承认恨，也是成长
心理学家温尼科特总结了十八条母亲恨孩子的理由： A. The baby is not her own mental conception. 1.婴儿不是她心中设想的那样。
B. The baby is not the one of childhood play, father's child,brother's child, etc.
2.婴儿不是童年的游戏，也不是爸爸的孩子，也不是兄弟的孩子。
C. The baby is not magically produced.
3.婴儿的出生并不神奇。
D. The baby is a danger to her body in pregnancy and at birth.
4.在怀孕和生产的时候，婴儿给她的身体造成危险。
E. The baby is an interference with her private life, a challenge topreoccupation.
5.婴儿妨碍了她的私人生活，让她不能集中精力。
F. To a greater or lesser extent a mother feels that her own motherdemands a baby, so that her baby is produced to placate her mother.
6.或多或少地，母亲觉得自己的母亲需要一个小孩，所以她生孩子是为了安抚她的母亲。
G. The baby hurts her nipples even by suckling, which is at first achewing activity.
7.婴儿的吮吸伤害了她的乳头，甚至一开始根本是咀嚼。
H. He is ruthless, treats her as scum, an unpaid servant, a slave.
8.他如此无情，待她如下等人、免费仆人、奴隶一般。
I. She has to love him, excretions and all, at any rate at thebeginning, till he has doubts about himself.
9.从一开始她就不得不爱他，爱他的排泄物及一切，直到他开始怀疑自身。
J. He tries to hurt her, periodically bites her, all in love.
10.在爱中，他试图伤害她，时不时咬她。
K. He shows disillusionment about her.
11.他表现出对她的幻灭感。
L. His excited love is cupboard love, so that having got what hewants he throws her away like orange peel.
12.他的热情有所企图，他得到了想要的东西，就把她像桔子皮一样扔掉。
M. The baby at first must dominate, he must be protected fromcoincidences, life must unfold at the baby's rate and all this needs hismother's continuous and detailed study. For instance, she must not be anxious when holding him, etc.
13.最初婴儿支配别人，他必须被保护免于意外，生活必须以婴儿的步调进行，所有这些都需要母亲持续不断地详细学习。比如，她抱他时不能焦虑，等等。
N. At first he does not know at all what she does or what shesacrifices for him. Especially he cannotallow for her hate.
14.一开始他根本不知道她为他做了什么、牺牲了什么。特别是他不准她有怨恨。
O. He is suspicious, refuses her good food, and makes her doubtherself, but eats well with his aunt.
15.他多疑，拒绝她提供的好食物，这令她怀疑自己。但他与阿姨在一起时吃得很香。
P. After an awful morning with him she goes out, and he smiles at astranger, who says: “Isn't he sweet!”
16.她跟他度过了一个可怕的早晨，出门后他对着陌生人微笑，别人说：“他多么可爱啊！”
Q. If she fails him at the start，she knows he willpay her out forever.
17.如果她一开始让他失望了，她知道他会永远报复她。
R. He excites her but frustrates——she mustn't eat him or trade in sex with him.
18.他让她兴奋又受挫——她不能吃了他，也不能与他性交。
觉察到自己对婴儿恨意的母亲是内心更为成熟的母亲。反过来，孩子也有对母亲的恨（像小婴儿没有得到及时满足的愤怒，或对应于母亲忽略、控制等不够好或“坏”的压抑和反抗等）而通常也被压抑和伪装。亲子之间的“相爱相杀”在一定程度上也是普遍的人类情感，只是如果一直僵化固着在极端状态就会形成病态。
所以承认恨的这面，能让母亲和孩子关系之间留下更多空间，有利于孩子按自己的天性发展、母亲也能做更真实的自己，彼此天性的爱也才得以保护。
温尼科特提出“足够好的妈妈”（Good Enough Mother）这一概念，有很多人称其为60分妈妈或者70分妈妈。他说：“孩子的健康成长，并不需要最好的妈妈，只要足够好的妈妈就可以了。足够好的妈妈起初几乎完全能适应婴儿的需要，随着时间的推移，她逐渐难以适应。婴儿的能力不断增长，她开始面对自己的失败。”
当妈妈开始面对自己的失败时，就能够放手，让孩子走得更远。当孩子在不同年龄逐渐体验来自妈妈给的恰到好处的挫折，也才能真正地长大，成为独立健康的个体。
