第二节父母的教养方式ParentingStyles

Communication as a two-way process

Parenting styles-Passive，Aggressive，Assertive（被动的专制型的和权威型的）

父母的教养方式取决于父母如何与孩子沟通，如何建立规则和提出期望，如何关心爱护孩子，以及出现问题时人如何与孩子沟通。Parenting styles are based on how we communicate with our children and how we establish rules and expectations，how we care and love for them，and how we communicate when things go wrong.

沟通，70%以上都是非语言沟通。

Over 70% of communication is non-verbal.

Think back: How did you know when your toddler was angry or happy?

Think about their:

body language（stamping their feet，threwing themselves on the floor，pulling and holding on to you）

gesturing and pointing

facial expression（screwed up face）

tone of voice（screaming or shouting）

－－these were their communication

—Do as I say！

—Do what you want！

—Let's talk about it. I am listening.

When you were a child，how did their response make you feel?

Who did you respect or who listened to you when you were young?

What did you like about them?

How did they make you feel?

Do you think your child would think this about you?

What qualities do you want for your child for the future?

Imagine you could pack a suitcase with all those qualities in it that you want for your child as an adult. What would you put in it?

And just think about that when you are responding to them，your parenting style will influence the kind of person your child grows up to be.

Passive parents，maybe called like Mr/Mrs Marshmallow parents. They give in demands，they slump their body language，they avoid eye contact，have a really quite voice. Their bodies are small and just give an air of not really interested and you can get away with what you like.

Assertive parents，is Mr/Mrs Firm and Friendly. They are respectful. Their body language is much open. They are prepared to say sorry. They might change their mind on something with more information. They are much more calm and you kind of predict a little bit more what's coming but also there much more approachable.

Aggressive parents，is more like a sergeant major. They probably like make their bodies big. They about and threaten more fingerpoint. They are holding on their hip. And not somebody you really want to approach want to ask a question about.

In fact we might all be a little bit of all of those parenting styles. And that can be the same even in one sentence. But think about what personality you use the most and will this parent install give you the personality of the child.

The sort of communication obviously has an effect on you and child.

If you can remain calm and positive and friendly that generally your child will have a higher self esteem. There are lots of positives. The correlate between your behaviour and your child's behavior.

Some STEPS to assertive communication：

Choose your battles

Keep out of the rain

Is it something that you need to take on we don't have to argue about everything？We don't have to pick up on everything that children do. Think about whether this particular thing is important or not，Know your outcome，Know what you want from your child when you ask them to do something. Is it kind of where there's a stage that they are. And try and keep calm.

Keep calm

Then it is much better more likely that your child will keep calm.

Give choices and consequences

That will keep you out of the rain as well. If you can give them a little bit of control and expect feelings and emotions to take up space and time.

We are all busy but children do come with feelings and emotions. And if we don't address them then we will end up with much more chaotic household and lifestyle. And it will probably take our time but just in a different way.

Look at I or You

When we’re using this in a sentence. The word You can be a lot more confrontational and generally upsets people puts people on the defense. If you can swap it around to say I instead of You It is less confrontational obviously and it helps you to explain and own your own feeling. If you say I this is something that nobody can take away from you. You may have a different opinion from somebody else but actually this is your opinion and your opinion is always valid.

Your opinion is always valid

Instead of saying "You did this. It is your fault" “You made me angry” You can say "I was upset when the dinner burned" or "My foot hurt when I trod on the lego”  It's a lot not confrontational and probably will keep your house karma.

Changing behavior is hard

Be patient  Practice

Persevere, keep going

If you hear yourself saying you just follow up with I. You will have to plant them.

We cannot change our children， however， we can change ourselves and the actions we take.

This is the only person we have power on is asked that.

And sometimes the behaviors that we change will have an effect on the people around us.

The children tend to do as we do rather than what we tell them to do. Be the role model for our children.