当伴侣感觉像室友时该怎么办：相互退缩的模式以及夫妻如何打破这种模
关键点
当伴侣感觉像室友时，这表明双方在情感上存在相互疏离。
伴侣们不再互相依靠，而是各守己见，变得高度独立。
为了打破这种模式，伴侣需要学会承担情感风险：分享他们的感受和需求。
退缩行为根源于童年时期，但我们可以在成年后学会转向他人
你和你的伴侣几乎从不吵架，但你们的关系中缺少了一些东西——一种爱的感觉、激情、情感上的亲密感和亲近感。失去一份感觉遥不可及的深爱的痛苦令人心碎。而且由于没有争吵，没有明确的关系问题历史可以指出，你只能想知道，“我们是怎么走到这一步的？”
那么，我们是怎么走到这一步的？
这个问题是有答案的。这里发生的是一种相互撤退的模式。
双方不再进行艰难的对话，而是学会了压抑自己的需求，或者变得“自给自足”，而不是向对方寻求联系、关心和安慰。随着时间的推移，这导致了一种模式，即双方都不依靠对方来满足自己的依恋需求，导致双方在关系中的需求都得不到满足。
关系中亲密需求得不到满足的越多，双方就越会学会通过逃避来应对。他们的想法是：“当我得不到我需要的东西时，我会照顾好自己。”然而，这在关系中创造了一种疏远的文化；突然之间，转向对方、依靠对方和表达爱意变得尴尬。
在一段关系中，陷入退缩/退缩模式会让双方都感到孤独。如果不刻意改变，这些夫妻会随着时间的推移变得越来越疏远，因为伴侣越感到孤独，他们就越会退缩到自己的内心，远离这段关系。这是一种无声的情感距离滚雪球，双方都退缩到自己家的角落，让彼此渴望的爱和欢笑荡然无存。
我们如何才能再次感受到恋人般的感觉？
那些脱离关系的伴侣内心往往害怕不被爱、不被接受、不被回应。学会退缩的人可能在成长过程中，因为自己的感受和需要而受到羞辱或惩罚（无论是隐蔽的还是微妙的）。当面临压力时（想想“战斗或逃跑”反应），逃跑似乎是最好的选择。
其结果是，成年后，孩子会变得极度独立，不善于分享感受，也不善于要求别人满足他们的需求。由于童年时期的感受被否定，他们的联系请求得不到满足，他们可能会想：“分享我的感受或我想要更多的亲密关系有什么意义？如果我这样做，只会适得其反。”
因为你们的关系中正在发生的事情是你们双方都在疏远对方，把自己封闭起来，所以这种模式的解药就是转向对方。你需要开始依靠你的伴侣来获得联系、关心和安慰，而不是做让你感觉舒服的事情（试图自己做所有事情并满足自己的需求）。事实是，你无法满足自己对社会支持和爱的需求；这些是人类的自然需求，只有别人才能满足。
如果你想打破这种模式，与伴侣更加亲近，你就需要停止回避艰难的对话。你需要开始敞开心扉，说出你的感受和需求。
当你意识到自己正在疏远这段关系时，养成习惯，开始反省内心深处是什么感觉导致你疏远对方。如果你允许自己充分感受它，你可能会注意到自己害怕自己不够好或在某些方面不够好，或者害怕自己不值得表达自己的关系需求并让别人满足这些需求。
当你意识到这些感觉时，你会发现它们就像汽车上的“检查引擎灯”，告诉你需要伴侣提供一些重要的东西。不要试图自己修理汽车，而是寻求他们的帮助。
你的感受告诉你，你需要感受到被接纳、被爱和被重视。向你的伴侣诉说。
这句话听起来可能是这样的：“我注意到我最近总是陷入困境。我想打破我们的模式，分享我的感受。我意识到我最近一直感到不自在，因为我看到你也陷入困境。我想你，我觉得今晚我需要和你在一起。我们可以一起度过这个夜晚吗？”
如果你和你的伴侣发现自己陷入了相互退缩的模式，要知道你们俩还有很大的希望。你们可能都是温柔善良的人，重视和谐——事实上，这可能是你们走到这一步的全部原因。这是一种优势，只是需要与冒险精神和“提高”关系中情感分享和相互依赖的“音量”相平衡。
你们两个可以开始学会互相依靠。向你的伴侣表明，依靠你获得情感支持和关怀是安全的，并要求你的伴侣也这样做。
What to Do When a Partner Feels Like a Roommate
The pattern of mutual withdrawal and how couples can break it.
KEY POINTS
When partners feel like roommates, it's a sign of a pattern of mutual emotional withdrawal.
Instead of leaning on each other, partners have been going to their separate corners, being hyper-independent.
To break this pattern, partners need to learn to take emotional risks: sharing their feelings and needs.
Withdrawing behavior is rooted in childhood, but we can learn to turn towards others in adulthood.
You and your partner hardly ever fight, but something is missing in your relationship—a sense of being lovers, of passion, of emotional intimacy, of closeness. The pain of missing out on a deep love that feels just out of reach is heartbreaking. And since there are no arguments, no clear history of relationship problems to point to, you’re left wondering, “How did we get here?”
So, How Did We Get Here?
There is an answer to that question. What’s happened here is a pattern of mutual withdrawal.
Instead of having the tough conversations, both partners have learned to shut down their own needs or become “self-sufficient” instead of turning to each other for contact, care, and comfort. Over time, this has led to a pattern in which neither partner leans on the other for their attachment needs to be met, leaving both partners with unmet needs in the relationship.
And the more that needs for closeness go unmet in the relationship, the more each partner learns to cope by turning away. The thinking is, “When I don’t get what I need, I take care of myself.” However, this creates a culture of distance in the relationship; all of a sudden, turning towards each other, leaning on each other, and expressing affection become awkward.
Being stuck in a withdraw/withdraw pattern in a relationship leaves both partners feeling lonely. Without intentional change, these couples tend to become more distant over time, because the more alone that partners feel, the more they will withdraw into themselves and away from the relationship. It’s a silent snowballing of emotional distance in which each partner retreats to their own corner of the house, leaving it empty of the love and laughter that each longs for.
How Do We Get to Feeling Like Lovers Again?
Inside partners who are disengaging from the relationship is oftentimes a fear of not being loved, accepted, and responded to. People who learn to withdraw may have grown up in homes in which they were shamed or punished (however covertly or subtly) for their feelings and for having needs of their own. When under stress (think “fight or flight” response), flight seemed like the best option.
The result is an adult who has become hyper-independent rather than adept at sharing feelings and asking others for their needs to be met. Due to early childhood experiences of their feelings being invalidated and their bids for connection being unmet, they may think something like, “What’s the point in sharing how I feel or that I want more closeness? It will only backfire if I do.”
Because what’s happening in your relationship is that both of you are turning away, withdrawing into yourselves, the antidote to this pattern is to turn toward each other. You need to start relying on your partner for contact, care, and comfort rather than doing what feels comfortable to you (trying to do it all yourself and meet your own needs). The truth is, you can’t meet your own needs for social support and love; these are natural human needs that can only be met by others.
If you want to break this pattern and feel closer to your partner, you need to stop avoiding tough conversations. You need to start opening up about your feelings and needs.
When you recognize that you are pulling away from the relationship, develop a habit of starting to look inward at what feelings underneath are causing you to pull away. If you allow yourself to fully feel it, you may notice a fear of not being good enough or being inadequate in some way, or a fear that you are not worthy of voicing your relationship needs and having them be met by someone else.
When you recognize these feelings, notice that they are like a “check engine light” on a car, telling you that you need something important from your partner. Don’t try to fix the car yourself, but instead ask for their help.
Your feelings tell you that you need to feel accepted for who you are, loved, and like you matter. Turn to your partner and tell them.
This could sound something like, “I’ve noticed that I have been going into my corner lately. I want to break our pattern and share how I’ve been feeling. What I’m recognizing is that I’ve been feeling inadequate lately because I’ve been seeing you going into your corner too. I miss you, and what I think I need is some time with you tonight. Could we spend the evening together?”
If you and your partner are finding yourselves caught in a pattern of mutual withdrawal, know that there is so much hope for you two. You are likely both gentle, kind souls who value harmony—in fact, that may be the entire reason you have found yourselves here. This is a strength, just one that needs to be balanced with risk-taking and “turning the volume up” on emotional sharing and mutual reliance in the relationship.
You two can start to learn to turn toward each other. Show your partner that it is safe to lean on you for emotional support and care, and ask that your partner do the same.
