2020-05-19 你有没有把开心地和孩子相处放在第一优先级呢

Make enjoying your kids your top parenting priority.

 In a competitive, overly busy world, it's so easy to forget the basics: that enjoying your kids is one of the best things you can do for them, and for yourself. You don't have to spend every moment with your kid, or convince yourself parenting isn't hard when it is. But think for a moment about the giddy look we give babies when we see them in the morning or after a long day away. Think about the experience of being that baby: every time someone looks at you, they smile as if you're a miracle.

 Your kid needs to feel the joy of seeing your face light up when you see him because you are genuinely happy to spend time with him. This feeling is incredibly powerful and important for his self- esteem and sense of well-being. Bill still remembers that when he went through a difficult period in his early twenties, he had pair of friends who always expressed how happy they were to see him. This was forty years ago, and still it's seared into his consciousness.

 This powerful memory helped shape Bill's thinking when he started to do psychotherapy with kids and families. He began to suggest to parents that they make enjoying their kids their top priority so that their kids would have the experience of being joy- producing organisms.

 Once that priority of enjoyment is set, work backward. If you're not enjoying your children because of unresolved anger, focus on resolving that anger. If you're not enjoying your kids because of pressures from work, focus on relaxation strategies and cognitive techniques for minimizing anxiety. If the lack of enjoyment is due to marital conflict, investigate couples therapy. If you're not enjoying your kids because of their problematic behavior, work with professional to help improve this behavior. If you're not enjoying your kids because you're not getting enough social support, socialize more. Or perhaps you're not enjoying your kids because you're spending too much time with them. Our highest goal in life isn't to make our kids feel good-but it's worth paying attention to what's blocking you from genuinely enjoying them and removing it.

 Very early in his career, Bill did a consultation with Eric,a twenty-one-year-old "failure to launch" young adult who had had academic and behavioral difficulties in high school, flunked out of college twice, and was struggling to stay clean and sober. After Eric had recounted his struggles in school and the constant conflict that occurred between him and his parents in the teenage years, Bill asked “Do you think there is something that your parents could have done differently when you were in high school that could have made life better for you?" After thinking for a long time, Eric said, "I think it might have helped if they had been happy to see me sometimes."

给自己一个善意的提醒：我们要开心地在一起，在一起时，我们也要开开心心的。

今天的道理其实很简单，要把开心地和孩子相处当作第一优先级。只是真实世界中，在我们带孩子的时候，往往会由于各种原因，把我们的怒火发到孩子们的身上，也许事后会后悔，但情绪上来的那瞬间，真的恨不得抽自己。这篇小短文提醒我们要把开心地和孩子相处放在第一优先级，作者让我们试着换位思考，想想你是孩子的时候，你也需要看到父母的面孔时，就会开心的样子。作者分享了一个例子，也给了我们具体的怎么做的办法，一旦我们确定了这个第一优先级，那么往回看，究竟是什么让你不开心的，不开心到连和自己的小孩相处都没那么快乐了呢？如果是其他事情导致的愤怒情绪，那就先处理愤怒的情绪；如果是工作的压力，那就先缓解压力……不论是什么原因，我们都不应该把让我们不开心的事情牵扯进和孩子快乐地相处当中。

我觉得不单是和孩子相处，夫妻之间、同事之间、以及任何的人与人相处的时候，难免都会有摩擦，我们可能一不留神就让情绪占据了主导，说出一些不开心的话或者做出一些不开心甚至令人后悔的事。常常跟朋友聊到这点的时候，就会一致认为，这属于“道理都懂，可仍过不好这一生”的课题。不过，只要我们都认为开心地在一起才是我们的初衷，那么我们不断地给自己善意的提醒，不要忘了这个初衷，一次次地这么做了，自然，和孩子，和我们每天要相处的人在一起时，就会开开心心的了。