我的BNI日记 | 七个拒绝别人时技巧

今天是我加入BNI威信分会的第476天。

有一句话是这么说的，所谓的命运是之前人生所有选择的总和。

记得七月份在云江主席的开普山红酒公司里，所有LT之间互相给予建议，每个人彼此间都说对方一个优点和一个需要提升的地方。

我收到最多需要提升的建议是“学会拒绝”。如此一致，一针见血。拒绝，它有很多名字，有人叫舍得，有人叫选择，有人叫深耕。

人的精力是有限的，学会拒绝，是为了更好的聚焦，这也是在BNI里体验到Less is more，少即是多。这个思路体现最多的是20秒讲我需要的引荐的时候，MSP里教我们，要懂得舍去那些可有可无的需求，直接说出最想要的行业->公司->部门->负责人名字。这其实就是一个选择过程，拒绝那些可有可无的，剪去那些杂乱无章的枝叶，人生的盆景才会更美，长得更好。

今天在BNI创始人Ivan Misner博士的博客里看到了一篇关于如何拒绝别人的文章，翻译过来叫《怎么拒绝而不会听起来像个混蛋的七个方法》：

他的建议是这样的：

1、责怪自己不能胜任：说明自己经验能力的不匹配，如果担起这个责任，会把事情搞砸，会让对方失望的。

2、把机会与分心区别起来：这个需要目标感非常强，对自己很了解，明白自己的专业能力是什么，知道自己在哪方面是有足够的经验的。能够有理有据说明白为什么自己不合适，是与自己人生目标、任务不相符，是专业能力不匹配，是经验不足……而且重点是要说明自己的目标其实更有趣，所以希望聚焦去完成它。

3、推荐更合适的人：找你的人只是想解决问题，帮他找到更合适更专业的人，是一个双赢的方法。

4、直接告诉对方原因：其实原因并不重要，关键是要够坚决。

5、别扯：要真诚而直接地表示自己的拒绝。扯多了别的理由会使情况复杂，一个谎言盖一个谎言。

6、提点别的建议：建议做一些你能做到的，而又符合对方的期待的。提一些能帮忙解决问题的建议。

7、认真：说出来的时候要认真，不要开玩笑的态度，态度很重要，不要模梭两可。重要的事情说三遍，不断地表示不愿意。

中间我觉得最重要的还是要明确自己要什么，正如《高效能人士的七个习惯》里说的最重要的习惯是：要事第一。

知道自己要会什么，才懂得拒绝。

Ivan Misner博客原文地址：https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/337036  如下：

7 Ways to Say 'No' Without Sounding Like a Jerk

To network well, you really need to learn how to help people, build relationships, and support your connections in some way. But sometimes, just sometimes, you need to also say “no” to requests that are made of you.

It’s important to recognize when someone’s opportunity is your distraction. These are generally situations where someone’s project is not on mission for your business or your life. In these situations, you need to learn how to say “no.”  The word “no” is a one-word sentence. It’s just not a full sentence that I like to use very often and I think there are a fair number of people like me out there.

Don’t get me wrong, I am totally good with saying “no,” to people when it is necessary. The secret is: how do you say “no” without sounding like you don’t care?  

Here are seven ways to say “no” and not come across like a jerk (or worse).

1. Blame your workload.

A very effective way to tell someone “no” is to tell them that you believe that you’d let them down if you do what they are asking. It might be because you don’t have the bandwidth, the knowledge, or the expertise to do what they are asking for but, in any case, you’re not the person to help make this idea a success and you don’t want to disappoint them.

2. Recognize the difference between an opportunity and a distraction.

That begins by knowing your own personal or professional mission. If you know your purpose/expertise/mission then you can say “no” when someone comes to you with something that is a distraction to that mission. I do this all the time by telling people that my mission is to do X and as interesting as their idea is, it’s not something that fits with what I do.

3. Refer them to someone more qualified. 

When I say “no” to someone, I almost always try to refer them to someone who is more qualified or more suited to help that person.  I also try to refer them to someone who’s mission is more in alignment with their project.

4. Explain you don't do that. 

Sometimes the request and my response are very simple. For example, when someone tries to get me to have a piece of cake or pie -- I simply say thanks, but I don’t eat processed sugar. When they say something like, “Oh, just a bite,” I have no problem telling them they should feel free to have my bite -- because I don’t eat sugar.

5. Don’t Seinfeld it. 

One of the really funny tropes from the old TV series, Seinfeld, is how the characters go off on some crazy subterfuge or complicated ruse that ends up getting them in more trouble than if they had just been candid in the first place. Be polite but be honest and be direct.

6. Propose something else. 

If you are unable to do something that you’re being asked to do, offer them something else instead. For example, I am always having people ask me to send some communication out to my entire mailing list. The answer is always “no.”  However, with people I know and trust, I propose something else. I propose that I post it on my social media instead. That generally works just as well to maintain the relationship.

7. When you say it, mean it! 

Be a broken record. Sometimes, people don’t take “no” for an answer. I try to be polite and smile, and repeat what I said before (on some occasions, I’ve repeated myself three times before they realized I really meant it).