Ermei : I am a monster

Most people only care about house ,money,marriage,baby,and status.

They don't care about free, happiness, dream, dignity, and truth.

But I care those very much，they are my highest pursuits.

When I talk about those to some people, they laugh at me , treat me like a monster. Although I never hurt anyone.

In order to be free, I left my hometown and wandered outside alone, relying only on myself.

My relatives and friends may not understand my choice.

They think that as a girl, she should find a stable job, marry a man early, have two children, and live her life like this. But I don't like it.

I don't want to work, I don't want to be a corporate slave, I think people should be free to do what they like.

I don't want to get married because marriage is modern slavery.

I don't want to have children, because when a woman enters a marriage, she can't even decide what the child's surname is. They give themselves and are not recognized. Most women think of marriage as a destination, but in my opinion it's bondage.

I don't want to be a good girl, I don't like to dress up, I don't like to be sexualized, I refuse to accept patriarchal rules.

I cut my hair very short. When I was shopping in the supermarket, someone called me “handsome guy”. When I was picking up the package, someone called me “liang zai”.

When I go to the women‘s washroom, the women look at me and think of me as a man, a monster.

My friends advised me to grow my hair long, wear skirts, and wear makeup. Be a docile woman. I refused.

Why is short hair considered a male privilege?

Why don't men wear makeup, but women do?

Why do women have to marry men?

Why do women have to have children?

Why do children born to women have to have a man's surname?

Why do women have to be docile and well-behaved?

Why are women only ranked behind men?

Why? Why? Why?

There is a line in a Chinese TV series: Why has the dragon been on top and the phoenix on the bottom for thousands of years? I prefer the phoenix on top and the dragon on the bottom.

I love so much.

Wu Zetian, the only female emperor in China, can take a new name for herself and change the name of the country.

But modern women can't even control their children's surnames. It's really sad. But they think it is happiness.

Some women even think that it is happiness to be buried in the ancestral grave of a man's house after death. Hehe, it's really funny.

I am not convinced, I want to break the old rules. I want to fight against thousands of years of patriarchy, to be a strong woman, to be a lonely warrior.

I will bravely face strange eyes. A prophet is always alone.

I live in a prison world. Only local area network can be used here. People regard the government's news broadcast as the most authoritative information. They have no doubt whether it is true or false.

When I tried many waysand saw a lot of information that I had never seen on the global Internet, I was shocked and painful, and I didn't know how to escape. I was suffering from anxiety because of being lost and helpless.

I often suffer from insomnia, like Neo awakened in the movie《The Matrix》. I take the anti-anxiety drug Agomelatine and I rely on Estazolam to fall asleep. I live alone in the world, and sometimes I cry silently, like a headless fly hitting the wall everywhere.

Chinese is my mother tongue and the language I use most proficiently. As a Chinese writer, I have published books in Chinese.

But it has too many restrictions, and red lines are everywhere. When I write my real thoughts in Chinese, the articles are often deleted.

I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm confused, I'm forced to express myself in English. It's unfortunate, but maybe a new beginning.

So，this is me.

My pen name is Ermei.

I am a woman .

I am a writer.

I am a fighter.

I am a monster.

Do you hear me?

Are you scared of me?