2021-03-31 Learn to tolerate pai
Most people try to avoid painful emotions by running away from them with distraction or “fixing” them with coping strategies and problem-solving.
But here’s the thing…
No matter how painful your emotions feel, they’re not dangers to be avoided or problems to be fixed.
Think about it:
- No matter how sad you feel, sadness itself isn’t dangerous.
- No matter how frustrated you are, the feeling of frustration itself isn’t going to do any harm.
- No matter how ashamed you feel, shame itself isn’t going to hurt you.
Of course, it’s natural to want to get rid of things that hurt — including painful feelings. But here’s the problem:
When you get in the habit of running away from painful emotions or trying to fix them, you train your brain to fear them.
So the next time some painful emotion like guilt, for example, pops up, now you’re going to feel both guilty and afraid. And when you combine painful feelings you don’t just feel a little worse — you feel A LOT worse.
If you want to become more emotionally resilient — able to experience painful feelings and get on with your life and goals anyway, you must cultivate emotional tolerance.
Simply put, emotional tolerance means you practice feeling a painful emotion without doing anything about it.
- The next time you feel anxious, instead of immediately calling your spouse to get reassurance, set a timer on your phone for 60 seconds and just sit with the anxiety — acknowledging that it’s painful but also not dangerous.
- The next time you feel angry, instead of immediately acting out impulsively on your anger or judging yourself for it, simply notice your anger and feel it.
- The next time you feel sad or disappointed, rather than immediately hopping on your phone to distract yourself, try sitting with the sadness and noticing what it’s like.
At the end of the day, here’s the most important idea to remember:
Emotional resilience comes down to acting on your values, rather than your feelings, even when those feelings are painful.
