I miss you so much

it has been several days since you died of the accident. I couldn't sleep all the night till now. I can not let myself alone. cauz, every time when I was alone, days of our past lives occurring into my mind. your shinning and loyal eyes staring at me, the feeling of your chubby body still fresh to me. but I know that I can not find you back any more.

whenever this thought came into my mind, my tears couldn't be held back. I kept blaming myself. why I took your outside without protection to you? why I can not just hold you tight and make you safe? why I can not run out to get you away of the coming motorbike?

I still remembered the first time I saw you. you were so tiny and furry, very cute. you were tenderly biting my foot. you were like of a bulk of coal as your curly hair covered all of yourself. I hugged you in my arms and you were softly licking my finger.

when i sent you to my hometown and let you be with my parents. I knew everyday you were waiting for me to come back home. you were so smart and so adorable and also you have companied them for me.

every time when I were leaving home to chengdu to work, you just sitting there, looking at me silently and seems that you know all the things. you know when I can take you out to play. I remembered all the days we were running at 6am and watching the sunrise. when we were out, you always kept a very high alert. why this time, you were so careless that you just rushed to the dogs at the other side of the road.  I should not blame you because you were already smart enough. you are just a dog. I am the human, I should know the risk and danger when I took you out.

I can do nothing to change our ending. I have to accept the truth that you left me forever and I can not see you again. how much I hope that I can see you again and hold you in my arms and never let you run away.

I know something can not be retrievable, like you. you sacrificed your life to save me. I remembered earlier this year, I was thinking of committing suicide. because I can not figure out my world.

it has been too long for me to burry myself into this huge sadness and I have to burry my deepest remorse in the bottom of my heart and move on. I am really really sorry that I am not betraying you to move on. you will be safe in my heart forever.  my dear dog, BAOZI, miss you so much

Emily