2020春季学期Level3英语写作课程写作作业002讲评

一、 题目与标准答案分析

a. 题目：Many young people spend a lot of time on the internet   

without any parental supervision or control. What are  some problems caused by unrestricted use of the internet?

b. 标准答案：

Unrestricted access to the internet can lead to a lot of problems for young people. One major problem is the tendency for some young people to become addicted to surfing the net and to spend many hours on their computer instead of doing other things. If they do this, it can lead to social problems. For example, internet chatting or gaming does not lead to the development of the social skills that we all need in our lives to help us to get along with other people and to make friends. Another issue is that spending hours playing on the computer may cause health problems in young people because they are not doing the exercise that they need to develop their bodies and muscles. (124 words)

二、 优点：审题及内容充实

三、 优秀作业点评

（1）班级：L3-B      姓名：Kairos      学号：20193000601   

日期：2020/3/25          作业序号（Writing Assignment No.）：002

题目：Many young people spend a lot of time on the internet without any parental supervision or control. What are some problems caused by unrestricted use of the internet?

A long time on the Internet can cause a lot of problems. One is that it has a direct impact on health. Long-term use will harm people's eyes and cause some eye diseases. It can also make your neck sore and muscles stiff. Secondly, as a result of the operation of the computer in the process of concentration, so that physiological and psychological excessive burden. This easy to make people agitated, eventually lead to physical and mental exhaustion. Finally, Spending a lot of time online can lead to insomnia, weakened immunity and even some mental diseases. Severe cases are characterized by lack of energy and unwillingness to participate in social activities.(111 words)   

作者：7Kairos

链接：https://www.jianshu.com/p/a69d74154fdc

来源：简书

著作权归作者所有。商业转载请联系作者获得授权，非商业转载请注明出处。

评改意见：

行文顺畅、内容充实、语言使用丰富、准确且有变化，比如以下用法：neck sore and muscles stiff、make people agitated, eventually lead to physical and mental exhaustion、a lot of time online can lead to insomnia是一篇4星佳作。不过文中也有少量语言小错，比如第四行的so that physiological and psychological excessive burden建议改为it may pose excessive physiological and psychological burden on the internet user;倒数第二句话Finally, Spending a lot of time online can lead to insomnia, weakened immunity and even some mental diseases.中的Spending应该用小写的spending。

(2)

班级：L3-A    姓名：杨瑀琦    学号：20193000119

日期：2020/3/29                               

作业序号（Writing Assignment No.）：002

题目：Many young people spend a lot of time on the internet without any parental supervision or control. What are some problems caused by unrestricted use of the internet?

Young people's unrestricted use of the Internet may damage their eyesight, and young people may not have enough energy to cope with the daily life of study. I have this view based on the fact that the biggest difference between young people and adults is that they don't have good enough self-control. Without restrictions on Internet use, young people may overuse the Internet, and young people's eyes are in a developing or fully developed state, when overuse of the eyes in contact with the electronic screen will bring irreversible harm to the eyes.Another possible effect is that young people may not have enough energy to deal with their daily study life. In my opinion, anyone's energy in a day is limited. If you put your energy into one place, you will have less energy to deal with the other.In the same way, if you put too much energy into using the Internet, you may not have enough energy for your daily study life.

作者：瑀Yukie

链接：https://www.jianshu.com/p/f41ed9d82515

来源：简书

著作权归作者所有。商业转载请联系作者获得授权，非商业转载请注明出处。

评改意见：本文论证充分、思路清晰、说服性强，使用了一些比较不常用的词汇，如electronic screen, irreversible 以及一些复杂的语法结构，如同位语从句：I have this view based on the fact that the；条件从句：if you put too much energy into using the Internet等。不足之处是主题句Young people's unrestricted use of the Internet may damage their eyesight, and young people may not have enough energy to cope with the daily life of study.太具体，概括性不够强，建议改为：Young people's unrestricted use of the Internet may lead to multiple damages to their health and their daily life of study.然后再在后面两个理由前面各加上一个连接词如to begin with; next or what’s more等。

（3）班级：L3-A    姓名：Dreamy          学号：20193000214     

日期：2020/3/11      作业序号（Writing Assignment No.）：002

题目：Many young people spend a lot of time on the internet without any parental supervision or control. What are some problems caused by unrestricted use of the internet?

Unrestricted use of the Internet will have many bad effects on young people, such as their eyesight. Some young people use the Internet without restraint, which leads to their eyes can't get a rest, so that their eyesight will become worse and worse in the long run. Many reports on the Internet have written that improper use of the Internet by teenagers leads to sudden death or crime, which shows that unrestricted use of the Internet is not desirable. At the same time, in the absence of parental supervision, young children may be exposed to some bad information on the Internet. If the unlimited use of the Internet without the guidance of parents may cause young people to go astray, may cause bad effects on their minds and physiology. Therefore, I think the use of the network needs to be limited and properly directed.(144 words)

作者：911a2f02c369

链接：https://www.jianshu.com/p/dbea80f34a02

来源：简书

著作权归作者所有。商业转载请联系作者获得授权，非商业转载请注明出处。

评改意见：

1、 本文语言及写作格式等错误极少，行文很干净、很整洁、很完整，说明在提交作业前有过认真校对，在这里提出表扬。2、主题句Unrestricted use of the Internet will have many bad effects on young people, such as their eyesight.要高度概括，不要展开，建议去掉such as短语。3、第三句话Some young people use the Internet without restraint, which leads to their eyes can't get a rest,中的which leads to后面建议添加the fact that再加上你原来写的句子their eyes can't get a rest。4、倒数第二句话If the unlimited use of the Internet without the guidance of parents may cause young people to go astray,语法不对，建议去掉连词if直接用后面的名词短语做主语。

四、 主要问题及对策

1、 主要问题

a. 主题句问题：没有、太细。

b. 没有字数统计。

c. 连接词问题。不足或没有。

d. 语言与思想的鸿沟。

“And other issue is the teenager is attracted by computer gamble is due to the fresh things and adventure things. This will cause the money will lose. And in the war news also will attract…”

2、解决方案

  a. 主题句写总结句不要写分析句。

  b. 写完作文通读一下检查是否通顺。

  c. 贴到word文件或者直接在word文件上写作避免拼写、标点和格式问题。

  d. 语言与思想匹配和一致

在这里请大家参考广外学院派雅思写作名师唐伟胜唐老雅老师的给中级英语水平学习者的“简单思维，自然接续”建议和高级英语水平学习者的“逻辑思维，句式灵动”的雅思大作文高分写作建议。