Autonomy-1

Most of us live in a state of codependence, be it with our partners, friends or social group,” according to Isha Judd, author of the books Love Has Wings and Why Walk When You Can Fly . We let others shape our beliefs and decisions — so much so that we lose sight of who we are, she said.

Darlene Lancer, MFT, a psychotherapist and author of Codependency for Dummies, also noted that many people don’t become fully autonomous, instead “forming our feelings and behaviors around something external.”

Autonomy means being the author of your life, she said. You compose the rules you live by. It means “owning your own reality, perceptions, thoughts, feelings, opinions [and] memories.”

Autonomy means having “the confidence to be ourselves, and the self-awareness to know who we are and what we want,” Judd said.1

She believes that true independence derives from self-love. “[W]hen I do not accept myself, I do not trust myself or my decisions, and so I let other people define who I am and how I behave.”

Below, Judd and Lancer shared their suggestions on how we can become more autonomous, step-by-step.