbehavior because your child is so surprised by your question/statement, and may feel enough belonging and significance from that simple statement to “feel better and do better.”
There are many other possibilities to make a connection and to help children feel better so they’ll do better. However, the main point is to see all of the Positive Discipline Tool cards NOT as techniques, but as principles. Techniques are very narrow and often don’t work. A principle is wider and deeper—and there are many ways to apply a principle. Go into your heart and your wisdom and you’ll know how to apply the principles of connection before correction, focusing on solutions, empowering children—and hugs—that are even better than the examples.
正面管教工具卡：拥抱
