突如其来的严重内耗

I haven’t updated articles in Jianshu for two days，because something bad happend to me.

因为发生了非常糟糕的事情，让我在简书停更两天。

What happened to me accurately ？ Outwardly, I should feel fairly well in this week, because I will return home and the thing about organizing activity that i worried most has been done.

到底发生了什么呢？我想也许应该把它写下来，希望把这感觉翻篇。表面上看，我这周应该感觉非常好，因为我要回家了，并且一直困扰着我的组织活动的事情也算是告一段落。

In fact, form that activity, I saw the huge problem of myself, and i can't overcome this gap of ideal and reality.  As a result, I have server insomnia, and insomnia leads to more pessimistic mind.

可事实上，我在那个活动中，发现了自己很大的问题，并且通过我的理性思考，没有办法克服。在这种严重内耗中，我失眠了，失眠又同时导致更加悲观的思想。

So i have a strong feeling that i value nothing, about this permissions, i can realize but i can do nothing about it. It seems nothing can prove that i am somebody. My past, current, future means mistakes for me.

我有了一个极其强烈的想法，那就是我啥也不是，并且我意识到我产生这个悲观的想法，试图想要把说服自己，这是无济于事的，但是完全没有任何用，尤其在我这一天什么书也没看，什么也没有学习的时候。好像我的过去，我的现在，我的未来都是一个错误。

I want to save myself from the quagmire of self-deprecuation. I know to do some changes are necessary for me, even though i am not smarter, more organizing ability, more talent, happier than others.  But i feel lucky to experice this world of this age, though i lost my many friends as group up, but still i own more deep, special ，stable emotional connection.  That called family that i know they will accept my everything.

我想要把自己从这自我贬低的泥沼中拖出来。我也知道词语要做点改变，尽管我知道我不如别人聪明，有组织能力，有天赋，获得幸福的能力。可来到这个时代的这个世界，就是一种幸福，这得是多少前人向往的理想世界啊！也许随着我的长大，身边的朋友越来越少，但是我拥有可更深层次，跟独特，更稳定的情感连接。那是一个能包容接纳我的所有一切的地方，它叫做家。

Too far too large isn't relative with me. But do plan, excuation, review well today is what i can do and i want to do. Don't blame just look forward, dear mysel.

太远太虚的目标都与我无关。但是过好今天，按照自己的理想，做好今天的计划，执行与复盘是我能做并且想做的事。

不要自责地向前看吧，亲爱的自己。