Reality check is about time! Bed

2020-02-20

the fourth day supposed something coming out when it needs to be, we started with the safe after my teaching in morning, James came back to say safe is not working. 

I tell reception to fix it they said can u be in the room.

me: no, u can just go.

James: no, we have stuff there better we are there.

Me: ok, then u go I do not want to go back. 

we came out of reception he said to me in emotion: I am not your servant u are not CEO here.

Me: I feel like servant to u!

我语塞，感觉这就是dating poor guy 结果，我无所谓他都有所谓，虽然到了pool shala各忙各的，我布置作业和总结，感觉很不舒服，和他说去餐厅喝coconut，问他为啥如此not nice?

James道歉，解释良久，正在working on book, u have money u think u can do whatever to against their rules, I can do it better with proper tone and wording. 

me: forgiven but not forgot. 

可以想象他吃午餐嗯嗯赞赏变成我反感的点。我看书，试图消除负面影响，他很有心情，吃饱之后，给我解释muksa实现过程：基本上可分为四大类（英语：Purusharthas）：包括法（dharma），道德及智性上的追求；利益事（英语：Artha）（artha），物质收入与种种利益；解脱（mokṣa，获得心灵的自由）；欲乐。这在佛教中得以传承，并借由佛教传播到其他国家地区。

在佛教中，欲乐（Kāma）指追求经由五蕴（色、受、想、行、识）感知五境（色、声、香、味、触）可以得到的物质性快乐，又称五欲乐，分别是财欲（或称贪欲、利欲）、色欲（或称性欲）、名欲、食欲（或称饮食欲）、睡欲[1]。

对欲乐产生想要的心态，称为贪欲（kāmacchanda），为五盖之一。对欲乐产生的爱取，称欲爱（kāma-taṇhā）。对于欲乐产生的贪，称欲贪（Kāma-rāga），为十结之一。

来到beach shala，他看我情绪不好，主动提议： u said we should know each other better by asking the right questions. what is strongest fear? (after he is er lunch noise I am barely talking it)

Me: Die alone

Not being loved 

Used, sunny told me that my parents used me which so hard to accept and hurtful but is true somehow! Yours?

James: 

Missing! the things I supposed to be doing coming to this world.

Not good enough

Loneliness, in mysore people look at me as a guy somewhere above normality but u just came cross through like that! 

Me: Are u worried about your financial situation a lot? u mentioned it often and I have this impression. I do not want to put me in another situation similar to what I ran away from. I tend to withdraw suddenly like from China family corporation and marriage without telling how I really feel, I should learn that from u.

James: last relationship made me feel failure since she is ready to have a baby but I can not provide a home 2017 that is 2018 I was in dark place and 2019 made an offer with the money I got from mother side and borrowed from father, not a lot but almost bought it for the wrong reason, then I did not. 

me: for the sake of your own confidence as a man, u should be self-sufficient and I am independent complete and we should both do the efforts by each other capability of means.  u should be taking care of yourself as well.

James spend quite a junk of time saying he is doing all the efforts to make himself sufficient, well.........also explained in length that with the conflict he Could have done it differently and say it nice way.

it is a reality check dialogue even not in my comfort zone but I am glad we did it, telling each other a bit truth which concerns me, he can not expect my financial support. 

then we back to change for beach Ball stick paying which is quite new to me, to be honest also a bit exhausting but having fun for something new. 

he went to swim for short while then back suggest we go to pool which I can practice the learning freestyle swimming.

we went to Z for dinner, nice walk, he is taking the effort to pay the bill which just nice to see not necessary matters financially.Talking about father losing both same time when mother died how much he dislike to go back to home city but have to stay with his father, I am very happy that I do not go back with him. he ate the whole Fish, I got my salad, sprint roll and crudity all ok, but not so splendid. 

Walking back with dark sky, he is not knowing how to take my hand, always I am holding his. 

on bed I told him he is Difficult guy with all the things on using least toilet papers,Flushing, light, chemical, sprays etc. 

he said all his people are worse and accused me not discreet by talking loud in public. I was disagreeing, I am very discreet, I am minimum impact on planet , u shower longer time and eating fish! how two persons can be so hard together. I told me only Relationship works is to enjoy since together do not change each other. U are alone u can do anything u want! I turned around and sleep. 

After a while he apologized and said sorry to make u feel Uncomfortable!

Well, what I can say, I comfort him saying: I am not uncomfortable I am just telling that I compromise to make it work, u are Sweet so I take the shit.  I choose being with u!

he saying how he is compromising also, we come to peace by making love for comforting each other, it works always, I knew it from early years, now it is still working, even better.