第三十六章

If Elizabeth, when Mr. Darcy gave her the letter, did not expect it to contain a renewal of his offers, she had formed no expectation at all of its contents. But such as they were, it may be well supposed how eagerly she went through them, and what a contrariety of emotion they excited. Her feelings as she read were scarcely to be defined. With amazement did she first understand that he believed any apology to be in his power; and stedfastly was she persuaded that he could have no explanation to give, which a just sense of shame would not conceal. With a strong prejudice against every thing he might say, she began his account of what had happened at Netherfield. She read, with an eagerness which hardly left her power of comprehension, and from impatience of knowing what the next sentence might bring, was incapable of attending to the sense of the one before her eyes. His belief of her sister's insensibility, she instantly resolved to be false, and his account of the real, the worst objections to the match, made her too angry to have any wish of doing him justice. He expressed no regret for what he had done which satisfied her; his style was not penitent, but haughty. It was all pride and insolence. 

But when this subject was succeeded by his account of Mr. Wickham, when she read, with somewhat clearer attention, a relation of events, which, if true, must overthrow every cherished opinion of his worth, and which bore so alarming an affinity to his own history of himself, her feelings were yet more acutely painful and more difficult of definition. Astonishment, apprehension, and even horror, oppressed her. She wished to discredit it entirely, repeatedly exclaiming, "This must be false! This cannot be! This must be the grossest falsehood!" -- and when she had gone through the whole letter, though scarcely knowing any thing of the last page or two, put it hastily away, protesting that she would not regard it, that she would never look in it again. 

In this perturbed state of mind, with thoughts that could rest on nothing, she walked on; but it would not do; in half a minute the letter was unfolded again, and collecting herself as well as she could, she again began the mortifying perusal of all that related to Wickham, and commanded herself so far as to examine the meaning of every sentence. The account of his connection with the Pemberley family was exactly what he had related himself; and the kindness of the late Mr. Darcy, though she had not before known its extent, agreed equally well with his own words. So far each recital confirmed the other; but when she came to the will, the difference was great. What Wickham had said of the living was fresh in her memory, and as she recalled his very words, it was impossible not to feel that there was gross duplicity on one side or the other; and, for a few moments, she flattered herself that her wishes did not err. But when she read, and re-read with the closest attention, the particulars immediately following of Wickham's resigning all pretensions to the living, of his receiving, in lieu, so considerable a sum as three thousand pounds, again was she forced to hesitate. She put down the letter, weighed every circumstance with what she meant to be impartiality -- deliberated on the probability of each statement -- but with little success. On both sides it was only assertion. Again she read on. But every line proved more clearly that the affair, which she had believed it impossible that any contrivance could so represent as to render Mr. Darcy's conduct in it less than infamous, was capable of a turn which must make him entirely blameless throughout the whole.

The extravagance and general profligacy which he scrupled not to lay to Mr. Wickham's charge, exceedingly shocked her; the more so, as she could bring no proof of its injustice. She had never heard of him before his entrance into the ----shire Militia, in which he had engaged at the persuasion of the young man, who, on meeting him accidentally in town, had there renewed a slight acquaintance. Of his former way of life, nothing had been known in Hertfordshire but what he told himself. As to his real character, had information been in her power, she had never felt a wish of enquiring. His countenance, voice, and manner had established him at once in the possession of every virtue. She tried to recollect some instance of goodness, some distinguished trait of integrity or benevolence, that might rescue him from the attacks of Mr. Darcy; or at least, by the predominance of virtue, atone for those casual errors, under which she would endeavour to class what Mr. Darcy had described as the idleness and vice of many years continuance. But no such recollection befriended her. She could see him instantly before her, in every charm of air and address; but she could remember no more substantial good than the general approbation of the neighbourhood, and the regard which his social powers had gained him in the mess. After pausing on this point a considerable while, she once more continued to read. But, alas! the story which followed, of his designs on Miss Darcy, received some confirmation from what had passed between Colonel Fitzwilliam and herself only the morning before; and at last she was referred for the truth of every particular to Colonel Fitzwilliam himself -- from whom she had previously received the information of his near concern in all his cousin's affairs, and whose character she had no reason to question. At one time she had almost resolved on applying to him, but the idea was checked by the awkwardness of the application, and at length wholly banished by the conviction that Mr. Darcy would never have hazarded such a proposal if he had not been well assured of his cousin's corroboration.

She perfectly remembered every thing that had passed in conversation between Wickham and herself in their first evening at Mr. Philips's. Many of his expressions were still fresh in her memory. She was now struck with the impropriety of such communications to a stranger, and wondered it had escaped her before. She saw the indelicacy of putting himself forward as he had done, and the inconsistency of his professions with his conduct. She remembered that he had boasted of having no fear of seeing Mr. Darcy -- that Mr. Darcy might leave the country, but that he should stand his ground; yet he had avoided the Netherfield ball the very next week. She remembered also, that till the Netherfield family had quitted the country, he had told his story to no one but herself; but that after their removal, it had been every where discussed; that he had then no reserves, no scruples in sinking Mr. Darcy's character, though he had assured her that respect for the father would always prevent his exposing the son.

How differently did every thing now appear in which he was concerned! His attentions to Miss King were now the consequence of views solely and hatefully mercenary; and the mediocrity of her fortune proved no longer the moderation of his wishes, but his eagerness to grasp at any thing. His behaviour to herself could now have had no tolerable motive; he had either been deceived with regard to her fortune, or had been gratifying his vanity by encouraging the preference which she believed she had most incautiously shewn. Every lingering struggle in his favour grew fainter and fainter; and in farther justification of Mr. Darcy, she could not but allow that Mr. Bingley, when questioned by Jane, had long ago asserted his blamelessness in the affair; that, proud and repulsive as were his manners, she had never, in the whole course of their acquaintance -- an acquaintance which had latterly brought them much together, and given her a sort of intimacy with his ways -- seen any thing that betrayed him to be unprincipled or unjust -- any thing that spoke him of irreligious or immoral habits. That among his own connections he was esteemed and valued -- that even Wickham had allowed him merit as a brother, and that she had often heard him speak so affectionately of his sister as to prove him capable of some amiable feeling. That had his actions been what Wickham represented them, so gross a violation of every thing right could hardly have been concealed from the world; and that friendship between a person capable of it, and such an amiable man as Mr. Bingley, was incomprehensible.

She grew absolutely ashamed of herself. -- Of neither Darcy nor Wickham could she think, without feeling that she had been blind, partial, prejudiced, absurd.

"How despicably have I acted!" she cried. -- "I, who have prided myself on my discernment! -- I, who have valued myself on my abilities! who have often disdained the generous candour of my sister, and gratified my vanity, in useless or blameable distrust. -- How humiliating is this discovery! -- Yet, how just a humiliation! -- Had I been in love, I could not have been more wretchedly blind. But vanity, not love, has been my folly. -- Pleased with the preference of one, and offended by the neglect of the other, on the very beginning of our acquaintance, I have courted prepossession and ignorance, and driven reason away, where either were concerned. Till this moment, I never knew myself."

From herself to Jane -- from Jane to Bingley, her thoughts were in a line which soon brought to her recollection that Mr. Darcy's explanation there had appeared very insufficient; and she read it again. Widely different was the effect of a second perusal. -- How could she deny that credit to his assertions, in one instance, which she had been obliged to give in the other? -- He declared himself to have been totally unsuspicious of her sister's attachment; -- and she could not help remembering what Charlotte's opinion had always been. -- Neither could she deny the justice of his description of Jane. -- She felt that Jane's feelings, though fervent, were little displayed, and that there was a constant complacency in her air and manner not often united with great sensibility.

When she came to that part of the letter in which her family were mentioned, in terms of such mortifying yet merited reproach, her sense of shame was severe. The justice of the charge struck her too forcibly for denial, and the circumstances to which he particularly alluded, as having passed at the Netherfield ball, and as confirming all his first disapprobation, could not have made a stronger impression on his mind than on hers. The compliment to herself and her sister was not unfelt. It soothed, but it could not console her for the contempt which had been thus self-attracted by the rest of her family; -- and as she considered that Jane's disappointment had in fact been the work of her nearest relations, and reflected how materially the credit of both must be hurt by such impropriety of conduct, she felt depressed beyond any thing she had ever known before.

After wandering along the lane for two hours, giving way to every variety of thought; re-considering events, determining probabilities, and reconciling herself, as well as she could, to a change so sudden and so important, fatigue, and a recollection of her long absence made her at length return home; and she entered the house with the wish of appearing cheerful as usual, and the resolution of repressing such reflections as must make her unfit for conversation.

She was immediately told, that the two gentlemen from Rosings had each called during her absence; Mr. Darcy, only for a few minutes to take leave, but that Colonel Fitzwilliam had been sitting with them at least an hour, hoping for her return, and almost resolving to walk after her till she could be found. -- Elizabeth could but just affect concern in missing him; she really rejoiced at it. Colonel Fitzwilliam was no longer an object. She could think only of her letter. 

--正文

达西给伊丽莎白信的时候，伊丽莎白觉得达西肯定是又在提求爱的事情。但是尽管如此，她还是很猴急地读完了，读完后她的心情十分矛盾。她读信时的心情几乎无法描述。一开始达西要道歉，她十分惊讶。她也十分肯定达西根本没有借口解释，这只不过是他的愧疚心理起作用了。她读到达西所说的在耐热屯发生的事情，便充满偏见地看待他说得每一句话。她焦急地读着，根本来不及细嚼慢咽，因为着急知道下一句话说了什么，甚至来不及细看这句话的意思。他说她姐姐冷漠，伊丽莎白立刻认为他错了。他又说这桩婚事不合理的地方，让伊丽莎白愤怒之极，更不想说达西什么好话听。他说自己的所作所为毫不后悔，这倒是让她满意。他的字里行间写得不是忏悔，而是傲慢。这份信充满了自负和无礼。

但是当达西说到维克汉姆的时候，伊丽莎白脑袋就清楚了一些，达西说的这些事情如果是真的，那就会推翻她对维克汉姆的全部好印象，而且达西说的这些跟维克汉姆自己说的话惊人得相似，这让她觉得极其痛苦，更加五味杂陈。惊讶，紧张，甚至是恐惧，让她心里堵得慌。她想否认这封信，因此不停地说：“这一定是假的！不存在的！恶心讷！假的！”但是她通读了一遍整份信后，尽管也不知道最后一两页说的啥，还是着急地把信放在了一边，嘴上说着自己完全不在意，自己一遍都不会再看得。

伊丽莎白心里有点惊慌，脑子里什么也想不了，就出去走了走。但是没有什么帮助。不到半分钟信又被打开了，她不停地回忆之前发生的事情，她又开始羞愧地读关于维克汉姆的内容，然后又强令自己去揣测每句话的意思。信里说的维克汉姆跟彭伯里的关系，跟维克汉姆自己说的也吻合。而信里说的好心的老达西先生，尽管伊丽莎白之前不知道好心到什么程度，但也跟维克汉姆自己的话吻合。到目前为止，每一项描述都互相吻合。但是读到遗嘱的地方，两方面的话就差别很大了。关于牧师一职，维克汉姆说的还历历在目，她回忆起他说的每个字，觉得不是达西在骗人，就是维克汉姆在骗人。有那么一会，她觉得自己猜的没错。但是她读了一遍，而且又仔细地再读了一遍，读到维克汉姆放弃牧师一职，接受3000磅补偿的时候，3000磅可不是小数目，她不得不犹豫了。她放下了信，公正地仔细回想每一种情况，小心翼翼地考虑各种说法的可能性，当年是没有什么收获。两方面都是各执一词。于是她又读了下去。每句话都好像更加清楚地证明了——事情应该有反转，达西从头到尾应该没什么过错。而伊丽莎白之前以为任何技俩都不能让达西脱罪，他的行为是臭名昭著的。

达西指责维克汉姆生活奢靡，这让伊丽莎白十分惊讶。更关键的是，她没办法证明达西说的不对。维克汉姆加入民兵团之前，伊丽莎白从来没有听过。而他也是被朋友劝说才加入民兵团的，这个朋友也只是泛泛之交，之前在镇上偶然认识的。他之前的生活，除了他自己说的那些，赫特福德的老百姓是无从知晓的。至于他的真实性格，就算她可以打听到，她也从没想过去问。他的脸，声音和举止都让别人瞬间觉得他是个正派人。她试图找一些维克汉姆善良的例证，一些正直和仁慈的特征，这样这能说明达西说的话都是假的。或者至少从道德上来说，能弥补下这些偶然的错误，伊丽莎白试图将达西的指责想象成是维克汉姆多年的懒散和堕落。但是她没有找到这些例证。此刻维克汉姆似乎就在她眼前，那么风度翩翩，充满魅力。但是除了街坊邻居的夸奖，以及他个人魅力带来的好感之外，她也想不起来维克汉姆有什么特别大的优点。在这儿停了好大一会后，她又读了下去。但是，让伊丽莎白遗憾的是，后面说的维克汉姆拐骗达西小姐的事情，在前一天早上也被菲茨威廉姆上校证实过。终于，她读到了达西让她去找菲茨威廉姆上校求证的段落。之前她就知道，菲茨威廉姆上校对自己表哥的事情全都熟悉，而且他的人格伊丽莎白也没有理由怀疑。有那么一会，她几乎就决定去找他问了，但想到那种尴尬场面又有点踌躇，最终伊丽莎白怀疑假如他们俩没串通好的话，达西是不会提这么个要求的。

她清楚的记得在菲利普先生家的晚上，她和维克汉姆第一次见面时候说的话。很多话她都记得很清楚。现在她开始觉得他这么跟陌生人说话有些冒昧，她开始好奇之前自己怎么没有注意到。现在她注意到了，维克汉姆这么说话有失教养，他言行前后的不一致。她还记得维克汉姆吹过自己不怕见达西，还说什么达西可能会离开村子，但他还会坚守立场之类的。但是下周的耐热屯舞会他又不参加。她还记得在达西一群人离开村子前，维克汉姆只跟她说了这些事情。但他们走了之后，他就开始到处讲了。尽管他自己说很尊重老达西先生，决不会说他儿子坏话，但是他还是毫无保留，毫不迟疑地到处说达西的坏话。

现在看来，他这些事情跟之前说的都很不一样。他去追求金小姐如今看来只是为了钱，多么可恶！结果金小姐的这点钱他觉得少了，但是他一个子儿都不想落下。他对待伊丽莎白的行为现在来看是无法原谅的。他要么是误听别人说自己很有钱，要么就是想满足自己的虚荣心，鼓励伊丽莎白喜欢自己。所有之前的那些好感现在越来越淡了。至于对达西的评价，她现在只能选择相信之前宾利被简质问时候的说法——在这件事情上，他没有过错。尽管达西的举止高傲又让人厌恶，但是在他们结识的过程中（最近他们时常待在一起，这让她更熟悉他的风格），他从没有做过不道德或者不公正的事情，也没见他有什么不虔诚的恶习。在他的朋友中，他是被尊重的。甚至维克汉姆都说他是个好哥哥。而且她还经常听到达西充满关心地说起妹妹，这说明他也不是个机器人。如果他是维克汉姆所说的那种人，那他做的恶事早就应该世人皆知了，那么像宾利那样随和的人都能跟他做朋友，那更是没法理解了。

她开始对自己感到羞愧。她现在想起达西或者维克汉姆，都会觉得自己是那么的盲目，偏心，充满偏见，而又十分荒唐。（翻译官：Be careful.This might be the start of a romance.）

“我该有多么卑鄙啊！”她大叫道，“我，一个如此相信自己洞察力的人，一个如此自认有能力的人，一个经常鄙视自己姐姐好脾气的人，却在用无用的和恶意的猜忌，满足了自己的虚荣心。这个发现是多么羞辱人啊！不对，这不仅仅是羞辱！如果我爱上了维克汉姆，那我真是比水母还要瞎了。但是虚荣心，而不是爱情，才是我愚蠢的地方。因为刚认识的时候，一个偏爱我，我便喜欢他，一个忽视了我，我便觉得被顶撞了，面对他们的时候，我自己先入为主了，并抛弃了理性。直到这一刻，我才认识了我自己。”

从她自己到简，从简到宾利，她想来想去，开始想到达西的解释理由有些不充分。于是她又读了一遍信。第二次阅读的效果是显而易见的。既然她在维克汉姆的事情上不得不相信他，那么她怎么能不相信简的事情呢？达西说自己毫不怀疑简对宾利不感兴趣，伊丽莎白禁不住想起夏洛特之前说的话，她也无法否认达西对简的描述有失偏颇。她觉得尽管简的感情很热烈，但是她很少展示出来，而且她总是一副怡然自得的样子，让人无法觉察到她的本意。

然后她就读到了讲她家人那一段，在这种丢人但是又正确的批评下，她的羞愧感极其强烈。这个批评让她无法否认，而且达西隐晦地提到的事情，比如在耐热屯舞会上的事情，使他开始就要反对这桩婚事。其实伊丽莎白跟达西一样，在这些事情上感同身受。至于对她和她姐姐的夸奖，伊丽莎白也不是无动于衷。这让她稍显开心，但是她并没有感到安慰，因为自己的家人总是自己惹人瞧不起。现在她觉得简的这件事情其实都怪家里人，又想到自己姐妹俩的名声会因为家人的无礼行为遭受多少非议，她感到无与伦比的压抑。

在小路上走了两个小时后，伊丽莎白左思右想，又把很多事情重新考虑了一遍，想了想是否确有其事，最终她决定转变，一个很突然，但是又重要的转变。她觉得很疲惫，而且在外面也很长时间了，就决定回家。进家门的时候，她还是希望能像往常一样开心点，而她决心压制自己的想法又让她不适合跟人说话。

伊丽莎白一回来就听说了，罗星庄园的两位先生在她不在家的时候来找过她。达西先生只待了几分钟就走了，但是菲茨威廉姆上校在家里坐了至少一个小时，甚至想出去找她。伊丽莎白假装错过她很惋惜的样子，但其实她很开心。菲茨威廉姆上校再也不是她的目标了，她的心里只有那封信。