Tenzin Palmo Jetsunma on How to

The problem is always that we mistake the idea of love for attachment.

We imagine the grasping and clinging that we have for in our relationships shows that we love. Whereas actually it is just an attachment. Which causes pain.

Because the more we grasp, the more we are afraid to lose then, if we lose, then we are going to suffer.

I mean, Genuine love is…well, attachment says “I love you so I want you to make me happy. ”

And genuine love says “I love you, therefore I want you to be happy. If that includes me, great. If not, I just want your happiness.” And so its a very different feeling.

Attachment is like holding very tight. But genuine love is like holding very gently, nurturing but allowing things to flow, not to be held tightly. The more tightly we hold on to others, the more we will suffer.

But its very hard for people to understand that because they think that the more they hold on to someone, the more it shows that they care about them. It is not. It is just they re trying to grasp at something because otherwise they themselves will be hurt. Any kind of relationship, which imagines that we can fulfill ourselves through the other is bound to be very tricky.

Ideally, people should come together already feeling fulfilled within themselves. and just therefore appreciating that in the other rather than expecting the other to supply that sense of well-being which they don’t feel on their own.

Then there is a lot of problems. And also along with the projection, which comes with romance, where we project all our ideas ideals and desires and romantic fantasies onto the other which the other cannot possibly fulfill once you get to know them, you recognize that they are not Prince Charming or Cinderella, its just a very ordinary person, who’s also struggling And unless one is able to see them, to like them, as well as feel desire for them, and also to like them with loving kindness and compassion, then it is a very difficult relationship.