精力管理中的人际关系
你好，欢迎你的到来。我是凤超，你身边的高效人生教练，学好时间管理和精力管理，过超然人生！
Relationships are one of the most powerful potential sources of emotional renewal. For years, Roger had thought of Rachel as both his lover and his best friend. Now, with so little time together, the feeling of romance and intimacy seemed like a distant memory and sex had become much less frequent. Their relationship was increasingly transactional. Conversations focused largely on household logistics and negotiations—who was going to pick up the dry cleaning or the takeout dinner, which kid needed a ride to which after-school activity. They spent very little time talking with each other about what was really going on in their lives.
人际关系是情感恢复的最强大的动力源之一。数年来Roger一直把 Rachel当作爱人和最好的朋友。现在因为在一起的时间减少，浪漫的感觉和亲密关系也逐渐遥远，性生活也大大减少。两人的关系越来越公事公办，谈话也是主要围绕家庭事务和条件谈判——谁去去干洗衣物或者取外卖，谁去供孩子参加课外活动。他们很少花时间交流生活中正在发生的事情。
我的思考My Thinking
人际关系是我的核心价值观之一。
Relationship is one of my core values.
哈佛大学的一个75年的研究结论是，幸福人生是建立在良好的人际关系上的。
A 75-year study from Harvard Universitiy concludes, Happiness is based on Good Relationship.
主要的3个观点：Three Main Learnings:
1.社会连结真的对我们有益，而孤独却有害。
Social connections are really good for us, and that loneliness kills.
2.起决定作用的不是你拥有的朋友的数量，不是你是否在一段稳定的亲密关系中，而是你的亲密关系的质量。
Quality of close relationships matters not quantitiy or whether to have a committed relationship.
3.良好的关系不仅只是保护我们的身体，也能保护我们的大脑。
Good relationships don't just protect our bodies, they protect our brains.
Robert Waldinger|
[What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness]
What keeps us healthy and happy as we go through life? If you were going to invest now in your future best self, where would you put your time and your energy? There was a recent survey of millennials asking them what their most important life goals were, and over 80 percent said that a major life goal for them was to get rich. And another 50 percent of those same young adults said that another major life goal was to become famous.
生命进程中，是什么让我们保持健康和幸福？如果你现在开始着手规划未来最好的人生，你会把时间和精力花在哪里？回答有很多种，我们已经被无以计数的有关生活中最重要事物的图景轰炸了。媒体上充斥着那些富有、高声望、建立起自己事业帝国的成功人士故事。并且我们对这些故事坚信不疑。有个最新的调查询问千禧年的年轻人，他们最重要的人生目标有哪些。超过80%的人说，他们主要的生活目标是要变富有。这群年轻人中，还有50%说他们另一个主要生活目标是成名。
Money
And we're constantly told to lean in to work, to push harder and achieve more. We're given the impression that these are the things that we need to go after in order to have a good life. Pictures of entire lives, of the choices that people make and how those choices work out for them, those pictures are almost impossible to get. Most of what we know about human life we know from asking people to remember the past, and as we know, hindsight is anything but 20/20. We forget vast amounts of what happens to us in life, and sometimes memory is downright creative.
我们总是被告诫要投入工作，努力奋斗，完成更多。我们似乎觉得要生活得更好，这些就是我们需要追求的。可事实真是这样吗？回顾整个生命历程，人一生中所做的选择以及这些选择怎样影响他们，我们几乎无从得知。我们对于人生绝大多数的理解是从他人的回忆中获得的。我们知道人是不可能有完整清楚的记忆的。我们生命中大部分发生过的事情我们都遗忘了，有时记忆太具有创造性（而不可靠）。
image.png
But what if we could watch entire lives as they unfold through time? What if we could study people from the time that they were teenagers all the way into old age to see what really keeps people happy and healthy?
但要是我们能够观察整个人生呢？要是我们能从人们青少年时期一直追踪到老年，不断去观察到底什么才是真正能够帮助人们保持幸福、健康的东西呢？
We did that. The Harvard Study of Adult Development may be the longest study of adult life that's ever been done. For 75 years, we've tracked the lives of 724 men, year after year, asking about their work, their home lives, their health, and of course asking all along the way without knowing how their life stories were going to turn out.
我们已经做到了。哈佛成人发展研究可能是目前有关成年人生活研究中历时最长的。75年间，我们追踪了724位男性。年复一年，我们询问他们的工作、家庭生活、他们的健康状况，当然我们在询问过程中并不知道他们的人生将会怎样。
Studies like this are exceedingly rare. Almost all projects of this kind fall apart within a decade because too many people drop out of the study, or funding for the research dries up, or the researchers get distracted, or they die, and nobody moves the ball further down the field. But through a combination of luck and the persistence of several generations of researchers, this study has survived. About 60 of our original 724 men are still alive, still participating in the study, most of them in their 90s. And we are now beginning to study the more than 2,000 children of these men. And I'm the fourth director of the study.
这样的研究极为稀少。几乎所有类似的研究都在10年内流产了，原因可能是失访率太高，或者没有足够的经费支撑，或者研究者兴趣点转移或去世以后没有其他人接手。但是多亏了运气以及几代研究者的坚持，这项研究成活下来了。 在最早的724名男性中，大约有60位还在世，并继续参与这项研究，他们绝大多数都已经超过90岁了。现在我们正开始研究他们总数超过2000个的孩子们。而我是这项研究的第四任领导者。
Since 1938, we've tracked the lives of two groups of men. The first group started in the study when they were sophomores at Harvard College. They all finished college during World War II, and then most went off to serve in the war. And the second group that we've followed was a group of boys from Boston's poorest neighborhoods, boys who were chosen for the study specifically because they were from some of the most troubled and disadvantaged families in the Boston of the 1930s. Most lived in tenements, many without hot and cold running water.
从1938年起，我们追踪了2组男性。第一组在加入研究时还是哈佛大学大二的学生。他们都在第二次世界大战期间完成大学学业并且绝大多数毕业后去服务战争了。 另外一组我们追踪的群体是波士顿最贫穷地区的男孩。正是因为他们来自于20世纪30年代波士顿麻烦最多、最底层的家庭，才被选入我们的研究。多数人都住在出租屋里，许多甚至没有热的或冷的自来水。
When they entered the study, all of these teenagers were interviewed. They were given medical exams. We went to their homes and we interviewed their parents. And then these teenagers grew up into adults who entered all walks of life. They became factory workers and lawyers and bricklayers and doctors, one President of the United States. Some developed alcoholism. A few developed schizophrenia. Some climbed the social ladder from the bottom all the way to the very top, and some made that journey in the opposite direction.
当他们入选研究之后，所有的青少年都接受面谈和医学检查。我们去他们家里与他们的父母进行访谈。 后来这群青少年长大成人后进入社会各行各业。有的成了工厂工人，成了律师、泥瓦匠、医生，有一位成为美国总统，有的成了酒精成瘾者，有的患上精神分裂症，有的从社会底层一路爬升到上流社会，而一些人却沿着相反的方向走过这段人生旅程。
The founders of this study would never in their wildest dreams have imagined that I would be standing here today, 75 years later, telling you that the study still continues. Every two years, our patient and dedicated research staff calls up our men and asks them if we can send them yet one more set of questions about their lives.
这项研究的发起者无论如何也不可能想到75年之后我能够站在这里，告诉你们这项研究仍然在继续。每隔两年，我们充满耐心和辛勤的研究人员打电话给我们的研究对象，询问是否能够再寄给他们一套有关他们生活的问卷。
Many of the inner city Boston men ask us, "Why do you keep wanting to study me? My life just isn't that interesting." The Harvard men never ask that question.
To get the clearest picture of these lives, we don't just send them questionnaires. We interview them in their living rooms. We get their medical records from their doctors. We draw their blood, we scan their brains, we talk to their children. We videotape them talking with their wives about their deepest concerns. And when, about a decade ago, we finally asked the wives if they would join us as members of the study, many of the women said, "You know, it's about time."
波士顿城郊的许多研究对象问我们：“你们怎么总是不断地想要研究我？我的生活没什么意思啊。”而哈佛的毕业生从没问过这个问题。
为了得到他们人生最清晰的画面，我们不仅仅只是寄给他们问卷。我们在他们的客厅里对他们进行访谈。我们从他们的医生那里获取医疗记录。我们获取他们的血样，扫描他们的大脑。我们和他们的孩子们交谈。我们用摄像机记录他们和自己的妻子谈论最隐秘的担忧。大概十年前，我们终于询问他们的妻子们，是否愿意作为研究对象加入我们的研究。很多女士都说：“你知道，是时候了。”
So what have we learned? What are the lessons that come from the tens of thousands of pages of information that we've generated on these lives? Well, the lessons aren't about wealth or fame or working harder and harder. The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.
那么我们学到了什么？我们从这些人生活中提取出来的数千页的信息到底教会我们什么？其实，完全无关财富、名声或者拼命工作。我们从这项长达75年的研究中得到的最清晰的信息是：良好的关系让我们更快乐，更健康。就这样！
We've learned three big lessons about relationships. The first is that social connections are really good for us, and that loneliness kills. It turns out that people who are more socially connected to family, to friends, to community, are happier, they're physically healthier, and they live longer than people who are less well connected. And the experience of loneliness turns out to be toxic. People who are more isolated than they want to be from others find that they are less happy, their health declines earlier in midlife, their brain functioning declines sooner and they live shorter lives than people who are not lonely. And the sad fact is that at any given time, more than one in five Americans will report that they're lonely.
对于关系，我们学到了三条。第一条是，社会连结真的对我们有益，而孤独却有害。事实证明，和家庭、朋友和周围人群连结更紧密的人更幸福。他们身体更健康，他们也比连结不甚紧密的人活得更长。而孤单的体验是有害的。和不孤独的人相比，那些比自己所希望的样子更孤单的人觉得自己更不幸福，他们到中年时健康状况退化地更快，他们的大脑功能衰退更早，而且他们的寿命更短。令人遗憾的是，任何一个时刻，每5个美国人中就有不只1个说自己孤独。
image.png
And we know that you can be lonely in a crowd and you can be lonely in a marriage, so the second big lesson that we learned is that it's not just the number of friends you have, and it's not whether or not you're in a committed relationship, but it's the quality of your close relationships that matters. It turns out that living in the midst of conflict is really bad for our health. High-conflict marriages, for example, without much affection, turn out to be very bad for our health, perhaps worse than getting divorced. And living in the midst of good, warm relationships is protective.
我们知道，在人群中你也可能感到孤独，在婚姻中你也可能感到孤独。所以我们学到的第二条是，起决定作用的不是你拥有朋友的数量，也不是你是否有一段稳定的亲密关系，而是你的亲密关系的质量。事实证明，处于冲突之中真的对我们的健康有害。举个例子，充满冲突而没有感情的婚姻，对我们的健康非常不利，甚至有可能比离婚还糟。而生活在良好、温暖的关系中是有保护作用的。
Once we had followed our men all the way into their 80s, we wanted to look back at them at midlife and to see if we could predict who was going to grow into a happy, healthy octogenarian and who wasn't. And when we gathered together everything we knew about them at age 50, it wasn't their middle age cholesterol levels that predicted how they were going to grow old. It was how satisfied they were in their relationships. The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80. And good, close relationships seem to buffer us from some of the slings and arrows of getting old. Our most happily partnered men and women reported, in their 80s, that on the days when they had more physical pain, their mood stayed just as happy. But the people who were in unhappy relationships, on the days when they reported more physical pain, it was magnified by more emotional pain.
当我们追踪我们的研究对象到他们的80岁之后，我们希望回顾他们的中年生活，来看看我们是否能在那时预测谁会享有幸福健康的晚年，谁不会。当我们把所有有关他们50岁的信息都整合起来之后，发现能够预测他们晚年生活（是否幸福）的不是他们的中年胆固醇水平，而是他们对所在亲密关系的满意程度。50岁时对自己的亲密关系最满意的人，80岁时最健康。而良好、亲密的关系似乎能缓冲我们在衰老过程中遇到的坎坷。 我们生活的最幸福的伴侣，无论男女，在他们80岁之后都说，当他们感到更多躯体疼痛时，他们的心情依然快乐。而那些处于不幸关系中的人，当他们感受到更多躯体疼痛时，这些疼痛被增加的情感痛苦给放大了。
And the third big lesson that we learned about relationships and our health is that good relationships don't just protect our bodies, they protect our brains.
It turns out that being in a securely attached relationship to another person in your 80s is protective, that the people who are in relationships where they really feel they can count on the other person in times of need, those people's memories stay sharper longer. And the people in relationships where they feel they really can't count on the other one, those are the people who experience earlier memory decline. And those good relationships, they don't have to be smooth all the time. Some of our octogenarian couples could bicker with each other day in and day out, but as long as they felt that they could really count on the other when the going got tough, those arguments didn't take a toll on their memories.
第三条我们学到的关于关系对我们健康的影响是，良好的关系不仅只是保护我们的身体，也能保护我们的大脑。
研究表明，在80岁之后依然处在对另一个人安全依恋关系中是有保护性的。在关系中真的感到自己能在需要时可以依赖另一个人的人们，他们的保持清晰记忆力的时间更长。而感到自己在关系中真的无法依赖另一个人的人群，他们将更早出现记忆力衰退。那些良好的关系并不一定要一直保持和谐，一些 80-89 岁老年夫妇，他们可能一天到晚都在吵架。但只要他们感到自己真的能在困难时刻可以依赖对方时，他们根本就不会记得那些争吵了。
So this message, that good, close relationships are good for our health and well-being, this is wisdom that's as old as the hills. Why is this so hard to get and so easy to ignore? Well, we're human. What we'd really like is a quick fix, something we can get that'll make our lives good and keep them that way. Relationships are messy and they're complicated and the hard work of tending to family and friends, it's not sexy or glamorous. It's also lifelong. It never ends. The people in our 75-year study who were the happiest in retirement were the people who had actively worked to replace workmates with new playmates. Just like the millennials in that recent survey, many of our men when they were starting out as young adults really believed that fame and wealth and high achievement were what they needed to go after to have a good life. But over and over, over these 75 years, our study has shown that the people who fared the best were the people who leaned in to relationships, with family, with friends, with community.
所以我们学到的是，良好、亲密的关系有利于我们的健康和幸福的状态，这是古老的智慧。为什么明白这个道理这么难，忽略却很容易呢？是啊，我们是人啊。我们真正喜欢的是快速解决方案，一种我们能得到的又能让我们生活得好并且一直保持下去的东西。人际关系却很错综复杂，照顾家人和朋友是繁重的工作，一点也不性感也不光芒万丈，反而是终生的，绝无尽头。
在我们的75年研究中拥有最幸福退休生活的人是那些主动寻找玩伴来替代同事的人。正如最近调查中的年轻人一样，我们的研究对象中很多人在一开始还是青年的时候，真的相信声望、财富以及突出成就是他们想要生活得更好就必须追求的。但随着时间的流逝，在这75年间，我们的研究显示：发展得最好的人是那些把精力投入关系，尤其是家人、朋友和周围人群的人。
So what about you? Let's say you're 25, or you're 40, or you're 60. What might leaning in to relationships even look like?
Well, the possibilities are practically endless. It might be something as simple as replacing screen time with people time or livening up a stale relationship by doing something new together, long walks or date nights, or reaching out to that family member who you haven't spoken to in years, because those all-too-common family feuds take a terrible toll on the people who hold the grudges.
那么你们呢？假如你们今年25，或者你们40，或者你们60岁。投入关系对你们来说是什么样的？
可能性实际上是无限的。也许是简单到把和屏幕打交道的时间来和人交往，或者通过一起做点什么新鲜事，比如散步或者约会，或者联系那个多年来不曾说过话的人，来点亮一段死气沉沉的关系。因为这些看上去很平常的家庭不和（鸡毛蒜皮）会造成严重后果，尤其对那些总把小别扭（怨恨）放心里的人。
I'd like to close with a quote from Mark Twain. More than a century ago, he was looking back on his life, and he wrote this: "There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that."
我想用马克吐温的另一条名言来结束。一百多年前，当他回顾自己的一生时，他写下了，“生命如此短暂，我们没有时间争吵、道歉、伤心。我们只有时间去爱。”
The good life is built with good relationships. Thank you.
所以说，幸福人生是建立在良好的人际关系上的。谢谢大家！
注：演讲人罗伯特.瓦尔丁格教授是哈佛大学医学院麻省总医院（MGH）精神科医师、精神分析治疗师。作为著名的成人发展研究所第四任所长，正在继续其前面三任自1940年以来一直进行的两项精神医学领域最负盛名的“人生全程心理健康研究”，一项是“哈佛精英研究”，另一项是“波士顿背街男孩研究”。在过去的75年里，从这两个项目产生了大量的学术论文、书籍，许多成果影响了精神医学、心理治疗的理论与实践。 在这个TED-X演讲里，罗伯特聚焦于所有人都关心的“什么是美好人生？”这个问题，用两个长达75年的纵向随访研究的成果，强调构成美好生活的最重要因素并非富有、成功，而是良好的心身健康及温暖、和谐、亲密的人际关系。
这两个研究项目的受试里，罗伯特提到，有一位后来成为美国总统的人。他出于医师、科学家的伦理操守而没有提其名，但有心人其实可以查到，1941年在哈佛读二年级的总统是哪一位。除了这位大人物，还有四位参议员、四位进过内阁的人。
一本已经被翻译为中文的书——《怎样适应生活》。近期他出版了《Triumphs of Experience》。看完这个演讲觉得不过瘾的人可以去读这本书！
