6/12 面对逆境要严以律己吗？《Option B》笔记
严以律己宽以待人，是我们的传统价值观。但在面对逆境的时候，我们要恢复到正常的生活轨道时，这种方式只能起反作用。相反，自我怜惜 Self-compassion才是有效的手段。
自我怜惜
什么是自我怜惜？它与自怜 Self-pity 是不一样的，是自我批评、自我怒骂的反面。自我怜惜包含三个方面：
1- Self-kindness 自我善待
2- Common humanity （我翻译为：人生常态）
3- Mindfulness 正念内观（或元认知）
自我怜惜也就是善待自己、宽容自己，接受自己与普通人一样都会犯错和失败。在面对逆境时，我们应该宽容自己，我们要像宽慰朋友一样宽慰自己。面对自己的负面情绪，我们要有正念，不评判情绪的好坏，就只是平静的接受，或者让这些负面情绪穿过我们。那么，自我批评、自我辱骂则是自我怜惜的对立面。
通常，我们会把行为和个人品格联系在一起，继而形成了条件反射，当我们发现自己不良行为时，就会感到羞耻，及鄙视自己，会自己给自己扣上一个“品行低劣”的帽子。这种做法，非常不利于自信心的建立。我们要意识到，犯错并不代表我们就是个坏人（“doing a bad thing does not necessarily make us a bad person"）。
与其对自己的性格缺陷进行道德批评，还不如对自己的行为进行深刻反思，寻找深层的原因，想出对策，避免再次重蹈覆辙。有实验表明，道德批评只会让我们对自身的价值感越来越低，认为自己对社会毫无贡献、毫无价值，除了会采取盘旋而下的顾影自怜的消极行为外，还会出现逆反心理，甚至出现攻击行为。
而对行为进行深刻反思则不一样，它会让我们有”知错能改“的动力，让我们意识到人的“性本善”，我们之所以犯错，是因为各种主客观的因素的共同作用，而并非我本身的“顽劣”。要用成长型的开放心智模式来看待问题，而不要采用封闭型的。
以下是原文摘录：
Blaming our actions rather than our character allows us to feel guilt instead of shame....Although it can be hard to shake, guilt keeps us striving to improve. People become motivated to repair the wrongs of their past and make better choices in the future. ......Shame has the opposite effect: it makes people feel small and worthless, leading them to attack in anger or shrink away in self-pity.
所以，在面对逆境的时候，就不要再用“严以律己”来要求自己了，试着去宽容自己的错误，接受自己的失败，接受目前的困境，不要纠结于自身的缺陷，不要纠结于自己内心不够强大，要接受自己的不完美。要学会与自己的不完美相处，学会接受它，面对它。不逃避，不畏惧。
附录:
1- 关于自我怜惜的更多内容，可访问这个网站：self-compassion
2- 摘录一下维基百科的解释：
◆ Self-compassion is extending to one's self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering has defined self-compassion as being composed of three main components – self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.
◇ Self-kindness: Self-compassion entails being warm towards oneself when encountering pain and personal shortcomings, rather than ignoring them or hurting oneself with self-criticism.
◇ Common humanity: Self-compassion also involves recognizing that suffering and personal failure is part of the shared human experience.
◇ Mindfulness: Self-compassion requires taking a balanced approach to one's negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. Negative thoughts and emotions are observed with openness, so that they are held in mindful awareness. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which individuals observe their thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them.
