做了父母之后最大的改变之一是，在任何孩子在场的语言环境里，我都开始尽可能地注意自己的遣词造句，每一句话在说之前都被大脑先过滤一遍。并不是因为自己会说出什么不恰当的话来，只是单纯地想在孩子们最初学说话的阶段给他们最优质的表达版本。

即便Alex还尚未真正开始说话，但我知道他的语言系统早已悄无声息地在体内建立起来。请相信，你对宝宝们说的，你在他们身边说的，每一个字，他们都听进去了，并且听得明白。

在硅谷，如果你碰到一个女宝宝，最好别夸她：“你长得好漂亮呀！”因为对方父母很可能并不领情：“额……我不太希望我的女儿对自己优点的关注放太多在容貌这件事上。”

如果你碰到一个男宝宝，也最好别自以为是地夸奖他：“你是个坚强的男子汉！”因为对方父母很可能会这样回答：“额……我并不希望给我的孩子灌输性别差异这种概念，坚强并不是男生专有的标签。”……

好吧，如果你是按照中国传统理念上的儿童对话模式跟这里的孩子们对话，基本会很难愉快地进行下去。

你说这些父母矫情也好、咬文嚼字也好，但不得不否认，人类文明发展至今，与儿童对话的确已不再向以前那样只是“简单粗暴”地给他们贴标签或教他们给别人、给这个世界贴标签了。有了孩子后，我们需要重新学习说话这件事。

也许你会抱怨，这样也太难了吧——每句话都要思前想后，都不知该说不该说了。的确是不容易，但绝对很值得。因为不仅可以让孩子受益，自己也得到了修炼。

我所在的【圣马特奥妈妈俱乐部】（San Mateo Mothers Club）最新一期的会员期刊首页发表了一篇关于《如何与孩子谈论残疾人群》(How to talk to your kids about disabilities) 的文章。读完之后，深受启发。于是决定把它翻译成中文与更多的人分享，即使你和孩子在日常没有太多对话是关于残疾人群，这篇文章里所传授的对话思路和方法也可以借鉴到其他事物上。也许可以帮助你从今天做起，试着改变与孩子的沟通方式。

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如何与孩子谈论残疾人群

图片来自网络

作者：Monica Vernier

孩子们天生善于观察。他们能迅速读懂人类的情绪变化，他们像飞蛾之于光源那样对理解人的细微情感有着天然的喜好。无论多大或多小的区别他们都能察觉出，并时常提出我们回答不了的问题。他们也许会突然开启一个对话，而这个对话也常让你难以应付。

其中一种对话也许就是关于为什么有些人和他们不一样。这一类对话可能开展起来比较困难。如何向你的孩子解释有些人与他们不一样呢？这类谈话的最佳时机是什么时候？

答案是当他们问你的第一时间。给他们一个简短的、实事求是的描述，让他们意识到无论这个人是否有先天残疾，首先他仍然是一个人。

你可以先检测一下自己平时回应孩子们的细节，孩子们对肢体语言和语气都非常敏感。

当你的孩子看见一个坐在轮椅里的人，你可以对他说：“你的腿帮助你到处移动，而轮椅帮助那个人到处移动。”向孩子强调他与对方的共同点，而非区别点。

即使这种残疾是孩子们不曾经历过的心智层面上的残疾，孩子们仍然能区分得出来。就像谈论身体残疾一样，你也可以尽量引导孩子关注共同点。比如，如果一个孩子用叫喊的方式来与人沟通，那么有可能他有语言障碍，所以这是他的一种表达情绪的方法。

情景模拟：Max在谈论他的朋友Amy时，他提到Amy 很少说话但经常尖叫。这是孩子天然的洞察，更是一个开启这类对话的好时机。你可以问Max，对他来说什么事比较容易，什么事比较难？然后再问Max，对Amy来说什么事比较容易，然后解释道对Amy来用语言表达自己的情感是比较难的。

不要只把着重点放在他人的弱点上，你可以向Max展示我们每个人都有优势和挑战，这样就能帮助Max找到与Amy的共同之处。

这种对话模式具有互惠性，可以帮助建立人与人之间的关系，而非给人划分界限。学习这一点对孩子们来说很重要：仅仅因为某些人无法做某一件事或在某个领域里有困难，并不代表他们在其他事和其他领域里不擅长。

还有一点要时刻牢记于心：当进行这类对话时一定要使用以人为本的措辞。这可以创造出一种帮助性的语言氛围：一个人不是轮椅的一部分，他只是坐在轮椅上。一个听不见的女孩不是聋子，她只是一个耳朵听不见的女孩。一个看不见的男孩不是瞎子，他只是一个眼睛看不见的男孩。

这种措辞的使用的确比较复杂，但它可以确保人们在看待他人时首先看到的是这个人，而非缺陷本身。尽量描述别人拥有的东西，而非他们没有的。

最后一点，我们在与残疾人群对话时的行动也很重要。残疾人仍然是人，他们和你我一样有优点与缺点，每个人都不同，且有不同的需要，对他们自身的情况感知也有所不同。有些人乐意与人讨论他们的残疾，以帮助教育他人，而有些人则视为隐私不愿提及。我的建议是当你与残疾人群开启对话时找一个自然的切入点，并询问有什么事是你可以为他们做的。用你希望别人对待你的方式来对待他们，千万别假设性地认为他们一定需要或想要你的帮助。

有一句名言说得很棒，这也是我们与孩子们谈论残疾人群时要牢记的重要一点：“每个孩子都是一朵不一样的小花儿，加在一起就组成了这个世界的美丽花园。”

【关于作者】

Monica Vernier是一名残疾人/精神病患者的住房领域资源专家。她毕业于美国俄亥俄州的迈阿密大学，专攻社区扩展。她致力于建立包容型社区，使得每一位社区成员可在最简易方便的情况下充分享用社区资源。她同时大力推广待遇和机会平等理念，并努力通过教育消除歧视。她和她两岁的女儿Thea住在美国密歇根州。

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原文

Children are natural observers. They pick up on human emotions, they are attracted to understanding people like moths are attracted to light. They notice both small and major differences and ask questions we can’t always answer.They invite you to conversations you may not know how to have.

One of thoseconversations may beasking why someone is different from them.That conversation can be intimidating and difficult. How do youexplain to a child that someone is different from them? When is the appropriate time for that conversation?

The answer is when they bring it up. A short and matter-of-fact description will answer your child’s questions while showing her that the person is still a person, regardless of their disability.

You can start by examining your own response, children pick up on our body language and tone of voice. When your child sees a person using a wheelchair, you can say“Your legs help you move around and the wheelchair helps that person move around.” Emphasize points of connection and not separation.

Even when differencesare not physical, children can pick up on differences that they may not have encountered. Just like when you are talking about physical disabilities, you want to emphasize points of connections. For example, if a child is screaming to communicate, there is a chance they are nonverbal and this is a method of communication to express emotion.

An example scenario, Max talks about his friend Amy. He mentions Amy doesn’t talk and screams a lot. This is a natural observation by a child and a wonderful opportunity to have a conversation. You can start with asking Max what he is good at and what is hard for him. You can then ask him what Amy is good at and explain that it may be hard for Amy to talk about what she is feeling. Instead of focusing on challenges, you can create a commonality between Max and Amy by showing Max that we each have our strengths and challenges. This type of conversation invites reciprocity and an opportunity to build a relationship rather than creating a divide by singling out an individual. It’s important for children to learn that just because someone can’t do something, or struggle in one area, it doesn’t mean someone doesn’t excel in other areas.

Another important piece to keep in mind when having this conversation is to emphasize person centered language. It creates a language of helping. A person is not bound to a wheelchair, the person is in a wheelchair. A girl who can’t hear is not a deaf girl, she is a girl who is deaf. A boy who can’t see is not a blind boy, he is a boy who is blind. The use of language is critical, it ensures people are seen as people and not as their disability. Describe what a person has, not what they don’t have.

Lastly, it’s important to watch our actions when speaking to people with disabilities. People with disabilities are still people, they have strengths and weaknesses just like us. Everyone is different and has different needs and feelings about their situations. Some people really appreciate the opportunity to talk about their disability and educate other people while some prefer their privacy. My advice is to engage in a natural conversation and ask if there is anything you can do. Treat others the way you want to be treated, never assume someone needs or wants something.

There’s a beautiful quote and it’s something very important to remember when we talk about people with disabilities. “Every child is a different kind of flower, and all together make this word a beautiful garden.”

Monica Vernier is a Housing Resource Specialist for people with disabilities and/or mental illness. She studied at Miami University of Ohio, she specializes in community outreach. Her focus is creating inclusive communities; allowing individuals to have full access to resources, promoting equal treatment and opportunity and working towards eliminating discrimination through education. She lives in Michigan with her two year old daughter, Thea.