我曾真诚地爱过你
2017.05.07
我多想放弃我自己，
因为我爱你。
我多想放下我那些偏执的、失根的、没有方向的信仰，
因为我爱你。
可是，我又将成为谁？
我向着时间深处极目望去
看到一幅幅欢乐的景象
或许那时我已体态臃肿
身上浸满了油烟
但我看到我的脸颊依旧不可抑制的发红
你站在我身后
轻轻抱住我
我转过身可以亲吻你的双唇
我把你放在柔软的沙发上
亲手送上为你熬的汤
我蜷缩在世界的一角
看着我的、你的身边的女孩
她们一个个走向银行的柜台
公司的格子间
一座座威严而朴素的大楼里的办公室
她们衣着得体、优雅大方
你将带着她们其中一个回家
仿佛每一个都比我更适合你
都能比我更能让你幸福
我尝试着让自己靠近那些摆放着绿植的窗台
当我走在路上
看到了大厦下的玻璃门
我觉得它要把我吞噬
又重新感受到那种恐惧
我觉得我会消失在那些七彩的玻璃中
我恨我自己
我悄悄地推开你心前那扇门
静静地观赏其中美丽的景象
我回头望去
看到了那些与我无关的幸福时刻
我驻足观赏
露出欣喜的微笑
可是突然间
看到一个我突兀地站在中央
那个房间开始变得吵闹
抖动
有人离开
我看到那些悲伤挣扎和痛苦
我看到你满心的悔恨留恋和思念
直到它们在我眼前变成层层叠叠的影子
突然间我站在了一团团迷雾之间
你把那团迷雾丢开在一个角落里
我想我该离开了
可我久久徘徊留恋
可我流下的泪水又惊扰了你
我恨我自己
I love you too much to like me
I aspire to become you more than to become who I am
I wanna abandon all those my illiberal, groundless beliefs
without direction
Cause I really love you
But who will I be ?
Before I leave myself for the one you like
I have to admit the fact
that I am not that one
with tears in my heart
And then who will I be?
When this day is through
I see excelente drama we two perform
I sniff the boiling soup’s smell
you hug me from behind with hands around my waist
I look back not avoiding eye contact
and kiss your lips
you are nestled on the sofa
It’ my duty to carry the bowl of soup to you
I hide myself in a corner
watching so many girls around in my and your world
I can’t refrain from considering everyone fit for you but me
I see those girls moving towards bank counters
Towards office cubicles
They are well-dressed, wearing exquisite makeup
You’ll take one of them back home with happiness one day
I make my way to one of those beautiful buildings
Stand in front of the glass door feeling the fear over again
As if i would be swallowed by that translucent glass and vanish
I hate myself
I slipped into your heart
Caught sight of many happy scenes irrelevant to me
I stood a long time and smiled
All of a sudden
I found myself there
noisy and trembling the room
I saw sorrows, anguish, pathos in it
I saw it full of remorse and miss
Until all became a cloud of mist
You put it away and went about emptying the room
It’ time I left, I think
But it’s hard for me to tear myself away
looking back every now and then
My shedding tears disturbed you
I hate myself
