第四百零九封信（I miss you)

亲爱的朋友，

  祝好！现在是凌晨一点四十，我暴饮暴食，决定给你写信。昨日也十二点就醒，到五点钟才将将睡下，睡了两个小时后又醒来，对刚刚做的梦难以忘怀。梦里的剧情真实地令人难过，我梦见所有人都分到一个手铐，需要找一个人拷在一起。我拿着手铐惊慌失措，我知道我想要找到那个人，但我不知道他在哪，世界这么大，人如此之多，我如何能够找到他？但是最后我找到了他，我狂奔过去抱住他，跟他说我以为我再也找不到你了。于是我们拷在了一起，去约会，在一起做了很多开心的事，也有很多令人伤心的事，例如他不够勇敢，例如我又做错了许多事，最后我们还是分开了。

  其实梦的具体情节已经忘得差不多了，只有最初在人潮中寻找到他的时刻，至今无法忘怀。我是那么开心，就好像米津玄师在Lemon里唱到，时至今日你仍是我的光芒。我曾经一个人走过如此漫长的黑暗，这光芒虽然短暂，却照亮了我的路，因此当它消逝的时候，才会这么痛苦，才会如此心碎。虽然我们没有在一起，虽然相处的时间不过一个月之长，是一年的十二分之一，是我二十二岁生命的二百六十四分之一，我想我依然无法忘记，哪怕它所占的比重在未来的岁月里，愈来愈小。

  室友曾说，谈过一次恋爱，受过一次伤之后，听懂了很多情歌。因为刚刚写信时突然想到这句歌词，所以又重新听了一次Lemon，觉得每句话仿佛都是在写我：如果这一切都是梦境该有多好，至今仍能与你在梦中相遇，如同取回遗忘之物一般，细细拂去将回忆覆盖的尘埃。最终是你让我懂得了，这世间亦有无法挽回的幸福......

  第一次听到这首歌还是去年暑假，当时看《非自然死亡》，也曾为止痛哭。一同去DC时，制片人的手机随机播放到了这首歌；senior screening结束后，剧组一同去KTV时，我也点了这首歌，并唱了一小段，而他就站在电视旁，惊讶于自己也会唱部分的歌词，跟着我一起小声地唱。每一次的心情都如此不同，令我为之惊讶，唱到最后一句，时至今日你仍然是我的光芒，彼时的我，究竟在想什么呢？我想，或者我希望，我一定是看着他，满怀爱意地唱出这句话的。我们不得不错过，但是幸好，我也曾意外表达过自己的心意，希望他收到了这一份心意。

  睡前写了一首诗，刚刚继续修改了一下，贴在下面，诗名为I MISS YOU:

I once dreamt that we met somewhere, sometime

I was walking among people, countless, faceless

Lost and scared, looking for you

And I passed you without knowing

Until you called me, then I see you

I was crying so hard, and rushing to hug

And my tears dropped like they never belonged 

'I thought I could never meet you anymore.'

My heart whispered for me for I could not say it out loud

When will we meet each other again?

Deep in my heart, I know we probably won't

The world is to big for two individuals once departed

Promise is for one particular future and I stand alone in the forking path without you

I know, we will never meet each other again

A farewell is still a goodbye though it sounds promising

You said if you ever in China and Japan, you will hit me up. And we will just meet up, have a meal and pick up where we left off

I am afraid that you won't come back to China or ever visit Japan

I am afraid that you won't contact me even if you do come

I am afraid that we won't be able to pick up where we left because we already missed each other

Now I understand how I miss you but I just missed you

The timing is passed and we shall not retrieve

I am going back to the start, Coldplay ended The Scientist

I wish I could build a time travel machine

But I know it so well that I couldn't

  祝一切都好！

  六月四日 二零一九年