181206 写作直播反馈的复盘
受Justin的启发，这次我试试通过对比自己的写作和他的邮件范文，找一找未来提高的方向。为了早日写出又快又好的邮件而努力。
一. 对比分析
I. 标题
Subject: Group visit request
Subject: WHO headquarters visit request from Peking University School of Public Health
对比：写清楚谁要参观要参观哪里，会让人仅读了邮件标题就一目了然。并且北大的知名度也可增加促成此事的成功率。
II. 称呼
Dear Sir/Madam,
Dear Sir or Madam,
注：未知对方称呼时，还可以用 To Whom It May Concern:
III. 开头段
I'm Li Ming, a graduate student at Peking University School of Public Health. I'm writing to apply for a group visit of 15 people to WHO headquarters.
I am a graduate student from Peking University School of Public Health, and I am writing to request a visit to WHO on behalf of my school.
对比：
1. 两句都是 I am 开头时，注意是用连接词and。
2. 注意区分 apply 和 request 的区别，request 用在这里最恰当，apply 用于申请学校。
3. on behalf of my school 的表达更地道，不但说明了团体参观，也讲清楚了由我作为学院代表来联系此事。
4. 由于邮件末尾有署名，可以不用一上来说自己叫什么。
IV. 主体部分第1段
Every November, my School of Public Health has an employment promotion event. After that students visit some well-known companies and organizations, and some of the students join them after graduation. This year 15 students would like to visit WHO headquarters, where they have an overwhelming thirst for working, because WHO plays an irreplaceable role in preventing diseases and improving public health. And many Peking University alumni have joined WHO and contributed to healthier China and the world.
Every mid-November we organize an employment promotion event in my school. Shortly after the event, students go to visit prominent companies and organizations.
WHO is a dream institution for many. It plays an irreplaceable role inpreventing diseases and improving health. Many Peking University alumni have joined WHO to help build a better and healthier China and contribute to a wider world.
对比：
1. 邮件主体部分可以适当分段，太长不易于阅读。
2. 我丢掉了“中旬”这个重要信息。
3. 由于上一段已说明了学院的全程，这里可以省略，仅用 school 来代替即可。
4. dream 用在这里简洁明了地表达了学生们渴望进入WHO就职。
5. 注意代词的使用，不需要每次都重复WHO。
6. 最后一句用不定式表目的优于直接用连接词 and。
V. 主体部分第2段及结尾
So I would like to confirm whether it's acceptable to receive 15 visitors. If possible, please give me a suitable visiting time. Looking forward to hearing from you. Thank you in advance!
In an effort to follow their footsteps, a group of 15 students would like to visit your headquarters. I was wondering whether we could take a guided tour. If yes, what time would be good? The visiting time is highly flexible for us.
A visit means a lot to us. Thank you, and I'm looking forward to hearing from you.
对比：
这一段的写作目的是重申需求，落实人数和参观时间，并表达感谢。虽然我也注意了段落和句子间的连接，但语言上缺少亮点也没有诉诸感情。相比so, if possible, please give me 等表达，Justin用到的 In an effort to follow their footsteps, I was wondering whether we could ... , what time would be good（什么时间合适）, highly flexible for us（我们什么时间都行）和 A visit means a lot to us. 让人读起来特别舒服、眼睛一亮。既表达了想参观WHO的迫切愿望，又增加了成功率。
VI. 署名
Yours,
Li Ming
Best regards,
Li Ming
注：还可以用 Gratefully, Respectfully, Sincerely, Best wishes 和 Best
三. 讲解要点
1. 写作是由一连串的微决策组合而成
2. 写作前需要明确：收件人、写作目的、必写细节（who, why, what）
3. 再次强调：清晰、高效和换位的书面沟通（Effective email writing = formulaic patterns + clear thinking + empathy）
4. 注意写作的连贯性：多读好的文字，用心感知
5. 100%读懂题目+100%照顾到题目
6. 文章开头hook，结尾impression
7. 邮件结尾处需要致谢
8. 落款不要丢（如果短期内往复好几封邮件，也可省落款，直接署名）
四. 写作细节
1. 区分 school, college, university
2. 注意 application（申请学校）和 request 的区别
3. 区分 feedback 和 response/reply
4. 注意 P.S. ... 的用法
5. 人名的正确写法：Qingwei Meng, Meng Qingwei, Q.M.
五. 学习表达
guiding principles / guidelines
revisit, review
technical aspect of email writing
micro decisions 微决策
broad strokes 主干、粗线条
paragraphing 分段
on behalf of 代表
bond
tradition, continuation
inbox 收件箱
out of the context
linear/sequential
as-a-matter-of-fact
liberal arts colleges（注意区分school）
go to college 读大学
alumni（alumnus 男校友；alumna 女校友）
aspire to 渴望
guided tour
accommodate sb's needs
Please let me know how I can best accommodate your needs.
make arrangements for sb
itinerary 行程
In an effort to do X, Y...
I was wondering whether I/we/you could...
I was wondering whether it would be convenient/acceptable/feasible to...
My schedule is highly/fairly flexible.
X means a lot/a great deal to us.
If this is not the correct email, could you please kindly inform me of the right one? Thank you in advance.
