Walking and Thinking

Walking and Thinking

It's really tough for N recently, the endless work, the exist truth and the faded love.

N was really an innocent girl always be cheated by the people around her and herself. When she was young she always thought all the lucky things will come when it's good time. Passing the college entrence exam, getting an decent job, settling down with a man and becoming old with friends and families, all these happended while nothing was happened as expected.

N starts to ponder her length of life, she fears that she is not here any more on someday but all the lucky things not come.Her grandma passed away when she was in high school preparing for college entrence exam, a relative she loved even more than her parents. She never thought about her grandma would leave so early, it was a disaster absolutely. Nobody knows N how to accept this truth, in the past 6 years, her grandma would constantly appeared in her dream and talked to her, which often confused her the reality and dream.  After watching Coco, a disney cartoon movie, she was moved by Coco grandma and her papa. N knew she have to remember all the things with grandma so that they could see each other again someday.

In the fairy tale, love is so easy for people. Ridiculously, love is the most diffcult mission for N in the world. She got a secret one day occassionaly, her grandma never loved her grandpa. She even failed to defeat death because the one she loved betrayed her. N cannot image her grandma how to endure the life living with a man she not loved, N also cannot understand the love is also so cruel that caused her grandma's early death, such a satire. N cannot blame who is wrong, because it's love, one thing no one can force.

For many people, they would get a life schedule from their parents and around on when to marry and when to have a baby. N is not an exception being tortured by this schedule. She won't deny that she thought she would spend her life time as this schedule.But actually it may just happen before 21st century. Now, it's a new time. She thought she met a right man in November, she thought she would start her new life . A man with weslth of experience, a man she felt there was a little bunny in her chest when she met first time.  He is mature and real, she really enjoyed the time when together with him. She would madly miss him when separated, she knew that she was head over heels in love with him even though they just met three times. N was excited that she finally met a man she really loved, but rationally she also worried that if the man had no feeling about her and she would be broken. So she tried her best not to miss him and to restrain her feelings. But love, it's one thing no one not only cannot force but cannot hide.

N always trys to make herself not get into trouble, especially the love trouble. So she never falled in love with for a real. N also does't know why, maybe this is defence ablity by nature. For all the happened, N even talked with her friend and doubt that if she was wrong, she should do some changes.The friend told her she still not met the right person. It's very depressing but it's truth.

不知道说什么了，用一首小诗结束吧：

我独自冒着冷

去薄霜铺地的林子里

为听鸟语 为盼朝阳

为寻泥土里渐次苏醒的花草

但春信不至 春信不至

我是如此单独而完整

在无数个夜晚

我独自顶着冷风

伫立在老橘树下的桥头

只为听一曲夜莺的哀歌

我倚暖了石栏上的青苔

青苔凉透了我的心坎

但夜莺不来 夜莺不来