Be Honest

上篇文章说到，如果我面对稍晚回复的消息有进步了，我就会记录下来——

And I am proud to say I did it :)我们找到了一个折中的方法，一个方面，他会比以前更努力地尽早回复我消息；另一个方面，我减少发送消息的频率，给他留更多的个人空间。It seems like replying messages is no longer too big an issue for us.

However, it turns out that behind the message-replying dilemma the path to the future is more troublesome. When I didn’t feel to be taken care enough and protected enough in this relationship, I recently tried to be honest to my own feelings and communicated my feelings with my partner but got the criticism of “bad choice of wording” and “you hurt me by saying this”. He told me that “you don't always get what you want, you get what you get.”

At some point, I realized that this relationship was not one felt comfortable with. Or, indeed, I have had this feeling from the very beginning, but I ascribed it to we weren’t close enough. I believe that it takes time to磨合，sinceI don’t think there is one “perfect person”, and I know all the beautiful love stories coming from efforts paid by both parties. On the other hand, however, 每个人对爱情的理解和希望从爱情中得到的东西都不一样，JC说“愿得一人心”是一回事，“get people to treat you the way you want”又是另外一回事。But you can’t be comfortable in a close relationship (which I think is the basic feeling in one healthy relationship) if you don’t get the things that are important to you, and you don’t see the path of how to approach it.

The things I value most about myself – the ability to feel and express feelings exactly, the ability of understanding (others’ happiness and pain), heuristic thoughts and free mind, close to nature and the land – all the above, adding up to my ability of love. I am afraid of loneliness and I seek love. I seek deep connections with people. But at the same time, I try to be more independent to make sure that I can make all the choices at my own will and be able to accept all the outcomes go with them. And I hope these things are valued in my close relationship, and I hope my friends would find interesting to talk to me.

I believe this person cares about me – that’s why I am ok with not getting messages replied immediately, but truly, I don’t know how to approach the next step. I know I can make the other person feel happy – at the cost of I will feel an obvious uncomfort. But if I do it again without thinking, that’s bad because it is not honest, to my feelings or to him. According to my friend D, it is “你一步步在推进关系，也在一步步计划离开”。这样会让别人不知如何信任。Thus, I decide to stay where I am for a while, talk again with my partner, observe and feel him, but also trust my own feelings.

我想让我的生活有更多我想要的色彩~轻快明亮些，惊喜些。What indeed matters, in the end, is how I feel, not what I have done,更不是 how others look at me, which I am glad that I do not care at all.从去年年底开始的一系列对我想法和思考的记录是其中的一步，我将它们分享给我信任的朋友和家人，分享生命/共同成长；我想去尝试一些新的东西，建立新的突触——现在正在进行的是学习意大利语，去攀岩；巩固原有的东西——回国之后想练习大提琴到一个可以让我自己接受的程度，踢球和打羽毛球，以及，陪伴家人，他们是对我来说最重要的人。

刚刚发生了一件有趣的小插曲，我在写着这篇东西的时候，看见了一年未见的学长——18年的前大半年，我和他一直在图书馆的同一块位置自习，周中周末都能在图书馆看到他。后来他毕业去了princeton做了一年RA，现在被录回杜克，这两天回来收拾东西。他告诉我他是专门上来的，就是想看看一年过后周六的早上，我是不是还在原来的那个位置——surprisingly or unsurprisingly, I am still here :) 一年很快过去呐。我并不知道他回来，但是我很开心我还在这里，在同样的位置，见到同样的人。

我依然，非常期待未来 :)