My Second Personality

17-3-21 23:30 evening

My second personality is gradually coming out and becoming more powerful.

I think she is trying to manipulate me.

How can I let her stop?

We had progress meeting yesterday for the first time ever, she asked me to do several things for my own good. She told me to stop behaving childishly. She told me that Ms B was supporting me. Yes she did. I was shocked and my tears were about to run out. I still cannot believe this. I didn’t feel angry or mad anymore after what she said to me but I was grateful. Somehow upset by it. Another type of anger came out, not to others but to myself. I was so stupid and I misunderstood her. I thought she didn’t care because she didn’t reply anything back. But of course she does. I know she always does. She is the kindest person I have ever seen in my life. After school I told my friend about this. But for some reason the next day I got told off for telling them. Today she sent me an email, telling me that she is very disappointed. I was confused but also angry. And very upset of course. I was confused about the fact that she has found out I told them, I’m angry at myself that I keep upsetting people but I’m also angry at those people who told her. I’m upset because I let her down and I really don’t want that to happen, also because of everything that I have done. I’m trying. I don’t want her to be sad and I didn’t mean to let her down. But she is now, extremely disappointed. I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know how to explain to her that I didn’t mean to share it, all I wanted to share was about Ms B supporting me. But I can’t. Because she will think that I am making up of an excuse again. I made people stop trusting me. I can’t believe why I am doing such ridiculous things. I hate myself. I hate myself about the fact that I am so stupid and immature. I hate myself that I keep letting other people feel bad. I hate myself that I am so dishonest to people and I can never own up for something that I did. I hate myself that I keep telling people about things that I shouldn’t. But I am still angry even though I know I shouldn’t be. I am angry because they don’t listen, none of them. They think I betrayed my friends. They think I am the villain on this one. They didn’t let me explain. They didn’t want to know that she was making fun of me self harming. They didn’t want to know that she was laughing about the fact that I tried to kill myself. They didn’t want to know that I saved her life because of contacting her dad. Of course they didn’t want to know. Because I made them stop trusting me. They used to believe me. But it was me who changed this.

But I never did. I treat my friends more than anything on this world.

I didn’t do it.

But I still don’t understand. Why? Why can’t I control my inner personality? Why I keep getting into trouble?

I didn’t want to do any of these but I still did.

I don’t understand.

I feel my body is now really out of control, this isn’t me. I don’t know myself anymore. This is the girl who is full of violent and hatred thoughts. Negative feelings is fulfilled in my head but I can do nothing but accepting it. I tried to kick it out but I didn’t win.

I wish my body can let me go and settle down, but I can’t let everything go back. I hurt people’s feelings, I lost people’s trust and support.

This is where I am. I’m still suffering, never less than before. My tears are still running through my face down to my neck, every night. My arms are still appearing new marks while the old ones are healing. I am immature.

This is stupid. Is it because that I am a teenager?

Or maybe I am the type of person who they think I am. Stupid Asian girl who is dishonest and two faced. I know I am though. But I don’t want to be, she is dragging me down. It’s not my fault, it’s hers. She is still controlling my head. I’m going to kill her.

I started to feel empty since I don’t know when. But of course they don’t know. I wish I could tell them, but I would never dare to do that anymore. This world is based on dishonest and evil. Why are them still blaming me for showing it out? Everyone is so fake. Some are good at acting but some aren’t.

I don’t know what to do, my mind isn’t focusing lately and I can’t even concentrate on lessons. I used to be good at it but I didn’t choose to. I regret it now.

I am still suffering but soon she will go away. I met her last night in my dream and we had a quite unpleasant chat. She won again. I was too weak to beat her.

18-3-21

I sent back the email after coming back from my imagination and I know I’m still facing the reality. I know I still have to deal with it no matter how I feel deep down inside my heart. I apologised.

I tried to make up with the person who has hurt me so much, she was finally typing after a whole month without saying anything. I was satisfied. Even though I can’t go back to where I was before but I was still so grateful.

Today is another day with more work to do and to catch up, I gradually have realised that I am very far behind with Maths. I used to be good at it but now I can’t understand anything. It is my fault again. I found it unusually challenging to concentrate especially in Maths and now I can’t go and ask the teacher for help. I’m going to fail maths after all.

I have music in fifteen minutes and somehow that’s something causing me down and annoyed. But I do know that I love music. In fact everything right now is making me feel annoyed, lessons that I have to attend, work that I have to complete, people’s voice that I have to hear and countless times of apologies that I need to say. I hate every morning when I open my eyes look up the ceiling and thinking about my days. I have figured it out now, that is the thing which is worrying me, I hope I can be in my dreams and never wake up. I can do whatever I want in my dreams, I don’t have to worry about what other people’s opinions towards me, I don’t have to worry about what I should say and what I shouldn’t, I don’t have to worry about if I have hurt someone’s feelings again without realising it. But I can’t.

I am trying to make my days better tho, I am still trying to beat her even though she is stronger than you would think. I can’t let her stay in my brain for any longer, she is enjoying her cup of tea inside my body but I don’t want to be hospitable anymore.

I am trying to make everything better.

Yesterday I had a very good chat with my friend, the one who hurt me. I still want to forgive her. Every time I think she was supporting me but also hurting me, I want to forget the negative part and only think of the good side of her.

Everyone probably thinks that it was me who did something wrong though. I was bullying her.

What she did was far more than bullying. I’d rather being bullied by her.

But I choose to forgive her. I know I did nothing worse than what she did even though I might be the extremely wrong side for teachers.

20:41 in the evening

I have realised that as soon as I finish my music lesson I am less stressed. I have done my chemistry assessment and now music is playing around my ears and I feel much more settled. I start to imagine what would be like when I go back to school and meet everyone is person. Especially her. I have always wanted to give her a hug and I know my tears would start running through my face again when I look at her eyes in real life. I’m afraid of going back now and I’m afraid of meeting those people. I am very used to staying in my room everyday without talking to anyone. If I go back I will need to smile to people.

That’s too hard for me to do especially consider the fact that I am bad at acting.

Do I really want to go back now? Or is it just because I need a break, I am glad that Easter Holiday is in a week so I won’t have to get up every morning thinking about catching up my work and being polite to teachers.

The music that I am listening is quite happy and positive now, it reminds me of those great and valuable moments of me and my friends. But it will never happen again, I am not myself and I can’t make my friends happy again. I can hardly make myself happy. I am not kind anymore, not to others, not to myself.

I still want to be kind though, maybe I will be if I am not Amica.

I gradually don’t want to see lights anymore and want to hide under my blanket with my earphones on, never respond to anyone. I don’t want to wake up again and welcome the next morning, I feel rather comfortable in my dreams.

Sometimes I hear those people criticising me about those stuff that I did, those stupid, evil stuff that I did. That’s when I come back to reality, because none of them knows what I did in real life. They will never know. I can be good at acting sometimes if I choose to.

I chose not to be good at acting. I just want them to know that I don’t like them. So they’d stay away from me and never talk to me again.

This is such a toxic world. I hate this world so much. When can this stop? I hope soon, I’m sure it will end soon.

I still wish to be a great girl. I still wish to be the main character in a movie. I still wish be helpful to people around me. I still wish that I can pick everything up again and move forward. I still wish to stand up from the place that tripped me over. But next time when I see a rock, I wouldn’t wish to be adventurous and step on it. I am just going to turn around and walk away from it. I know the consequences for me if I step on it again. My face would hit the ground with blood falling and dropping. No one would help me but myself.

I am so tired of living. But I am afraid of leaving.

People are all caring about their own business, including me.

I want to see the evil side of this world, I want to uncover the surface and dig down to see those selfish, envy, cold and careless hearts. I want to see how many covers they have put outside that evil heart. People must have hidden them so well that they think no one will find out the other side of themselves. The other side, the true side of themselves.

Days are getting hotter and hotter where I live but I feel colder each day. Am I sick?

I can feel my hands are shaking right now as I am typing each word on the keyboard. Maybe it’s because I am freezing. I can feel that I am more calm now. I feel like I am talking to someone each time I write something which makes me feel safe but as soon as I close this page I realise that no one is here. I am still by myself. I deserve to be though. Don’t you think?

19-3-21 02:07 Morning

She is here again.

My mind is about to explode and I can’t help it. I keep thinking about the work that I need to batch up with, that how bad I am going to do for my GCSEs. I am going to fail everything. I don’t see the point of studying or going to school. I feel like even though I am working so hard I still will fail.

I start to feel stressed again with depressed music going on this time. My tears finally come out, as usual. I could feel this feeling of falling down but never be able to climb up again. I don’t know what to do, every night I think about how much I hate my life but still want to be hopeful and see what’s going on with this world. Maybe my life is good enough compare with others, therefore I am afraid of telling people how I feel.

I am so dramatic and pathetic. I contribute nothing to this world.

As she said, I should better stop breathing.

I wish I was still in year 8, I was young and innocent. I am still young.

But we can never go back, I can never be in the same room with her and laugh about stuff during the night. I can never go around and listen if I want to because there is plenty of time for me to do the exam. I can never talk to teachers when I feel down anymore because they don’t trust me anymore. They are people too, they don’t want to admit it but they also judge people. Just like you and me. They act like they still care about you but they don’t anymore after they think you are bad and evil. They are right though, I am evil. I shouldn’t wish to be cared anymore, I deserve to be isolated so I can keep my mind clear.

They say that I am too young to know how this world is like, I am just being childish. They don’t know that they are just those adults who think they know everything and that they are so mature and intelligent. But they aren’t. They are just normal people who are no less selfish than me. But they are better actors. I still need to be trained. They have finished their training so now they are good at acting. So good that they even forget who they really are. So good that they think they are the one who they are acting all the time. The ones who are caring, kind, mature, intelligent, experienced in life, positive and helpful.

They think that their life experience can make them better people, and that they can handle things better when there are problems. I disagree.

But I am nothing better than those arrogant adults. I am just as evil as them except the fact that I am bad at acting.

This is why I think Ms B is a really valuable person. She has that precious personality which I have been wanting to have for so long. I know she is different.

I have met so many good people in my home country and in England. But I know she is different.

She has experienced most parts in life but she still has the most innocent heart. Maybe she doesn’t but I believe what I see. I don’t want to know the rest, but what I need to know is that she is the kindest woman in this world. I feel lucky to know her. You should too.

I find other people around me so nice too, but that’s different kind of nice.

I am still very grateful that Mrs Walster and other teachers were supporting me. At this moment, I started to remember how much support I have received from school and I find myself childish. People are always kind.

Amica why can’t you be nice to everyone? Why can’t you start to be kind to your family, your friends and your teachers? People will never be kind to you if you are not being kind to them. People will never smile to you if you are not smiling to them.

I have tried. I used to be good at smiling.

Don’t worry I am still trying.

I feel much more calm and less stressed now. Maybe it is a good idea for me to stay in my imagination and never come back to reality. But tomorrow when I wake up I know I will despair again. This feeling will never go away. I used to think that it will be fine as soon as I go back to England and meet my friends. But lately I have changed my mind. I think it is nothing to do with going back or not. I’m sure I will still be feeling devastated even if I am back. This is something to do with myself. I don’t like myself. I will never be happy.

I just wish I can go travel somewhere, just myself. So I can stop thinking about everything going on but concentrating on this world. I want to enjoy my time when I still can. I want to feel the wind flows pass my face. I want to smell the most fresh air. I want to taste the most delicious food. I want to hear the most inspiring music. I want to see the most beautiful place.

This world must have changed so much. Last time I came back it was completely different. People had innocent and pure hearts. I could see the beauty hidden between everyone’s smile.

I am annoyed again, because of something so small that doesn’t even need to be mentioned.

Shall I kill myself?