When I See You Again /5
Those who claim their love to the ocean are mostly those who have never see the ocean. Those who see the ocean but still love it are mostly those who fare the ocean. I could find no one in my life similar to Rachel. She was new. She was foreign. She was unknown. My fear of knowing her too well to lose her made me fearlessly love her. Now soaked in the pitch dark ocean at 2am in the morning, naked, I started to get a better understanding of the ocean, woman and love.
The sea water was so freezing that all my bones trembled as if they were about to crack. I could vaguely see her but I knew her face turned paper-white and she was scared as she squeezed my hands so hard that I could not tell which made me more painful - she or the cold water. With my legs paddling slowly to gain some balance, I managed to hold her closer and tighter. Our forehead pressed together, I could breathe her warmness.Her wavering lips was seeking mine. We kissed with all sorts of bitterness and coldness of the water.
'Wanna go back, Rachel?' I whispered.
'No. Do you?' She kissed my ear.
'I wanna die with you right now.' I meant it.
Suddenly she started to cry. Tears glistened in her eyes. I was not sure if I knew the reason, but I didn't ask, just kissing her gently sharing my warmth with her.
When we start to think about the death very seriously, subconsciously and spontaneously we tend to realise what the most important things are in our lives. That was the moment, I found out mind.
When we sneaked back to the hotel room, we were all wet and frozen like a couple of drowned rats. Sank the whole glass of wine, we quickly jump into the hot steamy shower. And it was all heaven again.
'Do I look ugly?' She looked up at me.
'Yes.' I answered with a fond smile.
'I feel like I could show you every aspect of me, ugly or beautiful.' She was telling the same feeling that I felt.
'Is it because you love me or you are gonna leave for good in a month?' I was asking the same question to myself.
She lapsed into silence and I instantly felt sad to made this moment so realistically depressed. Maybe it's pointless for us to talk about anything serious. There could be nothing serious. We had no future. This whole thing was just two lonely souls using each other. But the irony now was we seemed to made it too seriously real. I truly loved a girl whom I would have no real future with. The more I thought this way the more painful I felt. It was not the pain of losing her in a month, but the pain of realising that I wanted more than a month, the pain of my ugly filthy lust of loving her. I felt ashamed but I could not help.
Norah Jones's new song was playing casually in the corner of the hotel room:
You and me and,
Me and you,
In my little room,
There's room enough for us to do,
The things we like to do.
Oops, I hit my elbow on the doorknob,
Its right there,
It's by the bed next to my head,
But I don't even care.
There's stars up on the wall,
And they all glow in the dark,
And we can hear the children playing,
Outside in the park.
There's bars on the window,
And if there were a fire,
We'd burn up for sure,
But that's just fine by me 'cause,
We would be together ever more.
In this little room,
In the big city we're so far,
From the people that we knew in,
My big ol' blue car.
But if we stick together,
Then I know we'll be ok,
'cause when it gets too cold outside,
This room is where we'll stay.
We didn't speak anything that night. Just slowly kissed and gently fucked. She kept tearing but I never asked why.
