Reflections on the Gates Divorce

This week the news of Bill and Melinda Gates getting a divorce after 27 years of marriage shocked the world. By all accounts, they seem like the perfect couple: he is smart and rich; she is smart and beautiful. And together they have accomplished amazing things: three beautiful children and a multi-billion dollar foundation that revolutionized the world of philanthropy. How could the two people who have everything and have given so much to others no longer believe they “can grow together as a couple” in the next phase of their lives?

Speculations abound. Some suspect Bill Gates has unfinished business with his ex-girlfriend Ann Winblad – after all, the arrangement that Bill would spend a long weekend every year at a cozy beach cottage in North Carolina with her after his marriage seems highly unusual and Bill did not shy away from expressing his admiration for Ann: “She brings a sense of enjoyment and humor to even the most serious situations. Her professional approach reminds me a lot of Warren Buffett. She is incredibly smart,” he remarked during an interview. Others see this as evidence that money cannot buy happiness. Jeff Bezos and his wife called quits a couple of years ago. Who will be the next billionaire couple to part ways?

While the exact reason why Bill and Melinda are separating will probably remain unknown for a long time and may never be known, their divorce actually fits a new trend called “gray divorce” – the divorce rate for Americans 50 and over has doubled since the 1990s, particularly for women: for women aged 55-64, the divorce rate nearly tripled from 4 to 11 per 1,000 and for women aged 65 or older, it has increased six fold from 1 to 6 per 1,000.

The reason for the “gray divorce” varies by gender. Men tend to fall into the “mid-life crisis” stereotype – they fall in love with younger women to boost their sense of vitality whereas women who initiate these divorces tend to have done more soul searching. They have come to realize that they do not want to compromise in a stale relationship. As they grow older and wiser, women become less insecure, less dependent on men, and less constrained by the expectation society has imposed on them – they have done their duties, given birth, brought up children, put up with a less-than-ideal husband, it is time they care for themselves and seek true happiness and freedom.

While I am no fan of Jeff Bezos for cheating in his marriage and his taste of women is highly questionable– of all the women in the world, he chose the bimbo Lauren Sanchez -- I do not fault him for wanting a change. We human beings are not static animals. Life is a journey and we change along the journey. It’s a miracle that two people, while going on their separate journeys, can share so much in common that they are committed to a marriage that requires them to “love each other, comfort each other, honor and keep each other, in sickness and health, and forsaking all others”, but to expect that love to last “as long as you both shall live” is such a tall order – how can you ensure the two of you are always in sync throughout the various stages of life, how can you expect the two people, each changing constantly, to change in the same direction and at the same pace? And if you do go out of sync, is it better to stick with it or to move on?

For centuries, the right answer seems to be “stick with it” – the picture of an elderly couple walking in the park holding hands is touted as the epitome of love. Yes, there is absolutely beauty in that picture, that nothing can be more beautiful and profound than feeling deeply connected to another person your entire life, but I would argue there is also beauty in being courageous enough to acknowledge there are things missing from the marriage, that you want more than convenience or expediency, that you are no longer willing to compromise, that in order to seek real fulfillment and grow the next chapter of your life, you are bold enough to go through the pain of breakup, walk into the unknown to open up the possibilities.

Indeed, the institution of marriage is built on our evolutionary needs to provide a nurturing environment for our offspring. For many species, giving birth also marks the end of life for parents, but human babies are so fragile that we need the loving care of both fathers and mothers to bring up healthy, happy human beings. There is overwhelming evidence from the study of psychology and sociology that broken families produce dysfunctional people who suffer psychological pain, some of which may even lead to criminal behavior. But for the first time in human history, we are living well beyond our child bearing years into the eighties, nineties, and even the hundreds. Fifty is the new thirty. Our children are grown, but we still have a full life ahead of us. Why should we be bound by an institution that no longer serves its purpose? Is it better to stay in a loveless marriage and wither with it or is it better to speak the truth and confront the fear that is holding us back?

I, for one, wish my parents had the courage to break free. Growing up, I witnessed their frequent fights, wondered why these two people, who obviously hated each other, ended up sticking with each other. “It’s for you,” they told me. I never had the guts to tell them I wish they had split a long time ago. Seeing the parents living a happy life themselves probably will have a much more positive impact on the kid’s psyche than watching them suffer miserably in a dysfunctional relationship and worst of all, feeling guilty and responsible as you are the reason for their suffering. As they grow older, my parents seem to have mellowed. I even catch glimpses of loving and tender moments between them. But I continue to wonder if they ever feel regret, ever think about what if… I even wonder if they ever resented me, for being the obstacle to their freedom.

So I have mixed feelings about the Gates divorce. On the one hand, it may have shattered our illusion of a fairy tale marriage, but on the other hand, I applaud them for being honest with themselves and for the mature, drama-free way they seem to be handling it. Divorce is undoubtedly a difficult matter, but it does not have to be morbid either.  MacKenzie Scott, Jeff Bezos’ ex wife, seems to show there is life after divorce for women. To everyone’s surprise, she is the one who remarried first even though the divorce was not her choosing. It is refreshing to see a woman refusing to be victimized, quickly unburdened herself and moved on. She seems like a truly enlightened being, using her wealth not only for her own happiness but to benefit others in need as well – she gave away $5.8 billion last year, one of the largest annual distributions by a private individual to working charities.

Indeed, women, not just billionaire women, are becoming increasingly independent of men, empowered, and emboldened. I recently read “Untamed”, an autobiography of Glennon Doyle, who after years of struggle to save her marriage, finally left her husband and fell in love with a woman soccer player. My initial reaction was bewilderment and contempt – being gay is supposed to be something you are born with, not something you grow into, how could she expect turning into gay is the answer to her happiness all of a sudden? But come to think of it, as we grow older, companionship becomes more important than sexual attraction even for heterosexual couples. And in that sense, women could be much better companions for women than men (Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Communication is always a problem). As the famous quote from “When Harry Met Sally” goes: “Men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.” When sex is no longer the dominant factor, do we still need marriage?

Marriage may not last, but for however long it does last it is still sacred. That Bill and Melinda Gates, two strangers who met by chance and have since shared 27 years of their lives together is a precious gift to be celebrated and treasured. But they are ready for the next chapter of their lives. More than ever, couples who have spent half of their lives together, want more out of the later phases of their lives than a shell relationship and they have more options available to them than previous generations at midlife. Sometimes acknowledging the current relationship is not working may lead to more concerted effort to rekindle old love and romance. Sometimes we just need a change of scenery to remind us of home, sweet home. Other times closing one door opens a brand new door, a new adventure. As John C. Maxwell says, “Change is inevitable. Growth is optional.”