Outbreak

2022  3  11  周五  多云  5-18°

1. Got up at seven o'clock. Prepare the breakfast. Sent Two children to school.

2. I went walkning with two friends for an hour.  I was tired. So I left early.

3. I was so tired that I don't know what to do. I resort to movies to get inspired, but  only found more lost.

4. The lunch is bad. Even I hate it. Why would I eat the left overs all the time?  The kitchen was a mess. Every room was a mess. I can't get myself into tidying up.

5. There was a voice in my head. Keep telling me: you are a loser. You are a loser. You're a loser.  I finally burst into cry  We're going to bed. Kept asking myself questions. David noticed the difference. He left me alone as I request it.  I cried about five minutes while trying to pull myself together.  Then I hugged david in the way lie down to get some sleep. But I still don't get enough sleep. It's hard to  Get sleep.  I was tired and dozy and really depressed.

6.  Half an hour after david went to school,  I decided to get up to face the life.  I viewed three videos in Douyin  About medium video launching.  There were some points. Interesting me.

7. Then my husband came home.  He can't understand what I always been through. And I I don't want to talk to him. It requires a lot of explanation.

I tiny kitchen. Only find more and more job to do.  Then I collapsed again. What is the meaning? I have to clean the refrigerator. I have to dump the rotten vegetables. I have to brush several pots.  I have to change the rubbish bag. The 3rd time dis day. I have to wait for the kids to come home. So many things that I have to do in. I don't know, what's the meaning of that? Is this my life? Are these what I'm living for?Are these all my value at? Even I myself can't stand what I am now.

I want myself back. I want my life back. I'm person. Not a robotic nanny.

I hate myself now. I can't hate it more.

I know I have examinations that I have to take. I just get tired of all these responsibilities.  I know! I'm the mommy. I know  The children depends on me. I just can't accept I was  Totally, their's.

The depression had hit me years ago. So I was familiar with the union and the consequences. And I know I need to calm down  And take a deep breath.

I was so close to a job yesterday. I was not sure whether I'm gonna like it or not. But I need another role to get to know people and be known by others to have connections to the society. I want to be myself.