Why am I here, writing?
前几天和 George 偶聚，虽然为他高兴有新文发表在XX文学上，禁不住老伴在一边叨叨，谁看啊，还真把这当个事。
“婚姻最糟的地方就是为所欲为，还你拿我怎么办,” 到后院煎锅贴时他没来由感慨了一句。
“比起有的 relationship 就是没有 relation，又如何？” 我解嘲。
“生活就像一列火车。你上车了，遇到个人能说说笑笑。他要下车了，你也会下车。每个人都有他的时间。” 听得我一噎。后来细数文坛的空虚，突然就想起总还没空看 Munro。
* * *
从 Fremont 去 Hayward 路上经过三个墓地, 阳光下绿草鲜花也是风景。Justin popped out, " I want to live in the graveyard." Two older girls laughed, "you have plenty of time there after you die."
* * *
早上看着花瓶里的绣球花和红玫瑰发了回呆。送花的人一个告诉我孤独时翻看过世父亲的日记, “Up 7:40, shave and write till 8:23”, 除了找到自己当年几次探访的足迹，对那些一本一本日复一日离婚后单调生活记录的价值无法言说。"My dad even complained the $2.75 alimony he paid for 3 of us each month. His cottage worth $40K, not much left for my sisters, maybe just as emergency funds. I only took his diaries ... You know, I got transferred to sell VR chips, the least to my liking. It's incredible my boss can still say, sell more chips, sell more chips, after 35 years at Intel." We both laughed.
另一个说，虽然这个年纪脑子还是很清楚，总觉得对在数学上能做出什么事业不抱希望，"maybe I will devote my life to you, who knows." "That sounds fake." I kneejerked with a laugh, but felt the cold sound wave after it hit my brain. Actually I'm not certain he said that or not, when I reread what I wrote.
* * *
发完呆赶着奔去 CPR course ，讲师放着110 beats/min的 Bee Gees - Stayin' Alive ，学员们 busy pumping the manikin，no pulse, no breathing。意外地提前结束了课程，出门回到安安静静的家，孩子们还在山上玩，老板等我去工作，还有450份病历没写，我坐下来看完了一篇 Too Much Happiness，是一个俄国女数学家的故事。看到一半跳到 wiki 把背景人物温习过再来，文笔像水波像网一样点点滴滴丝丝入扣地把读者抓住，能深入一个人的心灵就有了广度，这功力。。。连流畅都达不到的作者读完估计像我一样，淌眼抹泪，尽量深呼吸。（对比之下，读完 wiki 那样的叙述文，哦，有这么个人，如此而已。）
"How then, without God, are we to get through this life?"
"There was a pulse in life. Her hope was that in this piece of writing she would discover what went on. Something underlying. Invented, but not." ― Munro, Too Much Happiness
* * *
I was very very sad waking up. Justin must have planted that seed.
In my dream he was stabbed by an rod to the ground, people surrounding him. I didn't know what happened. I stood at a distance, paralyzed, no screaming, no tears, and wanted to get out...
"The last few days we were together, camping, Justin and I had quite some alone time, while Lily was with the older girls. He was asking why Daddy and I were divorced and why we still live together. How he remembered living with Daddy alone when he was 4. How Daddy was always working and he was often so bored. Why I have to stay in Beijing, and the future, if Lily goes with me, he has to go with Daddy, he can take it, but he would rather live with me ..."
"Let them stay together. Take the pair or not at all." He said over wechat.
That brought an echo to the saddest moment days ago, when he admitted giving up bringing his two boys back. His boys chose to live with mom. "They will no longer be my boys."
* * *
"I may cry if you let me, and I think you would want to see me."
"Why do you want to cry?"
"Maybe I just crossed the hair line to be able to see meaning in the darker shades of life. "
"What did you see? :)"
"You will be fine. Love is more than lovers can see. I won't be mad when you say I go find someone else younger. "
* * *
作者会思虑万千的事一定是不要浪费读者的时间。门罗的这期作品集无不是生活琐事，可她送给读者的一定是勾起私人情感的回忆和惊奇。当她写一个妇女走进小镇无人光顾的服装店，试了两件裙子，就有几页纸的滔滔笔墨，可是渐到终篇，这个女人的形象会在脑海里挥之不去。当她描写对婚姻与婚外情艰难抉择时吝啬到只用几个词和几句自问自答，到最后孩子成年原不原谅离去的妈妈也好，始终没有对女人当时选择的批判。不再有安娜卡列琳娜的卧轨，是因为时代的火车已经无声无息碾过了无数人鲜活的生命。
"What does this page make you feel? I feel being striped off, observed, documented, as women of different ages."
"Without context I can't feel much. Mark Twain once said the difference between a novel and the reality is that the novel has to be believable."
"Sure. Fiction, a choice of medicine or anaesthetic, will be a kind of mutual truth between the writer and the reader."
* * *
I guess the years after 50+ will be the best years of my life, until my mind deteriorates. I wanted a wall of my bookshelves, and careless time, which I never had, in all the places I've lived, moving about every 3 or 4 years ... until then ... I put down Munro.
