Kicking the Elephant Out of the Room

有个著名的心理学实验，叫“别去想那头粉红色的大象”，测试者被要求不能去想象屋子里有一头粉红色的大象——实验发现,这是很难做到的,一旦脑子里有了这个信号,就很难不想。

这就是我们大脑的活动规律，越强迫自己不去想东西，越会被引诱去想。

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IN COLLEGE, MOST people have a roommate or two.

Some have three or four.

Dave had ten.

After graduation, the roommates scattered across the country, seeing one another only on special occasions.

In the spring of 2014, we all got together for their twenty-fifth college reunion.

The families had so much fun that we decided to spend the Fourth of July together the next year.

Dave passed away two months before the trip.

I thought about skipping it.

The prospect of spending the weekend with Dave’s roommates without Dave seemed overwhelmingly hard.

But I was grasping to hang on to the life we had together, and canceling felt like giving up another piece of him.

So I went, hoping that it would be comforting to be with his close friends, who were also grieving.

Most of the trip was a blur, but on the last day, I sat down for breakfast with several of the roommates, including Jeff King, who had been diagnosed years earlier with multiple sclerosis.

Dave and I had discussed Jeff’s illness many times with each other, but that morning I realized that I had never actually spoken with Jeff about it.

Hello, Elephant.

“Jeff,”I said,“how are you? I mean, really, how are you? How are you

feeling? Are you scared?”

Jeff looked up in surprise and paused for a long few moments.

With tears in his eyes, he said,“Thank you. Thank you for asking.”

And then he talked.

he talked about his diagnosis and how he hated that he had to stop practicing medicine.

How his continued deterioration was hard on his children.

How he was worried about his future.

How relieved he felt being able to talk about it with me and the others at the table that morning.

When breakfast was over, hehugged me tight.

Jeff，Dave的一个室友，因为作者问了一句how are you?，而对她非常感激，因为至少他觉得她在关心他，在意他的情况。

因为整个聚会没有人问过他，没有人关心他的病情。所有人都在试着去忽视房间里的大象，觉得不去讲，不去问就是对他最好的关怀。

面对生活中的不幸，人们总是会选择去隐藏它。不去想它，不去理它，但是它并不是这样就凭空消失了。

面对这种情况，身边的人会非常尴尬，他们想去关心你，却又害怕伤害了你。

所以，身边的朋友这个时候会选择不去提起，害怕在你身边说错话、做错事。

所以他们选择了沉默，选择了不闻不问的一种状态，这种状态是最不易犯错的一种方式，

但是这种方式也是最伤人的，因为这样会让陷入痛苦的人更痛苦，因为他无法找到一个人去诉说。

因为害怕会让他们伤心，曾经亲密的朋友，要么就是沉默相对，要么就是远离。

其实并不是他们不再关心了，也不是他们不想关心，只是他们不知道怎么去做，所以干脆就不去做。

In the early weeks after Dave died,

I was shocked when I’d see friends who did not ask how I was doing.

The first time it happened, I thought I was dealing with a non-question-asking friend.

I couldn’t understand when friends didn’t ask me how I was.

I felt invisible, as if I were standing in front of them but they couldn’t see me.

When someone shows up with a cast, we immediately inquire,“What happened?”

If your ankle gets shattered, people ask to hear the story.

If your life gets shattered, they don’t.

每个人都不去想这个大象的存在，但是大象却又真实地存在。

陷入悲痛的人，不会去主动提起，周围的朋友更不会主动提起这种事情。

因爱生怕，因怕而不知所措。

所以他们都在尽力去里面这种情况，避免痛苦的谈论，这样同时也避免了与陷入绝望里的人的交往，会让其在困境当中更加的孤独，使陷入悲伤的人更痛苦，甚至比悲伤本身还痛。

People who have endured the worst suffering often want to talk about it.

但是呢，实际上，在生活中遭受损失的人更愿意去谈论她所经历的痛苦和不幸。

一方面她不想揭开伤口，另一方面她又希望有人来揭开伤口。

她不愿揭开伤口，是不想再回忆一次痛苦。

又希望有人揭开她的伤口，是因为她无法忍受一个人承担痛苦，一个人孤独地面对一切，她希望有人来关心她的痛苦。

就算是不能分担，但至少让她有人理解她，有人会陪她。理解和陪伴就足以让人更好地面对这种不幸。

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作为朋友，You can’t wish the elephant away, but you can say,“I see it. I see you’re suffering. And I care about you.”这就足够了