《爱情笔记》Essays in love - 22
22
The Jesus Complex
基督情结
1. If there is any benefit to be found in the midst of agony, it may perhaps lie in the ability of certain sufferers to take this misery as evidence (however perverse) that they are special. Why else would they have been chosen to undergo such titanic torment other than to serve as proof that they are different, and hence presumably better, than those who do not suffer? 如果从极度痛苦中能够发现任何好处，那么这好处也许就在于，痛苦者可以将痛苦作为他们与众不同的证明（无论怎样有悖常情）。除了表明与那些没有遭受苦难的人存在差异，从而有可能比他们更好之外，难道还有别的什么原因使他们被选择去承受这种巨大的人体折磨？
2. I could not stand to be alone in my flat over the Christmas period, so I checked into a room in a small hotel off the Bayswater Road. I took with me a small suitcase and a set of books and clothes, but I neither read nor dressed. I spent whole days in a white bathrobe, lying on top of the bed and flicking through the channels of the television, reading room-service menus and listening to stray sounds coming up from the street.我无法独自一人在寓所里过圣诞节，因此我住进了贝斯沃特路后面的一家小旅馆。我随身带了一个小手提箱和一些书、衣服，但是我既不读书也不穿衣服，而是整天身着睡袍，躺在床上，不停地换着电视频道，看房间服务菜单，聆听街上传来的零落声响。
3. There was at first very little to distinguish that noise from the general moan of the traffic below: car doors were screaming shut, lorries were grinding into first gear, a pneumatic drill was pounding the pavement. And yet above all that, I began to identify a quite different sound, rippling through the thin hotel wall from somewhere near my head, at that time pressed against a copy of Time magazine crushed against a sebaceous headboard. It was becoming undeniable, however much one tried to deny it (and heaven knows one might), that the sound from the next door room was none other than that of the mating ritual of the human species. 'Fuck,' I thought, 'they're fucking!'最初，很难从下面交通的嘈杂声中分辨出一些声音：车门尖利地关上、卡车离合器换到一档、风钻在人行道上开掘。然而从这所有的声音中，我开始发现一种迥然不同的声响穿透我脑袋旁边那薄薄的墙板，一波一波地传了过来。我的头靠在油腻腻的床头板上，中间垫着一本《时代）杂志。无论你怎样努力不去听（天知道谁能这样），都可以分辨得出隔壁房间传来的人类交合的声音。“操，”我心想，“他们在操！”
4. When a man hears others in the midst of such activity, there are certain attitudes one may reasonably expect him to adopt. If he is young and imaginative, he may willingly induce a process of identification with the male through the wall, constructing, with his poet's mind, an ideal of the fortunate woman - Beatrice, Juliet, Charlotte, Tess - whose screams he natters himself to have induced. Or, if affronted by this objective recording of libido, he may turn away, think of England and raise the volume of the television.人们可以合理地想象一个聆听着人类交媾之声的人会采取一种怎样的态度。如果他是富有想象力的年轻人，那么他会想要与隔壁男人做同样的事，用他诗人般的脑袋，构想那位幸运女人的完美形象——贝雅特丽齐、朱丽叶、夏洛特、苔丝——他自以为她们的尖叫声是他引起的。或者，如果被这种实实在在的情欲侮辱，他也许不去理会，想一想国家大事，把电视的声音开大。
5. But my reaction was remarkable only for its passivity ?or, rather, I failed to push reaction any way beyond acknowledgement. Since Chloe had left, I had done little but acknowledge. I had become a man who, in every sense of the word, could not be surprised. Surprise is, we are told by psychologists, a reaction to the unexpected, but I had come to expect everything, and could hence be surprised by nothing.但是我的反应则是听之任之——或者更准确的说，除了承认这个事实之外没有任何反应。自克洛艾离去之后，我能做的只是机械地承认。就男人这个词的一切含义而言，我成了一个再也不能产生惊奇的男人。心理学家告诉我们，惊奇是对未预料到的事物的反应。但是一切都在我的预料之中，所以我也就不会对任何事物感到惊讶。
6. What was passing through my mind? Nothing but a certain song heard once on the radio in Chloe's car, with the sun setting over the edge of the motorway: I'm in love, sweet love, Hear me calling out your name, I feel no shame, I'm in love, sweet love, Don't you ever go away, it'll always be this way.我的脑子正想着什么？除了一首歌之外，什么都没想。那是一首在克洛艾车上的收音机里听来的歌，听歌那会儿夕阳已落到了公路边上：
我恋爱着，甜蜜的爱，
听我叫你的名字，我一点都不害羞，
我恋爱着，甜蜜的爱，
永远不要离开我，我们相爱不罢休。
I had grown intoxicated with my own sadness, I had reached the stratosphere of suffering, the moment where pain gives rise to the Jesus complex. The sound of the copulating couple and the song from happier days coalesced in the giant tears that had begun to flow at the thought of the misfortunes of my existence. But for the first time, these were nor angry, scalding tears, rather the bitter-sweet taste of waters grown tinged with the conviction that it was not I, but the people who had made me suffer, who were so blind. I was elated, at the pinnacle where suffering brings one over into the valley of joy, the joy of the martyr, the joy of the Jesus complex. I imagined Chloe and Will travelling through California, I listened to requests of 'more' and 'harder' from next door and grew drunk on the liquor of grief.我陶醉在自己的悲伤中，达到了痛楚的顶点。这时，痛苦得以升华，获得了价值，产生了基督情结。那一对男女交合的声响和欢乐日子里聆听的歌儿一起化为汹涌的泪水，随着我想起生存的不幸，奔流而下。然而，我第一次感到这不是愤怒的热泪，而是一种酸甜交加的泪水。这泪水传递着一种信念：不是我，而是那个使我痛苦的人那么有眼无珠。我一下子欢欣鼓舞，从痛苦的顶峰滑入快乐的山谷。这是一种殉难者的快乐，一种基督情结的快乐。我想象克洛艾和威尔在加利福尼亚旅行，我听见隔壁要求“再来一次”和“再用点力”的声音，沉醉于悲伤的苦酒之中。
7. 'How great can one be if one is understood by everyone?' I asked myself, contemplating the fate of the Son of God. Could I really continue to blame myself for Chloe's inability to understand me? Her rejection was more a sign of how myopic she was than of how deficient I might have been. No longer was I necessarily the vermin and she the angel. She had left me for a third-rate Californian Corbusian because she was simply too shallow to understand. I began to reinterpret her character, concentrating on sides I found least pleasant. She was in the end very selfish, her charms only a superficial veneer masking an unattractive nature. If she seduced people into thinking she was adorable, it had more to do with her amusing conversation and kind smile than any genuine grounds for love. Others did not know her the way I did and it was clear (though I had not realized it originally) that she was inherently self-centred, rather caustic, at times inconsiderate, often thoughtless, on occasion ungracious, when she was tired impatient, when she wanted her own way dogmatic, and in her decision to reject me both unreflective and tactless.沉思着圣子的命运，我问自己：“如果一个人能为所有人理解，那么他会有多么伟大？”我真的还能继续责怪克洛艾不理解我吗？她抛弃我只能更说明她多么缺乏远见，而不是说我有多少不足。她不一定再是天使，我也不一定再是歹徒。因为她太肤浅，不能理解我，所以才会离开我，投入一个三流的加利福尼亚科比西埃怀中。从在她身上发现的最不好的那些方面开始，我重新分析了账的性格。她最终只是一个非常自私的人，她的美丽只是浅薄的外表，蒙住的是更没有魅力的内心。如果她诱使人们认为她值得爱慕，那多半是出于她有趣的谈吐和友好的微笑，而不是真正的爱。对于她，别人不了解的地方我都了解。很显然（尽管以前我没有意识到）她天生就是以自我为中心，相当刻薄，经常不体谅他人，行为轻率，有时还很粗野。当她累得不耐烦，当她武断专行，当她决定抛弃我时，她显得既粗心大意又毫无策略。
8. Grown infinitely wise through suffering, I could forgive, pity, and patronize her for her lack of judgement - and to do so gave me infinite relief. I could lie in a lilac-and-green hotel room and be filled with a sense of my own virtue and greatness. I pitied Chloe for everything she could not understand, the infinitely wise seer who watches the ways of men and women with a melancholic, knowing grin.痛苦使我获得无限的智慧，所以对于她的疏于判断，我当然可以原谅、同情并且迁就——这样让我感受到无限的放松。我可以在一间淡紫色和绿色相间的旅馆房间里，感觉自己充满了美德和伟大。我为克洛艾无法理解的一切而深表同情。我咧嘴露出忧郁而会心的笑容，无限智慧地看着尘世男女的行径。
9. Why was my complex, the perverse psychological trick that turned every defeat and humiliation into its opposite, to be named after Jesus? I might have identified my suffering with that of Young Werther or Madame Bovary or Swann, but none of these bruised lovers could compete with Jesus's untainted virtue and his unquestionable goodness beside the evil of those he tried to love. It was not just the weepy eyes and sallow face attributed to him by Renaissance artists that made him such an attractive figure, it was that Jesus was a man who was kind, completely just, and betrayed. The pathos of the New Testament, as much as of my own love story, arose out of the sad tale of a virtuous but misrepresented man, who preached the love of everyone for their neighbour, only to see the generosity of his message thrown back in his face.情结只是曲解的心理学把戏，使每一个失败和耻辱获得相反的意义。为什么将我的情结称为基督情结？我本可以把自己的痛苦视作是少年维特，是包法利夫人，或是斯万夫人的痛苦，但是这些受伤的恋人都不及基督清白无暇的美德和无可置疑的善良——在对待他努力去爱的人们的罪恶时。他之所以富有吸引力，不在于文艺复兴艺术家赋予他的泪汪汪的双眼和灰黄面孔，而是因为基督本人是一个和蔼、完全公正和被出卖的人。《新约全书》中的词句，如同我的爱情，是源于一个富有美德而被歪曲之人的哀婉动人故事，他宣讲每个人都要爱他们周围的人，却看到他高洁的思想被扔回他脸上。
10. It is hard to imagine Christianity having achieved such success without a martyr at its head. If Jesus had simply led a quiet life in Galilee making commodes and dining tables and at the end of his life published a slim volume entitled My Philosophy of life before dying of a heart attack, he would not have acquired the status he did. The agonizing death on the Cross, the corruption and cruelty of the Roman authorities, the betrayal by his friends, all these were indispensable ingredients for proof (more psychological than historical) that the man had God on his side.如果没有一个殉难者作为先驱，难以想象基督教可以取得今天的成就。如果基督仅只安静地生活在加利利，做着五斗橱和餐桌，在生命走到尽头，死于心脏病之前，出版一本薄薄的标题为《我的生命哲学》的书，那么他将无法获得现在的地位。十字架上充满痛苦的死亡，罗马政权的腐朽和残暴，朋友的出卖，所有这些都不可或缺的证明（精神上的多于史实上的）：基督与上帝同在。
11. Feelings of virtue breed spontaneously in the fertile soil of suffering. The more one suffers, the more virtuous one must be. The Jesus complex was entangled in feelings of superiority, the superiority of the underdog who considers himself above his oppressors, with their tyranny and blindness. Ditched by the woman I loved, I exalted my suffering into a sign of greatness (lying collapsed on a bed at three in the afternoon), and hence protected myself from experiencing my grief as the outcome of what was at best a mundane romantic break-up. Chloe's departure may have killed me, but it had at least left me in glorious possession of the moral high ground. I was a martyr.苦难的肥沃土地上自发地培育着美德的情感。经历的苦难越多，越具有更多的美德。基督情结纠缠于优越感之中，这是苦难者的优越感，与压迫者那不可抵抗的暴政和盲目相比，苦难者似乎有更多的美德。被我所爱的女人抛弃，我把自己的痛苦提升为一种品质（下午三点瘫躺在一张床上，基督钉在十字架上），从而保护自己免受悲伤的折磨，那最多不过是一次世间爱情的破裂产生的悲伤。克洛艾的离开也许令我伤心欲绝，但至少让我拥有了高尚的道德，虽然被判决去死，但成全我去做一个历史的殉难者。
12. The Jesus complex lay at opposite ends of the spectrum from Marxism. Born out of self-hatred, Marxism prevented me from becoming a member of any club that would have me. The Jesus complex still left me outside the club gates but, because it was the result of ample self-love, declared that I was not accepted into the club only because I was so special. Most clubs, being rather crude affairs, naturally could not appreciate the great, the wise, and the sensitive, who were to be left at the gates or dropped by their girlfriends. My superiority was revealed primarily on the basis of my isolation and suffering: I suffer, therefore I am special. I am not understood, but for precisely that reason, I am worthy of greater understanding.基督情结与马克斯兄弟式思维处于对立的两端。出于自我厌恶，马克斯兄弟式思维不让我涉身任何愿意接纳我的俱乐部。基督情结让我立身于俱乐部的大门之外，但却是出于充分自爱的结果，它声言，因为我特殊，所以没有被接纳。许多俱乐部天生不喜欢伟大崇高、智慧超群以及感觉敏锐的人们，这无疑显得粗野草率，故而那些人只好或是待在门外，或是被他们的女朋友一脚踢开。我的优越感主要建立在我的孤立和痛苦的基础之上：我痛苦，因此我特殊。我不被理解，但正是不被理解，我肯定值得更为深刻的理解。
13. In so far as it avoids self-hatred, one must have sympathy for the alchemy by which a weakness is turned into virtue - and the evolution of my pain towards a Jesus complex certainly implied a degree of mental good health. It showed that in the delicate internal balance between self-hatred and self-love, self-love was now winning. My initial response to Chloe's rejection had been a self-hating one, where I had continued to love Chloe while hating myself for failing to make the relationship work. But my Jesus complex had turned the equation on its head, now interpreting rejection as a sign that Chloe was worthy of contempt or at best pity (that paragon of Christian virtues). The Jesus complex was nothing more than a self-defence mechanism; I had not wanted Chloe to leave me; I had loved her more than I had ever loved a woman, but now that she had flown to California, my way of accepting the unbearable loss was to reinvent how valuable she had been in the first place. It was clearly a lie, but honesty is sometimes more than we have strength for when, abandoned and desperate, we spend Christmas alone in a hotel room listening to the sound of orgasmic beatitude from next door.只要避免了自我厌恶，人们必然会赞成软弱递嬗为美德的神秘变化——将我的痛苦演变为基督情结，这当然暗示了一定程度的心理健康。它表明在内心自我厌恶和自我珍爱的灵敏平衡中，自我珍爱现在占了上风。我最初对克洛艾背弃行为的自我厌恶情结表明我还一直爱着她，痛恨自己不能将爱情进行到底。但是我的基督情结已经将等式颠倒过来，认为克洛艾背弃行为说明她只值得轻视，或至多值得同情（那是基督美德的典范）。基督情结只是一个自我防卫的办法，我并不希望克洛艾离开我，我从来没有这么爱过一个女子。但是既然她已经飞去加利福尼亚，我接受这不可接受的失落的办法，就是去重新发现她原先是价值无比。这明显是一个谎言，但有时当我们遭遇抛弃，陷入绝望，独自一人在旅馆里过圣诞节，听着隔壁房间里肉体祈福的声音时，我们没有力量更诚实。
