Fixing Argument
Is there anybody who share the same conviction that it’s pointless to argue with people who are not thinking straight like me? What we normally do when we are cornered by someone who’s looking for a fight is either a). ignore the alarm for war and retrieve from the battlefield by keeping our distance (as far as we can) or b). play the silent card and pretend that we’re just dead bodies left on the ground (as long as we can). Call us cowards who go AWOL if you like. Not gonna deny that. And some people might react differently, unlike us, they’ll probably shine their armors and sharpen their swords and fire back (as hard as they can) to claim victory, they’re the warriors. But let’s take a step back and ask ourselves, does the coward mindset or the warrior mindset help us get a better result out of a fight? Not really. For the cowards, the war is always subsiding and waiting for another moment to break out again, with more fierce gunfire. For the fighters, they either end up as badly injured or dead losers or as dead winners. Neither mode saves us. So it’s high time that we start to change our tactics.
Don’t start blaming people for being too emotional, instead, try to understand their wrath. No one wishes to feel fuming in the first place, unless being or feeling like being treated unjustifiably. It’s always gonna be a subjective judgment, so don’t get distracted and wind up complaining about their being oversensitive or subjective, either. Remember, this’s a very delicate moment and anything could go south at any point. Stay away from sentences like:
“What’s YOUR problem?” / “What’s wrong with YOU?” (NOT ME!)
“Why are you acting like that ALL THE TIME?” (YOUR WHOLE LIFE)
“Why is it SO EASY for YOU to get angry?” (NOT ANYONE ELSE)
“Why are YOU YELLING at me?” (NOT MY FAULT!)
“Are YOU CRAZY?!” / “Are you OUT of YOUR MIND?!” (HOPELESS 1.0)
“You’re so naïve / immature.” / “Be SENSIBLE / RATIONAL!” / “Can you at least try to talk like an ADULT?” (HOPELESS 2.0)
“Mind your ATTITUDE.” / “I don’t like that ATTITUDE.” / “What’s that ATTITUDE?” (RESPECT)
Not helping at all. Demonizing them can sometimes turn them into real demons. Don’t say that. Don’t raise our voice. And don’t risk our lives.
People are literally experiencing one of their worst breakdowns and vulnerability when they’re caught in a fit of wrath and the ensuring agony without knowing what’s wrong with themselves and how to fix themselves. They tend to lash out their anger simply because they know no other way around. And we can’t really blame them for that coz the sneaky lil bitch, emotion outsmarts our brain sometimes; well, actually, a lot of times. Once it takes over our brain, the rational thinking that’s supposed to be inside our brain vanishes in a puff and gone with the wind.
So the imperative here is to IDENTIFY NEEDS OF BOTH PARTIES ON A NEUTRAL STAND and relieve both sides from the weighty ignorance and unawareness.
i. What do we want? — Peace.
ii. What do they want? — Help.
iii. What do we want from them? — Rational thinking.
iv. What do they want from us? — Understanding.
v. How do we feel? — Mistreated & disrespected.
vi. How do they feel? — Mistreated & misunderstood.
Well, apparently not wanting the same thing, hence the endless conflicts, but both being mistreated on a personal level; after all, we do have something in common to build our constructive ideas on.
vii. How do we change the way we feel?
viii. How do we change the way they feel?
We have to set aside our needs and emotions and make room for rational thinking and then deal with it like a neutral third party if we’re looking for effective solutions. (Why us? Coz their intelligence’s impaired base on our previous diagnosis, remember?!) Try to see things from their perspectives. Ask them what happened to learn more about their responses (“What happened?” / “What’s been bothering you?”). Help them to express and analyze their emotions properly (“How does that feel?” / “Do you feel upset because of that?” / “Why is that the case?”). Really connect and sympathize with them to feel their vulnerability (“I know exactly what that felt like.” / “I know what you’re going through.” / “Sorry, I don’t know what you’re going through right now, but talk to me, I promise I’ll try to understand.” / “I might have felt the same way you did.”).
The point is say it in the way that gets to them easily. And don’t bullshit or reason with them. It takes practice and patience (otherwise everyone is qualified to charge people hundreds of dollars per hour for consulting), but the results are rewarding. 80% of their ire will be gone if we make it to this point coz WHAT THEY WANT—BEING UNDERSTOOD has already been granted and they’ll probably be more emotionally stable and willing to think and talk rationally—WHAT WE WANT FROM THEM. Since we have changed the way they feel about the experience and their own emotions and the way we communicate, now it’s time to move on to the final stage of figuring out the solutions together. Helping them to achieve their ultimate goal satisfies ours, too. It’s a double win.
Good luck, guys: )
Fixing Argument
