我就要你好好的 Me Before You
我就要你好好的 Me Before You
作者：乔乔·莫伊斯 (Jojo Moyes) [英国]
你可以把生活变成故事，但你想不到故事的结局。露·克拉克知道很多事情。她知道从公共汽车站走回家有多少步。她知道她喜欢在“黄油面包”茶馆工作，喜欢这有点迷糊又有点窘迫的生活。她其实清楚地知道自己或许不喜欢男朋友帕特里克。露不知道的是她马上要失去她的工作，即将发生的事情会让她猝不及防。威尔·特雷纳知道摩托车事故带走了本可以波澜壮阔的人生。他现在觉得每件事情都毫无意义，了无生趣。他确切地知道该怎样结束这一切。威尔不知道的是露将穿着她五颜六色的衣服，闯进他的世界，而彼此的生活将彻底改变……
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2009
2009
There are 158 footsteps between the bus stop and home, but it can stretch to 180 if you aren't in a hurry, like maybe if you're wearing platform shoes. Or shoes you bought from a charity shop that have butterflies on the toes but never quite grip the heel at the back, thereby explaining why they were a knock-down £1.99. I turned the corner into our street (68 steps), and could just see the house -- a four-bedroomed semi in a row of other three- and four-bedroomed semis. Dad's car was outside, which meant he had not yet left for work.
公共汽车站与我家的距离是158步，如果不赶时间，比如脚穿平底鞋，或是从旧货店淘来的那种脚趾边饰有蝴蝶，脚后跟永远都不大扣得住，因而以1.99英镑的低价就能入手的鞋时，这段距离会扩展到180步。我转弯拐进街道（68步），从那儿刚好能看到那栋房子——一套四卧室的半独立式住宅在一排相似规格的住宅中间。父亲的车停在门外，这说明他还没有外出工作。
Behind me, the sun was setting behind Stortfold Castle, its dark shadow sliding down the hill like melting wax to overtake me. When I was a child we used to make our elongated shadows have gun battles, our street the O. K. Corral. On a different sort of day, I could have told you all the things that had happened to me on this route: where Dad taught me to ride a bike without stabilizers; where Mrs Doherty with the lopsided wig used to make us Welsh cakes; where Treena stuck her hand into a hedge when she was eleven and disturbed a wasp's nest and we ran screaming all the way back to the castle.
落日映照在斯托夫堡，阴影沿山而下，宛如正在熔化的蜡烛，一路追赶着我。我还是个小孩子时，我们常常追逐着彼此被拉长的影子进行枪战，我们的街道就成了O．K．畜栏[3]。换做另一天，我可能会告诉你在这条路上发生在我身上的所有事情：在不依靠平衡器的情况下，父亲在哪个地方教我骑自行车；戴着不对称假发的道尔蒂夫人常在什么地方给我们做威尔士蛋糕；特丽娜11岁时把手插进哪个地方的一段树篱，捣了一个马蜂窝，然后我们一路尖叫狂奔回城堡。 注：[3]美国亚利桑那州墓碑镇最为人所知的事件就是1881年在O。K。畜栏发生过枪战。
Thomas's tricycle was upturned on the path and, closing the gate behind me, I dragged it under the porch and opened the door. The warmth hit me with the force of an air bag; Mum is a martyr to the cold and keeps the heating on all year round. Dad is always opening windows, complaining that she'd bankrupt the lot of us. He says our heating bills are larger than the GDP of a small African country.
托马斯的三轮车倒扣在道路上挡住了门。我把小车拖到门廊，打开门。一股热浪袭来，像是置身于热气袋里。母亲不能受冷，家里一年到头供暖。父亲总会打开窗户，抱怨说她这样会让我们全家破产。他说我们的暖气费比一个非洲小国家的GDP还要高。
"That you, love?"
“亲爱的，是你吗？”
"Yup." I hung my jacket on the peg, where it fought for space amongst the others.
“嗯。”我挪了挪其他衣服，匀出一点空间把外套挂上。
"Which you? Lou? Treena?"
“露还是特丽娜？”
"Lou."
“露。”
I peered round the living-room door. Dad was face down on the sofa, his arm thrust deep between the cushions, as if they had swallowed his limb whole. Thomas, my five-year-old nephew, was on his haunches, watching him intently.
我四下打量起居室。父亲坐在沙发上，脸朝下，一只手深深地插进软垫间，那些垫子貌似吞噬了他的整支胳膊。托马斯，我五岁的外甥，坐在父亲腿上，目不转睛地瞧着他。
"Lego." Dad turned his face towards me, puce from exertion. "Why they have to make the damned pieces so small I don't know. Have you seen ObiWan Kenobi's left arm?"
“乐高[4]。”因为费力，父亲的脸有些发紫，他转向我说道，“我实在搞不懂他们为什么要把这该死的积木做得这么小。你有没有见过欧比旺·克诺比[5]的左胳膊？” 注：[4]一种儿童积木玩具的商标名。[5]电影《星球大战》中的一个角色。
"It was on top of the DVD player. I think he swapped Obi's arms with Indiana Jones's."
“在DVD播放机上面。我觉得他把欧比的胳膊搞成了印第安纳·琼斯[6]的。” 注：[6] 电影《夺宝奇兵》系列的主角。
"Well, apparently now Obi can't possibly have beige arms. We have to have the black arms."
“嗯，显然欧比不可能有米色的胳膊，我们必须给他装上黑色的胳膊。”
"I wouldn't worry. Doesn't Darth Vader chop his arm off in episode two?" I pointed at my cheek so that Thomas would kiss it. "Where's Mum?"
“我倒不在意。《星球大战》第二季里达斯·维达[7]不是砍掉了他的胳膊吗？”我指了指我的脸颊，示意托马斯亲那里。“妈妈呢？” 注：[7]电影《星球大战》中的一个角色。
"Upstairs. How about that? A two-pound piece!"
“在楼上。那个怎样？一块两磅的积木？”
I looked up, just able to hear the familiar creak of the ironing board. Josie Clark, my mother, never sat down. It was a point of honour. She had been known to stand on an outside ladder painting the windows, occasionally pausing to wave, while the rest of us ate a roast dinner.
我抬起头，刚好能听到熨衣板熟悉的嘎吱声。母亲约瑟·克拉克总是不得闲。这事关她的面子。大家都已经熟悉的场景是，她站在外面的梯子上用油漆漆窗户，偶尔停下来晃晃手，而我们则自在地吃着烧烤。
"Will you have a go at finding this bloody arm for me? He's had me looking for half an hour and I've got to get ready for work."
“你能帮我找找那只该死的胳膊吗？他已经让我找了半小时，我得去上班了。”
"Are you on nights?"
“您上夜班吗？”
"Yeah. It's half five."
“对，现在五点半了。”
I glanced at the clock. "Actually, it's half four."
我瞥了眼时钟。“事实上，现在才四点半。”
He extracted his arm from the cushions and squinted at his watch. "Then what are you doing home so early?"
他从软垫里抽出手来，眯眼看了下他的表。“那你今天怎么这么早就回来了？”
I shook my head vaguely, as if I might have misunderstood the question, and walked into the kitchen.
我茫然地摇了摇头，装作没听懂这个问题，而后我走进厨房。
Granddad was sitting in his chair by the kitchen window, studying a sudoku. The health visitor had told us it would be good for his concentration, help his focus after the strokes. I suspected I was the only one to notice he simply filled out all the boxes with whatever number came to mind.
外祖父坐在厨房窗边他的椅子上，正在研究一副数独拼图[8]。健康访视护士[9]告诉过我们这个游戏有利于帮助中过风的外祖父集中注意力。我怀疑只有我注意到他只是简单地填满所有的格子，根本就没有管是什么数字。 注：[8]一种填数游戏。[9]通过家访的形式向人们提供健康咨询的护士，尤其是向老人和子女年幼的父母。
"Hey, Granddad."
“嗨，外公。”
He looked up and smiled.
他微笑着抬起头。
"You want a cup of tea?"
“想喝一杯茶吗？”
He shook his head, and partially opened his mouth.
他摇了摇头，微微张开嘴。
"Cold drink?"
“要冷饮吗？”
He nodded.
他点点头。
I opened the fridge door. "There's no apple juice." Apple juice, I remembered now, was too expensive. "Ribena?"
我打开冰箱门。“没有苹果汁。”苹果汁，我想起来，太贵了。“利宾纳[10]可以吗？” 注：[10]一种富含维生素C的饮料。
He shook his head.
他摇摇头。
"Water?"
“水呢？”
He nodded, murmured something that could have been a thank you as I handed him the glass.
他点了点头。我递给他水时，他喃喃地说了句话，好像是“谢谢”。
My mother walked into the room, bearing a huge basket of neatly folded laundry. "Are these yours?" She brandished a pair of socks.
母亲走进房间，她挎着个巨大的篮子，里面装着叠整齐的衣服。“这是你的吗？”她挥动着一双袜子问道。
"Treena's, I think."
“我想是特丽娜的。”
"I thought so. Odd colour. I think they must have got in with Daddy's plum pyjamas. You're back early. Are you going somewhere?"
“我也觉得是。颜色真怪，肯定是让你爸爸的紫红色睡衣给染色了。你回来得真早，要去哪儿吗？”
"No." I filled a glass with tap water and drank it.
“不去。”我倒满一杯自来水，喝了起来。
"Is Patrick coming round later? He rang here earlier. Did you have your mobile off?"
“晚一点帕特里克会来吗？他往这儿打过电话，你的手机是不是关机了？”
"Mm."
“嗯。”
"He said he's after booking your holiday. Your father says he saw something on the television about it. Where is it you liked? Ipsos? Kalypsos?"
“他说想提前安排一下你的假期。你爸爸说在电视上看到了一些相关信息。你喜欢什么地方？益普索？卡拉普索？”
"Skiathos."
“斯基亚奈斯。”
"That's the one. You want to check your hotel very carefully. Do it on the internet. He and Daddy watched something on the news at lunchtime. Apparently they're building sites, half of those budget deals, and you wouldn't know until you got there. Daddy, would you like a cup of tea? Did Lou not offer you one?" She put the kettle on then glanced up at me. It's possible she had finally noticed I wasn't saying anything. "Are you all right, love? You look awfully pale."
“就这么定了。酒店你可得找仔细了，在网上操作吧。他和你爸爸午餐时从新闻上看到了点什么。显然，他们在选择观光地点，以及讨论要紧的预算部分，你到那儿时才能知道这些情况。爸爸，您要来杯茶吗？露没有给您倒一杯吗？”她烧上水，然后瞧着我，可能她终于意识到我没说什么话。“你还好吗，亲爱的？你脸色差极了。”
She reached out a hand and felt my forehead, as if I were much younger than twenty-six.
她伸出手摸了摸我的额头，好像我还是个小孩子，离二十六岁还差得远。
"I don't think we're going on holiday."
“我想我们不会去度假。”
My mother's hand stilled. Her gaze had that X-ray thing that it had held since I was a kid. "Are you and Pat having some problems?"
母亲的手停了下来。她的注视像X光一样穿透我的身体，打从我小时候她就是这种目光。“你和帕特闹矛盾了吗？”
"Mum, I --"
“妈妈，我——”
"I'm not trying to interfere. It's just, you've been together an awful long time. It's only natural if things get a bit sticky every now and then. I mean, me and your father we --"
“我并不想干涉你们的事情。只是，你们俩在一起这么久了，不时有些磕磕绊绊很正常。我和你爸爸，我们——”
"I lost my job."
“我失业了。”
My voice cut into the silence. The words hung there, searing themselves on the little room long after the sound had died away.
我的话让母亲安静下来，话语在小房间里回荡，过了好一会儿才消失。
"You what?"
“什么？”
"Frank's shutting down the cafe. From tomorrow." I held out a hand with the slightly damp envelope I had gripped in shock the entire journey home. All 180 steps from the bus stop. "He's given me my three months' money."
“弗兰克把茶馆关了，从明天开始就不营业了。”我伸出那只拿着信封的手，回来的这一路上 ——从公车汽车站回来的 180步 ——我都紧紧拽着它，我还未从震惊中缓过神来，信封被捏得略微有些汗湿。“他付给了我三个月的薪水。”
The day had started like any other day. Everyone I knew hated Monday mornings, but I never minded them. I liked arriving early at The Buttered Bun, firing up the huge tea urn in the corner, bringing in the crates of milk and bread from the backyard and chatting to Frank as we prepared to open.
这天开始时一如往常。我认识的每个人都对周一早上深恶痛绝，我却从未有过这种想法。我喜欢早早地就到“黄油面包”茶馆，把角落里的巨大茶壶煮上，把后院的牛奶箱和面包搬进来，一边做开门前的准备工作，一边跟弗兰克闲聊。
I liked the fuggy bacon-scented warmth of the cafe, the little bursts of cool air as the door opened and closed, the low murmur of conversation and, when quiet, Frank's radio singing tinnily to itself in the corner. It wasn't a fashionable place -- its walls were covered in scenes from the castle up on the hill, the tables still sported Formica tops, and the menu hadn't altered since I started, apart from a few changes to the chocolate bar selection and the addition of chocolate brownies and muffins to the iced bun tray.
我喜欢茶馆里有些闷热的带着培根味道的温暖气氛，喜欢门开开合合时带进来的丝丝凉风，人们的窃窃私语，还有安静时角落里弗兰克的收音机里轻轻流淌的乐曲。这儿不是个时髦的地方——墙上覆盖着从城堡到山顶的风景图画，桌上仍然铺着爱美家的塑料贴面，菜单打从我来这里工作就基本没有变过，除了巧克力棒可供选择的种类、巧克力布朗尼和玛芬的配料有了稍许变化。
But most of all I liked the customers. I liked Kev and Angelo, the plumbers, who came in most mornings and teased Frank about where his meat might have come from. I liked the Dandelion Lady, nicknamed for her shock of white hair, who ate one egg and chips from Monday to Thursday and sat reading the complimentary newspapers and drinking her way through two cups of tea. I always made an effort to chat with her. I suspected it might be the only conversation the old woman got all day.
最重要的是，我喜欢那些顾客。我喜欢管道工凯文和安吉洛，他们几乎每个早上都来，就弗兰克从哪里搞到店里的肉跟他开玩笑。我对“蒲公英女士”也颇有好感，这个昵称源于她那满头的蓬松白发，从周一到周四，她都吃炸土豆条外加一个鸡蛋，她坐在那儿看免费报纸，喝上两杯茶。我总是找机会跟她聊天。我怀疑这可能是这位老太太一整天里唯一的谈话。
I liked the tourists, who stopped on their walk up and down from the castle, the shrieking schoolchildren, who stopped by after school, the regulars from the offices across the road, and Nina and Cherie, the hairdressers, who knew the calorie count of every single item The Buttered Bun had to offer. Even the annoying customers, like the red-haired woman who ran the toyshop and disputed her change at least once a week, didn't trouble me.
我还喜欢去往城堡，喜欢从那里下来的来歇脚的旅客，放学后大笑着跑来的孩子们，从街道对面的办公室过来的老主顾，还有理发师妮娜和切莉，她们知道店里每样食物的卡路里含量。连那些讨别人嫌的顾客，比如开玩具店的那个红头发女人，每星期为找给她的零钱至少跟我吵一次架，也没有让我烦心。
I watched relationships begin and end across those tables, children transferred between divorcees, the guilty relief of those parents who couldn't face cooking, and the secret pleasure of pensioners at a fried breakfast. All human life came through, and most of them shared a few words with me, trading jokes or comments over the mugs of steaming tea. Dad always said he never knew what was going to come out of my mouth next, but in the cafe it didn't matter.
我见证着餐桌上一段段感情的开始与结束，父母离异的孩子们在双亲之间的挪移，这些没法面对饭菜的家长们虽然愧疚，却也感到释然。领养老金的人们对一顿油煎早餐暗自欢悦。形形色色的人都来过茶馆，大多数人都跟我搭过讪，开开玩笑或是点评一下盛着热气腾腾茶水的杯子。父亲常说他永远猜不到我下一句要说的是什么，但是在茶馆这并不要紧。
Frank liked me. He was quiet by nature, and said having me there kept the place lively. It was a bit like being a barmaid, but without the hassle of drunks.
弗兰克对我非常满意。他生性沉默，他说我让这个地方充满生机。我的工作有点像是酒吧女招待，不过没有醉鬼带来的麻烦。
And then that afternoon, after the lunchtime rush had ended, and with the place briefly empty, Frank, wiping his hands on his apron, had come out from behind the hotplate and turned the little Closed sign to face the street.
然而那天下午，午餐那段繁忙时间结束之后，茶馆里暂时没有什么人，弗兰克从电炉后面走出来，在他的围裙上擦了擦手，把“已经打烊”的小标志牌转向街道。
"Now now, Frank, I've told you before. Extras are not included in the minimum wage." Frank was, as Dad put it, as queer as a blue gnu. I looked up.
“弗兰克，我跟你说过，额外收入并不包含在最低工资里。”弗兰克，用我父亲的话说，像一只蓝色的牛羚一样怪异。我抬起头来。
He wasn't smiling.
他没有笑。
"Uh-oh. I didn't put salt in the sugar cellars again, did I?"
“噢，我没有又把盐放进糖罐吧？”
He was twisting a tea towel between his two hands and looked more uncomfortable than I had ever seen him. I wondered, briefly, whether someone had complained about me. And then he motioned to me to sit down.
他两手绞着一块茶巾，自从我认识他以来，他从没有这么不自在过。一时间我都纳闷是不是有人向他抱怨过我的不是。这时他示意我坐下。
"Sorry, Louisa," he said, after he had told me. "But I'm going back to Australia. My Dad's not too good, and it looks like the castle is definitely going to start doing its own refreshments. The writing's on the wall."
“很抱歉，露易莎，”他告诉我详情，“我要回澳大利亚了。我爸爸的身体不是太好，而且城堡方面肯定也要自己开始经营茶点店，相关的告示已经贴在墙上了。”
I think I sat there with my mouth actually hanging open. And then Frank had handed me the envelope, and answered my next question before it left my lips. "I know we never had, you know, a formal contract or anything, but I wanted to look after you. There's three months' money in there. We close tomorrow."
我一定表现得非常惊讶。随后，弗兰克递给我一个信封，并且在我张口之前就回答了我想问的问题。“你知道，我们从来没有签订过正式的合同或者类似的文件，但是我希望对你有所补偿。信封里是你三个月的工资，我们明天就停业了。”
"Three months!" Dad exploded, as my mother thrust a cup of sweet tea into my hands. "Well, that's big of him, given she's worked like a ruddy Trojan in that place for the last six years."
“三个月的工资！”父亲勃然大怒，母亲塞给我一杯甜茶。“哟，他真慷慨，过去的六年，她像一个强健的特洛伊人一样在那里卖力工作，他一定考虑到了这点。”
"Bernard." Mum shot him a warning look, nodding towards Thomas. My parents minded him after school every day until Treena finished work.
“巴纳德。”母亲警告地瞅了他一眼，朝托马斯点点头。他每天放学后我父母都要照看他，直到特丽娜下班。
"What the hell is she supposed to do now? He could have given her more than a day's bloody notice."
“那她现在到底该去干什么？他至少可以提前一天告诉她这个该死的消息。”
"Well… she'll just have to get another job."
“嗯……她得再找一份工作。”
"There are no bloody jobs, Josie. You know that as well as I do. We're in the middle of a bloody recession."
“没有什么该死的工作，约瑟。这点你我心知肚明。我们正处在见鬼的经济衰退中。”
Mum shut her eyes for a moment, as if composing herself before she spoke. "She's a bright girl. She'll find herself something. She's got a solid employment record, hasn't she? Frank will give her a good reference."
母亲把眼睛闭了一会儿，好让自己镇静下来，然后她说道：“她是个聪明的女孩，她会找到事做。她有稳定的工作记录，不是吗？弗兰克会给她一封很棒的推荐信。”
"Oh, fecking marvellous… 'Louisa Clark is very good at buttering toast, and a dab hand with the old teapot.'"
“哦，极其让人赞叹……‘露易莎·克拉克相当擅长烤面包，是侍弄旧茶壶的行家。’”
"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Dad."
“谢谢您的信任，爸爸。”
"I'm just saying."
“我只是随口说说罢了。”
I knew the real reason for Dad's anxiety. They relied on my wages. Treena earned next to nothing at the flower shop. Mum couldn't work, as she had to look after Granddad, and Granddad's pension amounted to almost nothing. Dad lived in a constant state of anxiety about his job at the furniture factory. His boss had been muttering about possible redundancies for months. There were murmurings at home about debts and the juggling of credit cards. Dad had had his car written off by an uninsured driver two years previously, and somehow this had been enough for the whole teetering edifice that was my parents' finances to finally collapse. My modest wages had been a little bedrock of housekeeping money, enough to help see the family through from week to week.
我知道父亲如此焦虑的真正原因，他们指望我的工资过活。特丽娜在花店几乎挣不到什么钱，母亲因为要照顾外祖父没法去上班，而外祖父的养老金根本不值一提。父亲总是担心他会丢掉在家具厂的工作。几个月来，他的老板一直念叨着要裁员。家里人对于所欠的债务及信用卡这种骗钱的手段发着牢骚。两年前父亲的车被一个未上保险的司机彻底损坏，从某种角度来说，这足以使父母本已摇摇欲坠的整栋财政大厦最终倒塌。我微薄的工资成为家用开销的根底，让整个家撑过一周又一周。
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves. She can head down to the Job Centre tomorrow and see what's on offer. She's got enough to get by for now." They spoke as if I weren't there. "And she's smart. You're smart, aren't you, love? Perhaps she could do a typing course. Go into office work."
“我们自己要沉得住气。她明天可以到职业介绍所，看看那里有没有什么工作机会。现在的她足够过活。”他们说话时就好像我不在场。“并且她很聪明。你很聪明，不是吗，亲爱的？也许她可以进修个打字课程，做点办公室工作。”
I sat there, as my parents discussed what other jobs my limited qualifications might entitle me to. Factory work, machinist, roll butterer. For the first time that afternoon I wanted to cry. Thomas watched me with big, round eyes, and silently handed me half a soggy biscuit.
我坐在那里，父母讨论着我有限的资历所能胜任的其他工作：工厂工作、缝纫机工、面包师。那天下午我第一次想掉眼泪。托马斯睁着又大又圆的眼睛看着我，默默地递给我半块受潮的饼干。
"Thanks, Tommo," I mouthed silently, and ate it.
“谢谢你，托马斯。”我轻声说，吃下了饼干。
He was down at the athletics club, as I had known he would be. Mondays to Thursdays, regular as a station timetable, Patrick was there in the gym or running in circles around the floodlit track. I made my way down the steps, hugging myself against the cold, and walked slowly out on to the track, waving as he came close enough to see who it was.
我就知道，他在田径场。从周一到周四，像车站时刻表一样有规律，帕特里克都在那儿，要么在体育馆锻炼，要么在路灯照明的跑道上一个劲儿跑圈。我走下台阶，双手抱在胸前抵御严寒，缓慢地走到跑道上，他跑得离我够近、能看清我是谁时，我向他挥了挥手。
"Run with me," he puffed, as he got closer. His breath came in pale clouds. "I've got four laps to go."
“跟我一起跑跑，”离我更近一些时，他喘着气说道，呼出的气在空中化成白色的雾霭，“我还有四圈要跑。”
I hesitated just a moment, and then began to run alongside him. It was the only way I was going to get any kind of conversation out of him. I was wearing my pink trainers with the turquoise laces, the only shoes I could possibly run in.
我犹豫了一会儿，然后与他并肩跑了起来。这是能从他嘴里套出点话来的唯一方式。我穿着系有碧绿鞋带的粉色运动鞋，这是我唯一一双可以穿着跑步的鞋。
I had spent the day at home, trying to be useful. I'm guessing it was about an hour before I started to get under my mother's feet. Mum and Granddad had their routines, and having me there interrupted them. Dad was asleep, as he was on nights this month, and not to be disturbed. I tidied my room, then sat and watched television with the sound down and when I remembered, periodically, why I was at home in the middle of the day I had felt an actual brief pain in my chest.
白天我一直待在家里，想尽量干点活儿。一个小时之前我才意识到我有些妨碍到母亲。父母有他们的生活习惯，我在那儿会碍事。父亲这个月上晚班，白天在休息，不便打扰。我收拾好自己的房间，然后坐下来看电视，声音调得很低，但时不时我会记起，为什么大中午的我还在家里，我感到胸口切切实实地一阵疼痛。
"I wasn't expecting you."
“我没料到是你。”
"I got fed up at home. I thought maybe we could do something."
“我在家待腻了，我想我们在一起会有点事干。”
He looked sideways at me. There was a fine film of sweat on his face. "The sooner you get another job, babe, the better."
他脸上汗津津的，斜眼看着我。“宝贝，你越快找到一份新工作越好。”
"It's all of twenty-four hours since I lost the last one. Am I allowed to just be a bit miserable and floppy? You know, just for today?"
“离我丢掉上一份工作至少二十四小时了，我可以难受一下，懒散一点吗？你知道的，就今天。”
"But you've got to look at the positive side. You knew you couldn't stay at that place forever. You want to move upwards, onwards." Patrick had been named Stortfold Young Entrepreneur of the Year two years previously, and had not yet quite recovered from the honour. He had since acquired a business partner, Ginger Pete, offering personal training to clients over a 40-mile area, and two liveried vans on the HP. He also had a whiteboard in his office, on which he liked to scrawl his projected turnover with thick black markers, working and reworking the figures until they met with his satisfaction. I was never entirely sure that they bore any resemblance to real life.
“但你得看到事情积极的一面，你很清楚你不可能在那个地方待上一辈子。你要向上、向前。”帕特里克两年前被提名为“斯托夫年度青年企业家”，到现在还沉浸在这一荣耀中。从那时起，他找了位合伙人，金杰·皮特，为方圆四十英里的客户提供个人培训。他还以分期付款方式买下了两辆货车。他办公室里有块白板，他喜欢用又黑又粗的笔在上面涂写上预计的营业额，再三修改，直到他对那个数字满意为止。我一直都不太相信这些数字跟现实情况有相似之处。
"Being made redundant can change people's lives, Lou." He glanced at his watch, checking his lap time. "What do you want to do? You could retrain. I'm sure they do a grant for people like you."
“露，被裁员会改变人们的生活。”他扫了一眼表，核对了一下他跑一圈所花的时间。“你想做什么？你可以去深造培训，我相信喜欢你的人愿意给你提供补助金。”
"People like me?"
“人们喜欢我吗？”
"People looking for a new opportunity. What do you want to be? You could be a beautician. You're pretty enough." He nudged me as we ran, as if I should be grateful for the compliment.
“你想做什么？你可以去当美容师，你相当漂亮。”当我们跑步时，他用肘轻推我，觉得我应该对他的赞美表示感激。
"You know my beauty routine. Soap, water, the odd paper bag."
“你知道我是怎么化妆的。肥皂、水、奇怪的纸袋。”
Patrick was beginning to look exasperated.
帕特里克有些恼火。
I was starting to lag behind. I hate running. I hated him for not slowing down.
我落在他后面了。我讨厌跑步，我恨透了他从不减速。
"Look… shop assistant. Secretary. Estate agent. I don't know… there must be something you want to do."
“唉……售货员、秘书、房地产经纪人。我也说不上来……肯定有你愿意做的事情。”
But there wasn't. I had liked it in the cafe. I liked knowing everything there was to know about The Buttered Bun, and hearing about the lives of the people who came through it. I had felt comfortable there.
可是没有。我喜欢在茶馆工作，了解有关“黄油面包”茶馆的一切，听听到那儿的人们的故事，我在那儿待得很自在。
"You can't mope around, babe. Got to get over it. All the best entrepreneurs fight their way back from rock bottom. Jeffrey Archer did it. So did Richard Branson." He tapped my arm, trying to get me to keep up.
“宝贝，你不能消沉，你要挺住。所有优秀的企业家在遭遇低谷后，都会东山再起。杰弗里·阿切尔做到了，理查德·布兰森也一样。”他拍了拍我的胳膊，想让我打起精神来。
"I doubt if Jeffrey Archer ever got made redundant from toasting teacakes." I was out of breath. And I was wearing the wrong bra. I slowed, dropped my hands down on to my knees.
“我怀疑杰弗里·阿切尔会从烤茶点饼的职位被辞退。”我喘不过气来，而且我穿了不合适的胸罩。我慢了下来，手垂到膝盖上。
He turned, running backwards, his voice carrying on the still, cold air. "But if he had … I'm just saying. Sleep on it, put on a smart suit and head down to the Job Centre. Or I'll train you up to work with me, if you like. You know there's money in it. And don't worry about the holiday. I'll pay."
他转过身，往回跑，话语中携带着静止而寒冷的空气。“但是如果他曾……我只是随便说说。睡一晚明天再说吧，换上一套时髦衣服到职业介绍所看看。或者如果你愿意，我给你培训培训，你来和我一起工作。你知道我们能赚到钱，你也不用担心度假的问题，我来支付费用。”
I smiled at him.
我微笑着看着他。
He blew a kiss and his voice echoed across the empty stadium. "You can pay me back when you're back on your feet."
他飞了一个吻，他的声音在空荡荡的体育场里回荡。“当你重新站起来的时候，你可以还给我。”
I made my first claim for Jobseeker's Allowance. I attended a 45-minute interview, and a group interview, where I sat with a group of twenty or so mismatched men and women, half of whom wore the same slightly stunned expression I suspected I did, and the other half the blank, uninterested faces of people who had been here too many times before. I wore what my Dad deemed my "civilian" clothes.
我申请了求职津贴，参加了一个四十五分钟的面试，一次群面。我和大约二十个怪异的男女一组，他们中一半的人显出略微惊讶的表情，我怀疑我也是这副表情。另一半人则很茫然，由于之前来过这儿太多次而面露冷淡。我穿的是父亲所谓的“平民”服装。
As a result of these efforts, I had endured a brief stint filling in on a night shift at a chicken processing factory (it had given me nightmares for weeks), and two days at a training session as a Home Energy Adviser. I had realized pretty quickly that I was essentially being instructed to befuddle old people into switching energy suppliers, and told Syed, my personal "adviser" that I couldn't do it. He had been insistent that I continue, so I had listed some of the practices that they had asked me to employ, at which point he had gone a bit quiet and suggested we (it was always "we" even though it was pretty obvious that one of us had a job) try something else.
有赖于这些努力，我在一家鸡肉加工厂上了一小段时间的夜班（这让我做了好几个星期的噩梦），在一个培训班当了两天的家庭能源顾问。我很快意识到他们实际上是要我去糊弄老人们更换能源供应商。因此我告诉赛义德——我的个人“顾问”，我干不了。他偏要我坚持下去，我列出了他们要求我采用的一些手段，对此他变得有些沉默，然后建议我们（他总是用“我们”，即使很明显我们中的一人有工作）尝试点别的。
I did two weeks at a fast food chain. The hours were okay, I could cope with the fact that the uniform made my hair static, but I found it impossible to stick to the "appropriate responses' script, with its "How can I help you today?" and its "Would you like large fries with that?" I had been let go after one of the doughnut girls caught me debating the varying merits of the free toys with a four-year-old. What can I say? She was a smart four-year-old. I also thought the Sleeping Beauties were sappy.
我在一家快餐连锁店干了两个星期，工作时间不错，制服让头发产生静电这一点我也可以克服，但是我发现让我坚持使用“恰如其分的回应”不大可能。比如：“今天我能帮到您什么？”“您想要大份的薯条吗？”我跟一个四岁的孩子争论免费玩具的各种优点，一个做甜甜圈的女人逮到了这一幕，然后我就被开除了。我能说什么？她是一个伶俐的四岁孩子。我也认为睡美人们全都多愁善感。
Now I sat at my fourth interview as Syed scanned through the touch screen for further employment "opportunities". Even Syed, who wore the grimly cheerful demeanour of someone who had shoehorned the most unlikely candidates into a job, was starting to sound a little weary.
现在我第四次来面谈，赛义德查看着触摸屏，寻找更多的工作“机会”。就连总是一副乐天派模样的赛义德（他曾为一个最不可能的候选者找到了一份工作），也有点萎靡起来。
"Um… Have you ever considered joining the entertainment industry?"
“嗯……你有没有考虑过进入娱乐圈？”
"What, as in pantomime dame?"
“什么，扮滑稽老太婆？”
"Actually, no. But there is an opening for a pole dancer. Several, in fact."
“实际上，不是。不过确实有一个职位招跳钢管舞的。事实上，有好几个空缺。”
I raised an eyebrow. "Please tell me you are kidding."
我挑了挑眉。“你是在开玩笑吧？”
"It's thirty hours a week on a self-employed basis. I believe the tips are good."
“这份工作基于自营，一周工作三十小时。我相信还有不少小费。”
"Please, please tell me you have not just advised me to get a job that involves parading around in front of strangers in my underwear."
“拜托，你不是建议我穿着内裤在陌生人面前招摇吧？”
"You said you were good with people. And you seem to like… theatrical… clothing." He glanced at my tights, which were green and glittery. I had thought they would cheer me up. Thomas had hummed the theme tune from The Little Mermaid at me for almost the whole of breakfast.
“你说过你擅长跟人打交道，并且看上去你喜欢穿 ……演戏似的 ……衣服。”他看了眼我的紧身裤，它是绿色的，光彩亮丽。我原以为这身打扮会让我更有精神。几乎整个早餐时间，托马斯都在哼《小美人鱼》的主题曲。
Syed tapped something into his keyboard. "How about "adult chat line supervisor"?"
赛义德在键盘上敲了些什么。“成人语音聊天管理员怎么样？”
I stared at him.
我盯着他。
He shrugged. "You said you liked talking to people."
他耸耸肩：“你说过你喜欢跟人聊天。”
"No. And no to semi-nude bar staff. Or masseuse. Or webcam operator. Come on, Syed. There must be something I can do that wouldn't actually give my dad a heart attack."
“不。我不做半裸的酒吧服务员、女按摩师和摄像头操作员。赛义德，肯定有些工作我能做，也不会让我爸犯心脏病。”
This appeared to stump him. "There's not much left outside flexi-hour retail opportunities."
这似乎让他为难。“外面没剩下多少有弹性工作时间的零售职位。”
"Night-time shelf stacking?" I had been here enough times now to speak their language.
“夜间物品陈列？”我到这儿的次数够多，已经能够使用他们的术语。
"There's a waiting list. Parents tend to go for it, because it suits the school hours," he said apologetically. He studied the screen again. "So we're really left with care assistant."
“候选者众多。家长们倾向于做这类工作，因为不会与孩子们的上课时间冲突。”他带着歉意说，“那么我们现在真的只有护理职位了。”
"Wiping old people's bottoms."
“给老年人擦屁股吗？”
"I'm afraid, Louisa, you're not qualified for much else. If you wanted to retrain, I'd be happy to point you in the right direction. There are plenty of courses at the adult education centre."
“很抱歉，露易莎，你不大适合做其他工作。如果你想接受培训，我很高兴为你指点正确的方向。成人教育中心有不少课程。”
"But we've been through this, Syed. If I do that, I lose my Jobseeker money, right?"
“可是我们已经走到这一步了，赛义德。要是我去培训，我就会失去我的求职津贴，对吗？”
"If you're not available for work, yes."
“如果你不胜任工作，是的。”
We sat there in silence for a moment. I gazed at the doors, where two burly security men stood. I wondered if they had got the job through the Job Centre.
我们静静地坐了一会儿。我凝视着大门，两个魁梧的保安人员站在门边，不知道他们是不是通过职业中心找到工作的。
"I'm not good with old people, Syed. My granddad lives at home since he had his strokes, and I can't cope with him."
“我不擅长跟老年人打交道，赛义德。我外公中风后就住在我家，我跟他就处不好。”
"Ah. So you have some experience of caring."
“哈，这么说你有些护理的经验。”
"Not really. My mum does everything for him."
“谈不上。他的事情都是我妈妈一手操办的。”
"Would your mum like a job?"
“你妈妈要找工作吗？”
"Funny."
“真是搞笑。”
"I'm not being funny."
“我没有在开玩笑。”
"And leave me looking after my granddad? No thanks. That's from him, as well as me, by the way. Haven't you got anything in any cafes?"
“难道我妈妈去工作，我留下来照顾外公？不，谢谢你。我替外公谢谢你，当然我也谢谢你。有茶馆招人吗？”
"I don't think there are enough cafes left to guarantee you employment, Louisa. We could try Kentucky Fried Chicken. You might get on better there."
“没剩下几家茶馆能够保障你就业，露易莎。我们可以试试肯德基。在那儿你能做得更好。”
"Because I'd get so much more out of offering a Bargain Bucket than a Chicken McNugget? I don't think so."
“因为卖出一个全家桶和卖出一个麦乐鸡相比，我从中获得的东西更多吗？我不这么认为。”
"Well, then perhaps we'll have to look further afield."
“好吧，也许我们可以看看更远地方的工作。”
"There are only four buses to and from our town. You know that. And I know you said I should look into the tourist bus, but I rang the station and it stops at 5pm. Plus it's twice as expensive as the normal bus."
“只有四辆公共汽车进出我们镇，这一点你清楚。我知道你会让我看看旅游车，我给车站打过电话，下午五点车就停运了。另外，它比普通车贵一倍。”
Syed sat back in his seat. "At this point in proceedings, Louisa, I really need to make the point that as a fit and able person, in order to continue qualifying for your allowance, you need --"
赛义德靠在椅背上。“事情进展到了这一步，露易莎，我确实需要说明一点，作为一个健康而有能力的人，为了有资格继续领取求职津贴，你需要——”
"-- to show that I'm trying to get a job. I know."
“——表现出你正在努力找工作。我知道。”
How could I explain to this man how much I wanted to work? Did he have the slightest idea how much I missed my old job? Unemployment had been a concept, something droningly referred to on the news in relation to shipyards or car factories. I had never considered that you might miss a job like you missed a limb -- a constant, reflexive thing. I hadn't thought that as well as the obvious fears about money, and your future, losing your job would make you feel inadequate, and a bit useless. That it would be harder to get up in the morning than when you were rudely shocked into consciousness by the alarm. That you might miss the people you worked with, no matter how little you had in common with them. Or even that you might find yourself searching for familiar faces as you walked the high street. The first time I had seen the Dandelion Lady wandering past the shops, looking as aimless as I felt, I had fought the urge to go and give her a hug.
我怎样才能向这个男人证明我有多想工作？难道他一点也不了解我有多么喜欢我原先的那份工作吗？失业原本只是一个概念，是在有关造船厂和汽车厂的新闻中，播音员枯燥谈论的东西。我从没想过我想念一份工作会像想念四肢——一种不变的收缩自如的东西。我以前也没有忧虑过经济状况和我的未来，失业让人觉得无能、无用。每天早上你会比被闹钟粗暴地叫醒更加难以起床，你会想念曾与你一起工作的人，不管你们有多么不同。甚至走在大街上时，你都会发现自己在搜寻熟悉的面孔。头一回看见“蒲公英女士”在店铺间闲荡，跟我一样漫无目的时，我尽量克制住了自己上前给她一个拥抱的冲动。
Syed's voice broke into my reverie. "Aha. Now this might work."
赛义德的声音打断了我的沉思。“啊哈，这个估计可行。”
I tried to peer round at the screen.
我看了看屏幕。
"Just come in. This very minute. Care assistant position."
“这会儿刚刚进来，护理的职位。”
"I told you I was no good with --"
“我告诉过你我不擅长跟——”
"It's not old people. It's a… a private position. To help in someone's house, and the address is less than two miles from your home. "Care and companionship for a disabled man." Can you drive?"
“不是老年人。这是一个私人职位，在一户人家的家里工作，与你家相隔不到两英里，护理和陪伴一位残疾男士。你会开车吗？”
"Yes. But would I have to wipe his --"
“会。不过我是否需要擦他的——”
"No bottom wiping required, as far as I can tell." He scanned the screen. "He's a… a quadriplegic. He needs someone in the daylight hours to help feed and assist. Often in these jobs it's a case of being there when they want to go out somewhere, helping with basic stuff that they can't do themselves. Oh. It's good money. Quite a lot more than the minimum wage."
“据我所知，不需要擦屁股。”他扫了眼屏幕，“他……四肢瘫痪。他需要有人在白天喂他吃饭，提供协助。通常在这类工作中就是待在那里，他们要外出时，帮助做些他们自己没法做的简单工作。噢，报酬不错，比最低工资高出不少。”
"That's probably because it involves bottom wiping."
“那肯定是因为这份工作涉及擦洗屁股。”
"I'll ring them to confirm the absence of bottom wiping. But if that's the case, you'll go along for the interview?"
“我会打电话给他们确认这份工作里有没有这项业务。要是没有，你愿意去面试吗？”
He said it like it was a question.
他用的是问句。
But we both knew the answer.
但是我们都知道答案。
I sighed, and gathered up my bag ready for the trip home.
我叹了口气，收好我的包回家。
"Jesus Christ," said my father. "Can you imagine? If it wasn't punishment enough ending up in a ruddy wheelchair, then you get our Lou turning up to keep you company."
“天哪，”父亲说，“你能想象吗？那家伙自己遭天谴困在轮椅里还不够，还要我们家露去陪伴他！”
"Bernard!" my mother scolded.
“巴纳德。”母亲责骂道。
Behind me, Granddad was laughing into his mug of tea.
在我身后，外祖父冲着他的茶杯笑了笑。
