Eξ。 [南京]
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作家三毛曾说:“一个人至少拥有一个梦想,有一个理由去坚强。心若没有栖息的地方,到哪里都是在流浪。”
对我来说,无论过往经历过怎样的波折,遇见过怎样的人物,终究是过往云烟。而在未来的日子里,还会去经历生命的绚灿,人生的浮华,依旧要经得住诱惑,守得住孤独,抵得过繁华。
前阵子用了一个月的时间去旅行,直到这几日回到长沙,但这几日身体颇有些不适,或许是旅行过分奔波,而那夜在火车上穿着单薄不小心又着了凉。于是没有出门,整日寂坐在屋前,听歌,读诗,识字,赏曲。抬头看看天空,听听雨打黄昏的寂寞,日子到也清静。其实挺享受这种慢下来的节奏,用几日的光阴读本书,然后等一个晴天,去外面走走,拍拍图,领悟生命与生活的意义。
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这几日既喜欢上了古典诗词,开始接触起了唐诗宋词元曲。才明白自己才疏学浅,有些字还识不得,有些文还读不懂,有些人还猜不透,有些事还得去经历。其实我之前也想读一些古典诗词,只是人贵有自知之明,我深知自己还达不到那种领悟力,于是这最近一年阅读的书籍都是现代诗歌与散文,小说与某些名著。并不是说现代诗歌比不上古典诗词,而是古典诗词里面确实有太多生僻字,我还认不得,害怕自己在文学这条路上打退堂鼓,于是我才从最简单的现代文开始接触文字,就像一个出生的孩子,慢慢地成长,着急不得。
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两三天前,隔壁这栋一位四十六岁的中年妇女选择了从三十几楼跳下来,自杀身亡。那天下着大雨,雨水冲洗他苍白的尸体,从来没见过一个人死的那么惨,尸体扭曲的摆放在二楼的阳台上,双脚骨折,她就像一个鸡蛋一样从高处打到地面,摔得不成样子,她有死的勇气,我想我从来没有,曾经我也有过七年的磨难与抑郁症,也想过一死了之,但总归是想想,不敢去做。直到最近一个月我去了一趟远方的旅行,我遇见了不一样的风景和人物,了解了不同的人的生活与故事,我才渐渐从悲伤中走了出来。我的心态变了,人生观与爱情观与世界观都发生了天大的变化,我开始找回了自己,懂得了自己现在是谁,渴望怎样的未来,就像那句话“心若不死必向阳”。人生没有过不去的坎,过不去的坎是你的内心,当你清醒过来,明白自己是谁,在人世间有怎样的责任,你便开始了真正的生活,你开启了你人生的新篇章。
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在给自己放假的这段日子里,大部分人都会问我同样一个问题:“你找工作了吗?”。我都是回答:“不着急。”是的,我不着急,似乎那些看客比我还要着急。工作我是一定要找的,并且希望可以找到一份比较倾心的,能贴合自己性格,能有业余时间做文骚该做的那种喜欢的小事的。我不想像七年前一样盲目跟风选了专业,或者听了大人的忠告选择什么。对我来说,我人生最后悔最错误的选择就是七年前学了医,这是我不喜欢的,为此我付出了七年的代价,我并不快乐。我喜欢设计和读书,喜欢旅行和拍图,但是那些东西我只会把它们当业余爱好,我想我还是会尝试去做销售这类的工作吧。人呀,如果不在错误的路上前行,也算是一种进步吧。
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去了几个城市旅行,最喜欢的不是上海和北京,不是杭州与苏州,不是嘉兴市海宁市,不是张家界,而是南京。南京有我想去的“先锋书店”,有人潮涌动的湖光夜景,有好吃又便宜的美食,有美丽又安静的南京大学,那里的节奏最合适我,我不急不慢,游荡在那座陌生的城市,看那些风景。
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初到秦淮河,你会脑子里闪过朱自清的散文《桨声灯影里的秦淮河》。你读过的那些文字,如一串串美妙音符,随着风声,随着人浪,涌入你的心头。你会感激眼睛里看到的那片天,那片夜,那片繁华,那些曼妙的光景。唯一的不足就是人山人海,缺了一些朱自清文字里的寂静,而你又是如此渴望寂寥的女子。
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一个人去旅行总免不了爱上一些小物件。最近就颇爱明信片,各种各样的图案,各种花草树木。最近也爱情了旗袍和复古老照片,爱上了旧情歌。旅行,随便走走散散心,去哪里不重要,也无需结伴而行。一个人想去哪里,就去哪里。去哪里,带着一身好奇前去,回哪里,带回满心欢喜,何尝不是人生最得意?我们何必艳羡他人的生命,我们活得如此青葱,年少,唯美,孤傲。我们就在自己的圈子里,开花,结果,相爱,分离。他们经历他们的悲伤,我们经历我们的年岁,何尝不好?
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时间是无法描述与更改的深渊。你不停地从时间的表面往里掉,往下掉,你始终抓不到什么,除了往那个被命运设计好的深洞里不断落下,你根本做不了其他的改变,挣扎无用,抱怨无用,还不如在往下坠的时光里闭上眼睛,静默几秒,也许人生就是如此,在不小心睁眼闭眼之间,此生就过完了。
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人这一生何其短暂,有时候就像一场戏,剧本已定,恍恍惚惚戏已经过了四分之一,接下来的四分之三,是该好好表演一番,切记不要再带着面具,不要用那死尸似般僵硬的表情,该哭时哭,要笑时笑,好好的本色出演。剧中走心,剧散时,不后悔,不遗憾。
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(图片手机拍摄:南京。
我不写作,我只是像在记日记般记录自己的心与自己的小生活。闲来听听歌,胡胡扯。)