100 Intimate Moments

100个亲密瞬间

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Get Naked! Gain Confidence!

暴露自己！寻找自信！

对你来说可能是进化，但我认为那是“逃避  ‘亲密’ ”问题

“The verb ‘intimate’ means to make known or to reveal. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity.”But where do we begin?

“动词”亲密“意味着公开或揭露。 人类关系中真正的亲密关系需要对话，公开，脆弱性和互惠。” 但我们从哪里开始呢？

In an effort to increase intimacy in the relationships in my own life, I have spearheaded one of the most terrifying but transformative projects I have ever been associated with.

为了增加我自己生活中的关系的亲密度，我带头展开了一个至今我参与过的最可怕但是极具变革性的项目。

I realized with dismay that somewhere along the path of ‘growing up’ I had lost the ability to reveal myself, make myself vulnerable. I want to be playful, courageous and connected in my life, but it is difficult when wearing a rigid shell of self-protection.

我悲伤地意识到在“成长”之路上某一个地方，我已经丧失了揭露自己的能力，丧失了暴露自己弱点的能力。我想要在生活中成为一个幽默、勇敢而又与他人联系紧密的人，但如果总是裹着坚硬的自我保护壳，这是很难实现的。

In a courageous attempt to challenge myself to leave this mask-wearing-comfort zone, I have pledged to have 100 Intimate Moments to add more emotional depth and connection to conversations. Here are the ground rules:

因此我开始了一次挑战自我的勇敢尝试--离开这个带着面具的安乐区：我发誓要创造100个亲密瞬间来增加对话中的情感深度和联系。以下是一些基本规则：

1. Confidentiality.

2. 60 minutes together in an undisturbed place (can be video conference).

3. We are sober, present and willing to get uncomfortable.

4. I go first.

1. 完全信任他人；

2. 无打扰空间中一起待60分钟（也可以是视频会议）；

3. 保持冷静在一起并且愿意接受令人不自在的情况；

4. 保持主动。

I am a third of the way through the challenge, with 30 conversations below my belt, and I cannot say, the conversations get any easier. Every single one has me terrified beforehand. Sometimes I am so afraid, I feel physically ill. But my desire for more spontaneity and increased connection in my life makes me take the plunge into the pool of suspense over and over again.

目前这项挑战我已经完成三分之一了，已经有过30次这样的对话，但我不能说，交谈变得简单了。之前每个人都让我感到害怕。有时甚至怕到感觉身体都不舒服。但我对生活自主性和更紧密联系的追求让我一次次愿意跳入这片焦虑之海里。

It is one thing to coach people, where my focus lies 100% on the client and their vulnerabilities, blockages and dreams; it is another thing entirely to open myself up. In these Intimate Moments, I share parts of myself that I’d rather hide, parts for which I might get judged, misunderstood or rejected. This has been my single biggest fear throughout the process: “What if the relationship ends over this?” “Good riddance!” you might think, but the danger feels real. Fear has a way of feeling disproportionally more substantial than the threat that triggered it in the first place.

训练别人是一方面，在这方面我的注意力100%全放在客户和他们的弱点、自我封闭以及梦想上；另一方面就是完全打开自己的心扉。在这些亲密瞬间，我甚至会分享我曾经深埋内心的秘密，那些会招致批评、误解甚至拒绝（交往）的秘密。而这也成为其中唯一也最大的令我感到恐惧的地方：“要是这段交往因为这个就此结束怎么办？”“终于甩掉包袱了！”你可能这样想，但那种恐惧感实在太真实。相比于开始时引发恐惧的威胁感，恐惧本身有种不成比例的占据你的大脑的能力。

Last week I had an Intimate Moment with a person whom I have known and loved for a long time. Yet there is something I had never shared with her, a fear of mine I have never expressed. Ahead of our conversation, I feel anxious. There seems to be a lot at stake with this person. What if this is a part of me that is unacceptable to her? I’m having palpitations, battling until the last moment whether to really bring this up or come up with a less intense, less vulnerable version for this conversation. I tell her, quickly, before I change my mind:

“I love you. I’m afraid I will lose you to your new husband.” As I say it a part of me silently comments: “You sound so needy, now you will lose her, you should play it cool. You are being selfish.”

上周我和一位相识已久并深爱的朋友有了一次“亲密瞬间”。但我说了一些我从未提起过的事情--我从未表达过的恐惧。在我们对话前，我感到很焦虑。这位朋友似乎有很多疑惑，要是我心底的事对她来说是不可接受的怎么办？我心脏立即猛烈加速，直到最后一刻，我还一直在纠结是否要说出口或者聊聊缓和一点没这么大风险的话题。很快，我说出来了，在我改变主意前：

“我爱你，我怕又把你输给了你的新丈夫。”当我说出口，心里就有一个声音想起：“你听起来好可怜，现在你就要失去她了，你应该换个酷点的方式。你太自私了。”

Her reply is prompt: “I’m so glad you are telling me. I had the same thoughts about us. I’m afraid our relationship will change and that I will lose you as a friend.”

她回答得很干脆：“你能对我说出来真是太好了，其实我对你也有同样的感觉。现在恐怕我们的关系要变了，我要失去一个作为‘朋友’的你了。”

The space between us transforms instantly. It feels healing. There is an incredibly strong sense of connection. There is even more love and less doubt between us. I feel closer to her than ever — even though I did not think that was possible.

我们之间的距离立刻就拉近了。这感觉很治愈，我感到一股强大到不可置信的“联系感”。我们之间仿佛顿时充满了爱而没了猜疑。我感到和她前所未有的亲近--我从未敢想过的亲近。

Whilst I felt there was a lot at stake with my friend, Intimate Moments with random people are just as petrifying. Take this very successful tech entrepreneur I met at a sporting event. I told him about the project and he said “I’m in.” When I tried to go a little beyond the surface at the sports event, he immediately went back into his safe zone. He became extremely intellectual, tried to impress me with random facts, a common defense mechanism I see both in clients and myself when conversations become uncomfortable. (There are plenty of others, including changing the topic, cracking a joke, feeling tired, mentioning sudden physical pain or physically leaving the situation altogether.)

和朋友在一起的时候会有这种危险的感觉，实际上和其他人在一起的“亲密瞬间”也同样令人害怕。拿这位我在一次运动会上遇到的成功的科技企业家来说， 我跟他说了我的这个项目，他也愉快地加入了。 然而当我在运动会上想聊得深入一点时，他立刻躲回了自己的安全区。当对话变得不舒服，他变得极其理智，试图用一些常识来搪塞我，这是一种常见的防范机制，我和我的客户都有。（防范机制还有其他类型如：转换话题，开个玩笑，感到疲劳，借口自己身体上突然不适或直接离开等）

This person clearly is very intelligent, experienced, educated and successful. How do I initiate an Intimate Moment with HIM, when even the prospect of a little more depth triggers such a strong defense? When the time approaches, again, dread…to the point of actually wanting to cancel the call. How am I going to be able to go deep with a perfect stranger? Why make myself vulnerable in this situation? What if he says something that completely catches me off guard and I won’t know how to respond? (Something that happens often) What if we go into awkward silences for really long periods of time? (This too, is a regular occurrence.) I vow not to bridge silence with superficial chit-chat or any other form of diversion to distract from uncomfortable moments.

这位企业家显然是个十分聪明、老练、有学问而又成功的人物。那我究竟是如何在小小尝试就遇到如此强烈反抗后还开始了我和他的“亲密瞬间”呢，即便他一次一次不想再谈下去，我是怎样深入了解一个彻底的陌生人的呢？ 为什么让自己处于这种不利的地位？要是他说了什么我防不胜防、无从回答的话怎么办（这种事很常见）？要是我们冷场太久怎么办（这也同样常见）？我发誓绝不会用什么肤浅的闲聊或其他形式的消遣来挽救场面，以免让人从这种不舒服的情景里分心开来。

Upon entering the conversation with him, the option of playing it safe arises again, but after sharing the initial ground rules, I tell him: “I’m surprised you are up for the challenge! Why do you want to do this?”

He responds: “Because your project sounds interesting and I’d like to support you with it.”

Pause… nothing else… nowhere to go.

一开始说话，他就又选择了安全的方式，但说清了基本规则之后，我告诉他：“你能接受挑战，让我很惊讶！ 为什么这么做？”

他回答道：“因为你的项目听起来很有意思，我希望尽力支持你。”

然后，冷场了……没话可说了。

I come up with a different question. I do not ask questions in every Intimate Moment. Sometimes people already know what they want to talk about.

“What I usually hide from people is….”

To my surprise, he goes first. In an impressive and very touching manner he starts to share something he has never shared with anyone: “I feel very insecure about my background. I feel out of place, as if I don’t belong. I wish I had gone to one of the Ivy League universities.”

我提出另一个问题。我并不是每次“亲密瞬间”时都问个不停，有时客户知道他们想聊些什么。

“我通常瞒着其他人的是……”

我吃了一惊，他竟然先开口了。他竟开始动人地分享起他从未提过的事来：“我的背景十分不堪。我感到不舒服，仿佛我不属于这个地方。我多希望是从常春藤学校走出来的啊。”

I sense that admitting this does not come easy to him. I feel relief, tremendous relief because I can relate to what he is sharing. I have had moments of insecurity about my background, insecurity of having grown up in an all-white environment as a mixed-race child. I have also carried the insecurity about not having gone to an Ivy League university. I share all of this with him and…the fact that I have met plenty of Ivy League graduates who, despite having been top of their class, still carry a deep-seated insecurity about their background. Some feel like they’re hiding behind a label, regret not having had the courage to go after what really matters to them, and, deep down, still question who they really are. “When I touch on anything I truly love in life, I feel safe.”, I add.

我明显能感觉到，承认这点对他来说十分不容易。我顿时轻松了，完全轻松了因为我能体会到他的那种感觉。我曾经也对自己的背景感到没有安全感，那种在白人世界里长大的混种孩子的不安全感。我也因未曾就读于常春藤院校感到自卑。我把这些感受都跟他分享了，又谈了我遇到过的很多常春藤毕业生，尽管是班里的尖子，仍然存在有对自己背景深深的不安全感。有些人感觉自己就像躲在一个标签后，遗憾自己不能提起勇气追随自己想要的东西，甚至怀疑自己到底是谁、是什么？“当我接触到我真正爱的东西，我觉得很自在，很安全。”我又加了一句。

I remember the man at the sporting event, wearing his grown-up mask. That person felt intimidating and miles away. The person I see now, the person who talked about his insecurity, feels close. The space between us has shifted. It feels warmer, gentler, tender and soft. I see a beauty in the person before me that I couldn’t make out before. I feel a connection. I am willing to be more of myself with him. I am impressed with this man’s courage. He owes me nothing, he agreed to participate on a whim and he showed up more powerfully than I would have ever imagined.

我仍记得运动会上那个男人，戴着他的“成人面具”。那个人拒人千里之外，令人生畏。而现在我面前的这个人，这个人谈着他的不安全感，仿佛触手可及。我们之间的空间仿佛变了，变得温暖、平缓而又轻柔。这个男人第一次让我觉得很美。我感到我和他已经联系起来了。我希望把更真实的自己坦露给他看。我十分敬佩他的勇气，他和我并没有交情，但他一时兴起同意参加我的项目，他就来了，并展现出我意料之外的勇气。

Intimate Moments started as a challenge to myself, but very quickly, I experienced that there is much more to the project. It has the power to transform the space between us, to facilitate a deeper sense of connection. It gives us confidence. Core-confidence, not the superficial and conditional kind that is based on achievements.

“亲密瞬间” 本来是我给自己的挑战，但很快我意识到这个项目可以有更大的意义。它有能改变彼此之间距离空间的力量，有能让彼此之间关系深化变得简单的力量。它让我们变得更自信。真正来自心底的自信，而不是那种表面上基于获得的成就的“条件自信”。

So I added another rule:

5. Pay it forward.

Make yourself a little more vulnerable with another person in your surroundings and watch what happens. I have received astounding feedback of people who did pay their Intimate Moment forward and saw a transformation in their relationships with others.

鉴于此，我加了这条规则：

5. 传递这份“亲密瞬间”

向身边一个人坦露自己真实的内心，看看会发生什么。我已经收到一些来自传递了“亲密瞬间”并看到自己人际关系转变的人的惊人反馈。

Every time ahead of an Intimate Moment conversation I feel like I am about to take a plunge into the ocean on a moonless night. I cannot see below the surface. I don’t know who or what else will be in there with me and I have no clue what the water will feel like.

The only way to find out is to jump.

It is terrifying, but coming out the other end always feels worth it a million times over.

每次在“亲密瞬间”对话之前，我感觉自己像是要在一个没有月光的晚上跳入大海一样。我看不清下面有什么。我不知道水里会有谁或什么东西在等着我，也不知道水感觉起来怎样。

要知道这些，只有纵身一跃。

这时是很可怕的，但出来之后，却截然不同，让人感觉如此受益，甚至愿意再来一千一万次。

I am very grateful to all the courageous individuals who have and currently are participating in100 Intimate Moments.If an Intimate Moment conversation is something you would like to experience, or you would like more information please reach out. We can take a first step together from there.

我感激那些参与过或正在参与“100个亲密瞬间”的勇敢的人们。如果你想来体验一次“亲密瞬间”，或者想再深入了解一下，我们随时欢迎。我们可以一起勇敢向前迈出这步。

source: A Medium Corp. 100 Intimate Moments

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