一周足球搞笑段子手：XJBT巴萨也能赢，枪手拔刺创经典

上周的国际赛场精彩看点层出不穷，意大利最终无缘世界杯，周末的联赛也是引人注目。阿森纳笑傲北伦敦德比，曼城、曼联、利物浦以及切尔西等球队也纷纷赢球。西甲赛场，巴萨继续高歌猛进，而万众瞩目的马德里德比则以平局收场。好了，话不多说，让我们快来看看歪果仁们的机智吐槽吧！

苏牙暴力鸟进球，巴萨3-0莱内加斯

Desderon(未知主队球迷)：万万没想到，暴力鸟这赛季的西甲进球数，已经和BBC的总和一样了…(Paulinho has as many goals in the league this season as the entire BBC. Absolutely incredible.)

MakLife(奥兰多城球迷)：帕科的速度，简直比中国的快递都要快呀！(Paco is even quicker than a Chinese delivery hahahahaha.)

DeezNuts0(未知主队球迷)：暴力鸟就像是一只饥饿的秃鹫一样：“嘿嘿，我今天可要杀死点什么了！”(Paulinho like a hungry vulture says 'to hell with that I'm gonna kill something)

注：Goat, 即great of all time, 历史最佳，本意为“山羊”

Indulgence(未知主队球迷)：苏牙的进球也许会迟到，但绝不会缺席。(Suarez’s goal may come late but it always come.)

K503(赫罗纳球迷)：现在我们可以说，苏亚雷斯就是乌拉圭暴力鸟了！(We can see Suarez is looking like the Uruguayan Paulinho now.)

互交白卷，皇马0-0马竞

pdvu21(皇马球迷)：C罗这赛季的西甲进球数，比和我嘿咻过的妹子正好多了1个。(Ronaldo has scored 1 more league goals this season than women I have slept with.)

Cocoa(皇马球迷)：在前几年这句话绝对是炫耀，而现在我就只能同情你了…(What you said may make me jealous before this year, but now I’m sorry about that.)

(图)：到底哪一张是原图...

ElViejoHG(皇马球迷)：科雷亚努力地去射门，结果打飞机了；后来又想把球踢出边线，结果却正好踢到本泽马脸上去了…(Correa tries to score and sends the ball meters wide, tries to send it out and hits benzema in the face.)

激战北伦敦，阿森纳2-0热刺

Archaeologik(热刺球迷)：我们这是在下一步大棋，时不时的就得XJBT一次，好让皇马巴萨对我们的球员失去兴趣才行…(We are playing 4D chess. Every now and then we have to put in one of these performances so that Real and Barcelona lose interest.)

yung_scott(未知球队球迷)：热刺球迷大可哭哭啼啼抱怨俩球是越位，但你们的表现确实比不上阿森纳啊！(You spurs fans can cry and moan all about those two goals being offside but your team just didn't show up today.)

Thunder23(阿森纳球迷)：这不是我上周曼城说我们的么…(It sounfs like what city fans said to us last week.)

Heroicxpharaoh(皇马球迷)：我的狗狗7年前去世了，现在我把它再从坟墓里找回来，它也会成为一个比麦克-迪恩更好的裁判。(My dog died 7 years ago, I could bring him back from the grave and he'd be a better ref than Mike fucking Dean.)

Eurighot(阿森纳球迷)：桑切斯进球后的跳水庆祝，麦克-迪恩竟然没判他假摔？(WTF, Dean didn’t even give Sanchez a yellow foe diving after scoring.)

drizzt001(爱尔兰球迷)：两队球迷都会觉得麦克-迪恩是对方派来的卧底吧…(Supporters of both teams claiming Mike Dean supports the other side.)

REDxSAM(阿森纳球迷)：人们都去关注拉卡泽特的转会了，殊不知我们今年的最佳签约其实是裁判啊！(People were so focused on us signing Lacazette they didn't notice our star signing the assist Referee.)

rompskee(阿森纳球迷)：为扎卡打call！德比战得了黄牌1个小时竟然都没罚下…(Shout out to Xhaka for going an hour with a yellow in a derby and not getting sent off.)

chammyman(热刺球迷)：在过去86次客场踢阿森纳、曼联、利物浦和切尔西的比赛，热刺总共才赢了4次…(Spurs have won 4 of their last 86 games away to Arsenal, Manchester United, Liverpool and Chelsea.)

Raptors2012(国际米兰球迷)：如果说阿森纳和热刺还有一点共识的话，那就是麦克-迪恩就是一坨翔吧…(If there is one thing Arsenal and Tottenham fans can agree on, its that Mike Dean is a cunt.)

Giggitygigg(阿森纳球迷)：不过今天不是…(But not today.)

萨拉赫进球，利物浦3-0南安普顿

Fambam(利物浦球迷)：萨拉赫，我真是爱死你了！(انا احبك يا محمد صلاح.)

FrankBeamer(利物浦球迷)：可以，这很清真。(Absolutely halal.)

_cumblast_(利物浦球迷)：梅西也不过是阿根廷萨拉赫而已！(Messi is just an Argentinian Salah.)

graveyeverton93(埃弗顿球迷)：利物浦这一个引援，就已经超过我们28个引援总和了…(Liverpool's one signing is better than all of our 28 signings combined...)

Bridgeorl(利物浦球迷)：现在罗马是我的第二主队了，感谢老铁送的萨拉赫！(Roma is now my 2nd favourite team for giving us this wonderful player)

Notsospecial(国际米兰球迷)：那你的第一主队得是国米或南安普顿了吧…  (I'm guessing Inter or Southampton is your fav? :(

Backseatsman(利物浦球迷)：自从苏亚雷斯走了之后，还没有利物浦球员能一个赛季进14个球呢，而现在才11月，萨拉赫就达到这个数字了…(Since Luis Suarez left, no Liverpool player has scored more than 14 goals in a season. Mo Salah now has 14 and it's only November.)

Koppite93(利物浦球迷)：那我是该高兴还是难过呢…(Should I regard it a depressing or uplifting fact?)

SeayeLL(切尔西球迷)：你能想象有只球队竟然把萨拉赫和德布劳内都卖了，而且还总共就卖了3000万么…(Imagine having De Bruyne and Salah and just shipping them out for a combined amount of like 30 million.)

独孤求败，曼城2-0莱斯特城

BastillianFig(莱斯特城球迷)：说实话没输成0-7，我觉得挺知足了…(oh well at least it wasn't 7-0 or something onwards, it’s acceptable.)

Odemdemz98(曼联球迷)：有谁能告诉我怎么才能不去看曼城的比赛么？我的心脏真是越来越不好了…(Can someone tell me how to stop watching City games? It's not good for my heart.)

Commando(国际米兰球迷)：卧槽，看曼城比赛的快感简直就像嘿咻一样，丁丁我要给你生孩子！(Holy fuck. Watching City is such a treat like orgasm. KdB have my children.)

Dbrodes(未知主队球迷)：才11月，丁丁就已经预定英超赛季最佳球员了！(KDB is the PFA Player of the Year, calling it in November.)

博格巴回归，曼联4-1逆转纽卡

ShamWowGod(阿森纳球迷)：卢卡库这射门简直就像玩FIFA时按键过猛了一样，门将要是扑的话恐怕要折断手指啦！(If the keeper got a hand on Lukaku’s shot he would have broke his fingers. It’s like when you press the shoot button too hard on FIFA.) 

(图)：有博格巴的穆帅VS没有博格巴的穆帅

Zulucrackers(皇马球迷)：伊布对卢卡库说，现在爸爸回来了，你去踢边路！(Zlatan to Lukaku:"Daddy's refreshed now. Go play right wing.")

TheLifeofSonny(曼联球迷)：要是博格巴和伊布再受伤了，我甘愿把我的胳膊腿和器官都捐给他们…(I'm willing to donate my limbs and organs to Pogba and Zlatan if future injuries occur.)

(图)：有博格巴的曼联VS没有博格巴的曼联

莫拉塔阿扎尔建功，切尔西4-0西布朗

Azpi_to_Morata(切尔西球迷)：我们现在是曼城了吗…(Are we city now?)

Zhivagoo(切尔西球迷)：每当莫拉塔进球的时候，我自杀的几率就会增加15%...(Everytime i see Morata score my suicidal thoughts increase by 15%)

ExFavillaResurgemos(切尔西球迷)：他都进了8个球了兄弟，你还活着么…(Holy crap he's scored 8 so far... How are you alive?)

(图)：莫拉塔的妻子，就是曾经要他签名的小迷妹哦！

遗憾出局，意大利无缘世界杯

Qiluk(瑞典球迷)：当意大利球迷嘘我们的国歌的时候，布冯向我们鼓掌致意。这个男人，永远值得尊敬。(Buffon applauding our anthem while audience is booing. The man deserves respect for ever.)

Vieri(维埃里本人)：美国不去世界杯也没啥问题，他们还有篮球橄榄球。可意大利除了足球，就只有意大利面了吧… (If the USA doesn't qualify it's OK, they have NBA & NFL. Italy only has soccer & spaghetti.)

OraleAmigo(拜仁球迷)：我的天…瑞典真是踩着两大欧洲豪强进的世界杯啊，真是不容易。(Fucking hell. Sweden managed to make two European juggernauts not qualify. Props to them.)

SengaHill(未知主队球迷)：荷兰恐怕有99%的原因是自己作死吧…(Netherlands did 99 % of the not qualifying work themselves.)

LeFricadelle(朝鲜球迷)：现在天敌都没了，谁还能阻挡德国呢？(Without its natural predator, who will be able to stop Germany?)

Axellio(俄罗斯球迷)：德国在俄罗斯吃败仗，也不是没有过先例…(It wouldn't be the first time for Germany to lose the battle in Russia)

_xidada_(德国球迷)：起码这次没有意大利这个猪队友了…(but this time fucking italy wont be involved.)

GGABueno(美国球迷)：哈哈，这次美国也不会插手啦！(And the US. lol)

Phenixxy(英格兰球迷)：我敢打赌，英格兰也不会参战太久的…(I bet England won't be involved very long either.)

(图)：世界杯的球赛，总是很好看的

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