靈性家排手記一

靈性家排手記一

2017年一月，我第一次來到源頭，向伯特和索菲海靈格直接學習。在此之前，我跟一位美國老師完成了為期一年的家排體驗課程，又連續參加過幾個不同的美國和德國訓練營和工作坊。第一次的感覺，的確就像課簡介中形容索菲的那樣: 像是一場地震。索菲的清晰和直接，是我從未見過的，當我在台下看著她給一個女孩子做排列，看著她一次又一次堅定地告訴這個女孩: “睜開你的眼睛”，”站起來”，”不要再哭了”，我的心中一方面受到強烈而直接的震撼，另一方面，頭腦又完全不敢相信，真的有人這樣做排列嗎?! 下課後，我吐著舌頭對同學形容，這簡直像是天打雷劈。

January 2017, I went to the source for the first time, to learn directly from Bert and Sophie Hellinger. Before that, I followed an American teacher and completed a year-long family constellation immersion program. Then I participated in several different training and workshops in United States and Germany. How I felt the first time was just like how Sophie was depicted in the course description: It’s like an earthquake. I have never seen clarity and straightforwardness like Sohpie did it before. When I watched her setting up a constellation for a young woman, I saw her telling this woman over and over again, firmly, “Open your eyes”, “Stand up”, “Stop crying.” On one hand, I felt the shock hitting me directly to my heart. On the other hand, I couldn’t believe in my mind “Can someone really constellate this way?” After the class, I stuck out my tongue and told a classmate that this was like being struck by lightening. 

然而，這也是我第一次和一大群中國人一起上課，除了老師給我震撼，同學給我的震撼也不少。中國同學有很多習慣，當時我也是很難適應的。例如: 熱烈地鼓掌一小時，大動作地對老師鞠躬，諸如此類在我看來過於誇張的舉動，令我對整個課程充滿戒心。我無法判斷，我所看到的到底是真的，還是人們自我催眠所造成的? 我能信任這些老師嗎？換作是美國人，加拿大人或是來自其他國家的人，伯特和索菲能這樣做嗎? 能得到這樣的掌聲嗎? 我心中有一個大問號: 一個由出過希特勒的國家出身的老師，和一群來自臣服於毛澤東的國度的學生，我能信任這樣的組合嗎?

However, this was also my first time to attend workshops with a big group of Chinese. Besides the shock from the teachers, there was no shortage of shocking from my classmates. Many habits of my Chinese classmates were hard for me to adapt. For example, clapping feverishly for an hour, and exaggerated bowing to the teachers. Such acts seemed over the top to me and kept my defence up towards the entire training. I could not decide if what I saw was real, or a result of people’s self-hypnosis. Could I trust these teachers? Would they get away with Americans, Canadians or people from other countries? Would they get the same kind of applause? Inside, I had a big question mark: Could I trust the combination of a teacher of the country where Hitler was born, and a group of students from the nation that was brought down to its knees by Chairman Mao?   

一月，我帶著這個懷疑回家。四月，經過許多掙扎，我帶著這個懷疑和比我懷疑一百倍的老公再度前來。

就像是要解答我的疑問，四月分的參與者，接二連三地對索菲提出了不同的挑戰，這些挑戰，使我看到索菲的力量，看到她在真實的情境中親身示範她的教導，使我相信一月看到的人們對她的反應並不只是造神運動的結果，我不只見識到索菲的百煉鋼，也折服於她的繞指柔。

January, I went home with this doubt. April, I came again after much struggle, along with the same doubt and my husband who had a hundred times more skepticism than me.

Just like to answer my question, the participants in April challenged Sophie from different angles one after another. These challenges gave me the chance to see her power, and to see her live what she teaches in real time. What I saw made me believe that the reaction people gave her in January was not only a result of god-making movement. I not only saw her strength that was like the iron lady, I also surrendered to her gentleness that was like a baby’s hair.

首先是我丈夫，他以一個加拿大人的身分，歐洲人的風度，以及對科學和民主的信仰， 拿出他做醫學院學生時的熱情，鍥而不捨地找索菲和其他所有他說得上話的人 (可憐的翻譯)，進行關於這是科學還是宗教的對話。有一天，他興奮地來告訴我，他去找索菲辯論，當時，索菲身後站著一名中國學員，看到他纒著索菲，在老師身後直對他搖手，示意他不要再講了。”像這樣!” 他興奮地比畫給我看，然後說，”我還需要其他的證明這是個宗教嗎？”

我明白他的意思。在他的思想觀念中的，凡是不允許公開討論和辯證的，就是不民主，不科學。這是他的角度，我並不全然反對，也不完全贊同。當時我的確想借他的角度來看看這些我無法理解的現象。話說回來，學生需要神明，並不代表老師需要學生把她當神明一樣供著，不能以個別學生的行為來論斷老師。另外，索菲並沒有拒絕和我丈夫說話，只是如果老師傳的道根本超越學生的理解方式，那麼再怎麼辯論也辯不出個所以然來，正所謂道可道，非常道，夏蟲不可以語冰也。

First was my husband. As a Canadian, he sought after Sophie and anyone he could talk to (the poor interpreter), with his European manner, his belief in science and democracy, and his passion back to his time in medical school, to discuss if this was science or religion. One day, he told me that he went to debate with Sophie. There was a Chinese student stood by behind Sophie. He saw my husband went after her, and he was gesturing to my husband with his hands that he should stop. “Like this!” He waved his hand to me with excitement. Then he said, “Do I need any other proof that this is a religion?”

I understood him. In his mind, anything that was not allowed to be discussed publicly and dialectically was non-democracy and non-science. This was his angle. I didn’t disagree, nor I agreed completely. At that time, I did want to borrow his angle to see the phenomenon that was beyond my comprehension. However, just because students want to worship their teacher like a god doesn’t mean that the teacher needs the students to do so. It is not fair to judge the teacher based on an individual student’s behaviour. Besides, Sophie never refused to talk to my husband. Like Lao Tzu said “Dao that can be spoken of is not the constant Dao.” There was also a Chinese saying: “One cannot describe ice to insects that only live in the summer heat.” If the way the teacher was showing fundamentally went beyond the way the student was accustomed to, more debate was not going to lead anywhere.     

接下來，我決定繼續上家排課程，而我丈夫去度假。課程第一天就發生了讓我相當吃驚的事。一個男同學公然打斷索菲，並且站起來，走到台中央，以肢體動作和言語，伸張他的”權利”，這是我第一次在類似的場合中看到如此囂張的行徑! 在此我無意批評什麼人，我想説的是發生在我自己身上的變化，我看到索菲從容面對這個挑戰，並且正色告訴所有的人，”這樣的行為完全沒有尊重”。我突然發現這是在說我! 我對我的公婆也是完全沒有尊重。那一剎那，我突然驚覺，我應該立即向我的公婆道歉。我想到，一月的課程結束後，我和丈夫談起課程中所見所聞和我的感想，其中一項就是或許我應該向他的父母道歉。但是我只是起了這個念頭，心中還是非常抗拒，反正他們不見我，我也見不到他們，就一直沒有採取行動。坐在那兒目睹的當下，我突然明白，見不到他們只是藉口，如果真的有誠意道歉，我可以在下次我丈夫和他父母通話的時候就道歉，甚至，不用等到他們通話，我可以寫信給他們。

休息時間索菲要我們做一些好事，我在餘震中回到房間，拿出iPad，開始打信給我公婆，但是那個靈光一現的領悟，在我回到房間時就消失了，等我開始打信，已經沒有了那樣強烈的感覺，我勉強打了個草稿，把在我回房間的路上所能想到的話記下來，但是我不想寄出去，於是就把草稿留在那裡。中午吃飯的時候，丈夫問我今天學了什麼，我說我寫了一點東西，他可以去iPad上看看。

The following days I decided to continue with the family constellation part, and my husband went on vacation. Something really surprised me happened on the first day. A student interrupted Sophie and stood up. He walked to the centre of the stage, and claimed his “right” with both his words and his body language. This was the first time I saw such arrogance in a similar setting. I have no intention of criticizing anyone here. What I would like to say was the change happened inside of me. I saw how Sophie handled the situation with composure. She solemnly told everyone that there was no respect in such behaviour. Suddenly I felt that she was talking about me! I had no respect towards my husband’s parents. In that instance, I realized that I should apologize to my husband’s parents immediately. Thoughts flashed through my mind. I remembered that I was talking to my husband about the training in January and what came to me after. One of them was that perhaps I should apologize to his parents. However, it was just a thought. I was still very reluctant. Since they refused to see me and I didn’t see them, I didn’t do anything about it. At the moment of witnessing what happened in front of my eyes, I suddenly became aware that it was just an excuse. If I really wanted to apologize, I didn’t have to wait until I saw them. I could apologize the next time my husband talk to them on Skype. More so, I didn’t have to wait until they talk, I could write to them.     

Sophie wanted us to do something good during the break. I went back to my room in the after shock. I took out my iPad and started typing an email to my parents in-law. However, the instant realization was gone by the time I got back to my room. The strong feeling disappeared by the time I started typing. I drafted up an email half-heartedly, just to record the words I thought of on my way to the room. I didn’t want to send the email, so I just left it there. During lunch, my husband asked me what I had learnt. I told him that I wrote something and he could look at it in the iPad.

如果說第一天發生的事令人吃驚，接下來三天所發生的事大概可以用驚心動魄，毛骨悚然來形容。每一個排列，都是一個大移動中的一部分，能量不斷累積，場域越來越強，人們內心積壓的渴望、恐懼、和瘋狂不斷出現，一個又一個，一波又一波，時而如冤魂不滅，時而如厲鬼上身，這些渴望被看見渴望被愛的逝者們活在每一個人身上，與每一個渴望被看見被擁抱被愛的靈魂發生共鳴，不分國籍，不分台上台下，他們瘋了，被附身了。靈魂現身，哭泣，又安息了。到後來，再分不清誰是受害者，誰是加害者，也分不清誰是誰的幻影，還是誰的真實。索菲在這一切瘋狂之中，保持清晰，始終筆直地站著，沒有憤怒，只有力量；沒有憎惡，只有慈悲。

If what happened on the first day was surprising, might I describe the next 3 days as heart-pounding, bone-chilling and soul-moving. Every constellation was a part of a big movement. Energy kept building up. The field became stronger and stronger. The longings, fears and craziness that had been long repressed showed up relentlessly. One after another, liked the waves, the innocent demanded just, and the deceased came back. The deceased lived on in everyone’s body. They longed to be seen and to be loved, and every soul who longed to be seen, to be hugged and to be loved resonated with them. The boundary of nationalities blurred and the stage disappeared. People had gone mad, more accurately, possessed. Souls appeared, cried for help, and put to rest. At last, one could no longer tell who the victims were and who the perpetrators. Neither could one say what was whose illusion or whose reality it was. Sophie stood amongst all these craziness, kept her clarity, and her back straight. No anger, only power; no disgust, only compassion. 

從奧地利回家之後，我們夫妻對坐吃午飯，丈夫突然問我，那封信你打算什麼時候寄出去？我不加思索地回答，今天就可以寄出去。我們繼續吃午餐，過了一會兒，丈夫突然說，有一件事不太好。我有點兒緊張，問他是什麼事？他微笑著說，我可能非得向索菲說謝謝了！說完我們相視大笑。

After we came home from Austria, my husband and I sat to have lunch. He asked me out of the blue “When are you going to send the letter?” Without hesitation, I answered “I can send it today.” We continued to have lunch. After a while, he suddenly said “There is one thing that’s bad.” I was a bit nervous and asked “What is it?” He said with a smile “I might have to say thank you to Sophie now!” We broke into laughters for a long time after.